Got caught masturbating by my parents, being sent to jesus camp

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39 Comments

Hi. Last week I got caught jerkin' my gerkin' by my Dad. He's now forcing me to go to Jesus camp, even though this is the only time I've ever had a white-knuckle ride on the skin-shaker in the entire 28 years of my life. It was bad luck, I didn't think they'd come over to see me on a Sunday (because of church). I got my days mixed up, it was Tuesday :/ Also missed work and got a final written warning, but that's neither here nor there. Anyway, Mum and Dad are threatening to tell my same-race wife, and as we are all very religious, she'll want a divorce if she finds out D: so I said I'll go to Jesus camp. It was only a one off, and I didn't even get to splurge in a kleenex :( is it normal to let one's parents blackmail you, especially when I'm nearly thirty?

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Based on 9 votes (0 yes)
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Comments ( 39 )
  • lordofopinions
    5 years ago

    Grow a pair and tell you parents to mind their own business. I bet you dad and your mom too masturbated. They are two faced.

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  • green_boogers
    8 years ago

    As a dedicated Onanist, I can tell you that that lesbian wife of yours is an anchor around your soul. Move into your own bedroom, keep a box of Kleenex by the porn collection under your bed, and shoot your wad everyday.

    Fuck Jesus anyway. He is a symbol of repression by self-righteous parents everywhere.

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  • KingTermite
    8 years ago

    Aw, you deleted my comment. So I was right, sad attempt at trolling. Should I report it as Fake again? Or will you leave this comment up?

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    • [Old Memory]
      8 years ago

      You work in entertainment and get mad at your customers. But you can't take your anger out on them so you vent your frustration by being a rude bully to random strangers online.

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      • Anonymous Post Author
        8 years ago

        Thank you, he doesn't seem very nice D:

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        • KingTermite
          8 years ago

          Oh no, I'm not very nice. So sad to learn this. And you, jackass, are agreeing with a user that is probably not even a real person, "he's" a bot or a huge loser that is only here to follow me around with his nose buried in my ass. If you want to be on that guy's team, go for it, but it just makes appear a bigger loser than you already look like.

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          • [Old Memory]
            8 years ago

            You work in entertainment and get mad at your customers. But you can't take your anger out on them so you vent your frustration by being a rude bully to random strangers online.

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            • Anonymous Post Author
              8 years ago

              Yeah, KingTermite works as an entertainer of men, and is a big meany. I'm merely a hard-working, honest follower of our lord and saviour. lol

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          • Anonymous Post Author
            8 years ago

            I live in a religious community who barely embraces technology more than the amish, and your suggestion that I could be a bot has caused me to think *you're* the backwards one D: begone, troll :/

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      8 years ago

      You're the one trolling, so I hid it. If the biggest problem in your life is having your comments hidden because people want advice, not to be trolled... I envy you! I guess it doesn't take much for me to help you so it can stay :)

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      • KingTermite
        8 years ago

        Well, it looks like a troll post because most 28 year olds aren't still bossed around by their parents. And at 28 if you haven't figured out how not to get caught spanking the monkey then you're likely retarded. Now I don't mean that in a pejorative way (look it up or ask for help if you don't understand big word), I mean actually, clinically, retarded.

        And you should envy me, not just because I can sniff out trolls or retards, like yourself, but because I have a very enviable life. So suck it, OP, you anonymous coward.

        And if you didn't want opinions you shouldn't have posted your question. You did realize you might get a negative response, right? (Rhetorical, don't trouble yourself to answer)

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        • [Old Memory]
          8 years ago

          You work in entertainment and get mad at your customers. But you can't take your anger out on them so you vent your frustration by being a rude bully to random strangers online.

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        • Anonymous Post Author
          8 years ago

          How is your life enviable? All I can work out is you're a heathen, you jerk off your sin-stick, and you probably don't have a SROGS (Same Race Opposite Gender Spouse).

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          • KingTermite
            8 years ago

            It's enviable because if I told you how good I have it you wouldn't believe me.

            Heathen? Well, my degree in Theology has led me to certain beliefs that aren't going to get me into a heaven that doesn't exist.

            I haven't jerked off since my teens.

            I do not have a spouse, I have a live in girlfriend... and her girlfriend. See, I told you that you wouldn't believe me.

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            • [Old Memory]
              8 years ago

              You work in entertainment and get mad at your customers. But you can't take your anger out on them so you vent your frustration by being a rude bully to random strangers online.

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            • Anonymous Post Author
              8 years ago

              Yeah, I sure wish I lived in sin/ was a liar (delete as applicable). My pastor's going to be so mad at you

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        • Anonymous Post Author
          8 years ago

          We live in a very close-knit community- I won't call it a compound (because it' not), but it's a very desolate rural area. The families here are all very close. My parents always let themselves into our home, and it's never been a problem, until now.

          Fair enough if it doesn't conform to the way you live D: but I thought I could gain some perspective in spite of the different views you get on here, and perhaps even gain some outside perspective. Even I know being blackmailed by my dad isn't really on. I dunno D:

          Furthermore, you didn't give an opinion on my problemo, just me. Wake up and smell the faith-facts.

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          • KingTermite
            8 years ago

            Most bedrooms have locks on the doors, if not you should be able to obtain one.

            And, yes, I did give you an opinion on your "problem" I think you're trolling and not very good at it.

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            • [Old Memory]
              8 years ago

              You work in entertainment and get mad at your customers. But you can't take your anger out on them so you vent your frustration by being a rude bully to random strangers online.

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            • Anonymous Post Author
              8 years ago

              "Get a lock". You've managed one piece of advice, at last. I have a lock on my house, obviously. Parents have key. Next.

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  • sexysonofsam
    8 years ago

    I think that you are a sick little puppy that is in bad need of a hiding!

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      8 years ago

      I know it not normal to masturbate, duhhh. Wasn't the question but fair enough, I feel you are probably right.

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      • KingTermite
        8 years ago

        It's absolutely normal to masturbate you jackass, again, this is why you look retarded or trolling.

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        • [Old Memory]
          8 years ago

          You work in entertainment and get mad at your customers. But you can't take your anger out on them so you vent your frustration by being a rude bully to random strangers online.

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          • Anonymous Post Author
            8 years ago

            You could say he's retarted or a troll? Hmmm...

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            • KingTermite
              8 years ago

              I think it's more likely he's a bot. But you clearly have some distorted beliefs. You probably shouldn't even be on this site, it's probably a sin just to be here.

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        • Anonymous Post Author
          8 years ago

          Nuh-uh, we're only allowed to spill our sacred beads of life in a same-race opposite-gender partner.

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          • KingTermite
            8 years ago

            I think I'd go ahead and call it a compound. If the FBI shows up with tanks and shit, you should probably come out with your hands up, or they'll barbecue your ass.

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            • [Old Memory]
              8 years ago

              You work in entertainment and get mad at your customers. But you can't take your anger out on them so you vent your frustration by being a rude bully to random strangers online.

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            • Anonymous Post Author
              8 years ago

              A compound has walls and watchtowers, silly heathen. We don't have walls

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