Guy pressured me to have sex until i finally agreed. sexual assult?

I'd known this guy for a long time and had slept with him before, but I realized I didn't want to sleep with him anymore because I always felt used after every time. We were at a music festival and got absolutely mottled and eventually he walked me home. He came up and he wanted to fool around and I started crying because I didn't want him to see me like that anymore and I said no several times to sex, but he just kept pushing until I felt like I couldn't say no anymore and gave in and finally slept with him. I feel awful about it, and I'm wondering if 10 'no's and 1 'yes' is still a yes and if I even have a reason to feel so sick about this encounter.

No. You eventually said yes, so it's not assult. 113
Yes. If pressuring is involved to get consent, it's assult. 109
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Comments ( 80 )
  • derpyderp

    IMO it depends how much & in which way he pressured you & also how "mottled" you were.

    Toiletrolls, so if a girl said yes because she had a gun held to her head & feared for her life (EXTREME example I know) it wouldn't be rape/sexual assault?
    To me it's not always that clear...

    If you felt threatened by saying no, or were so drunk you weren't aware of what you were agreeing to, then to me that's a crime...
    Pretty sure that has been implemented in some places too due to date-rape drugs, guys loading girls up with drinks, etc.

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    • Unimportant

      May I ask something?

      What if both people are under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs, and therefore aren't aware of what they are doing? Is that mutual rape or consentual sex?

      It is difficult to put interpersonal interactions into structural rigidities of our language.

      @ OP: I guess it depends. Technically, he heard you say "Yes", without - I hope - having threatened to harm you. Doesn't change the fact that he behaved like an asshole, but maybe he thinks of it as "being persistent".

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    • charli.m

      This.

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      • derpyderp

        Thank you. Was starting to wonder if I was the only one thinking it..
        I mean if the girl is crying it's pretty fucking obvious!

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        • charli.m

          I think the legality of it may be blurry, but the morality of it certainly isn't. Being pressured to do something you don't want, and giving in, is a very different situation from agreeing to something willingly.

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          • derpyderp

            Yeah, I'm certain it's illegal in some countries &/or states but it's obviously a he said vs she said thing.

            How you could possibly enjoy yourself with a girl that clearly doesn't want it is beyond me...
            I'd make a terrible rapist!

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            • charli.m

              Haha, don't worry, I'm pretty sure that's a good thing :P

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  • green_boogers

    You are dumb to even talk to this guy, let alone go out with him.

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  • purpletrain

    I don't think many of the men here commenting and judging will ever truly understand what it's like to be a woman in the presence of a man who won't take no for an answer. Initially you don't want to come off rude or a prude but as he persists, whether he makes a threat or not you feel scared for your safety. Scared that your continued rejection may cause him to lash out either verbally or physically. Before anyone jumps in with "not all men", yes I know, but enough to flash through most women's minds when rejecting someone. The fact is some people don't take rejection very well and I can't tell you how many times a man has said "you're a bitch/ugly/stuck-up anyway" or an insult along those lines to me as a result. It may not sound like much but it is annoying and that's just the mild stuff. I'm just saying that rejecting his advances and moving on is not always as easy as many of you are suggesting. She was crying and he still persisted. He clearly wasn't going to give up easily and she was drunk and alone with him with no witnesses if he were to lash out so I can't blame her for relenting, even if that's not what I would have done. Whether you were raped or not, OP, I don't think I or anyone can answer that for you. The guy is definitely a sleazy piece of shit and you were clearly pressured but only you will know whether or not you felt violated during the act as well as after. I just wish some of these commenters would have some compassion.

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    • Lonely2

      When does that type od reasoning stop...I bought the car because did not want the salesman to go off on me....

      You gave in because the man might have acted aggresively....well once he acts that way then it is rape...but until then it is not ...you cant say I consemted bevause I thought he would harm me if I said no thats preposterous....you say no ....if he then starts to force himself at that point it b ecomes rape....

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      • purpletrain

        What kind of knee jerk logic is that? Some we shouldn't be scared if we haven't yet been raped, because the minute we are raped we can classify it as such so all is okay? Does that honestly make sense to you? It's called preemptive action. Violent rapes and other forms of assault are extremely traumatising and demeaning. Instead of allowing it to happen and then taking measures against the culprit many people go along with what they think will stop it happening or at least lessen the blow in the first place. I believe a better analogy would be 'I gave my car away because the thief had a weapon'. I'm not saying it was the best course of action to take but unless you've been in that situation, you can't truly understand.

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        • Lonely2

          Again...where does that logic stop....." your honor I was walking down the street and I saw evil intent in his eyes and so I killed him "....oh, ok case dismissed....you can not act until such time as someones tries to harm you...its the way it is...there is no preemtive strikes under the law...

          she has to say no and then leave , if he grabs or touches her then at that point it is assault and she can use force to protect herself...and at that point she can cooperate and still say it is rape...because his grabbing implied force... she cant say I said yes just to avoid violence ...begging is douchebaggery but it is not rape or force or duress

          I mean she is the stupidiest fuck alive...she knows he is like this but still decides to not only go out with him but get drunk withnhim and be alone with him...what a stupid fuck...I have no sympathy for thiss chick and whyndid she do it...because she is such a fucking lush that sje knows that by using him and leading him on that he will buy the drinks all fucking night...I would say she used him more than he used her...he probably spentbat least a couple of hundred on this outing

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          • captblood44

            somewhere's a person has to take responsibility for their actions. if you know he's like that, why go out with him? i don't get that.

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  • iEatZombies_

    I hate to bring this up, but most of the people telling you it's not assault are men. As for who says it is, it's mixed. How unfortunately stereotypical that most men find 'persuasion' just fine and not at all at least sexual harassment. This is truly a shame, as I hate getting involved with gender wars, but you need this example to see just who thinks what. Other funny thing- Many men that have been sexually assaulted -by other men- would agree that you were purely under duress and not willing. An example of assault is a verbal attack. An example of attack is to direct hostile words at. His words were hostile. You were sexually assaulted.

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    • iEatZombies_

      To respond to everyone in kind, I very clearly use the words sexual and assault. I don't consider this to be rape. Rape is barbaric and brutal. Sexual assault is on the same scale but not as far up. But thank you for exaggerating my words.

      Sog- Yes does mean yes. She repetitively said no, which clearly meant no, too. He heard her say no. She was quite vocal and expressive. She said yes through tears and mental anguish, she made that clear. He knew it was still a no but didn't care because now he can't get in trouble.

      Lonely2- You're acting childish and immature. That's only reponse you'll get from me.

      Parky_Parker- She didn't have to get specific. Common sense leads us to the coclusion that she was forced into it via pressure. Again, rape is different. As I said sexual assault, I stand by my original statement. Sexual assault and rape have two different definitions.

      Some people don't want to accept this is defined as sexual assault, but it just literally is defined as sexual assault. Specifically.

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    • Parky_Parker

      @iEatZombies_ I understand where you're coming from. Some people act like disgusting animals with no regard for others. I am a female and it makes me sick just reading the description. He's obviously a disrespectful tool with no morals. None of my male friends would ever do something like that to anyone.

      However, from the information we have, I don't consider this situation to be rape. She said "yes," and he took it as a "yes" and proceeded.

      Now, if her life felt threatened or if he was physically hurting her until she said yes, that would be a different story. She mentions that she was crying and that she felt like she couldn't keep saying no. But again, OP didn't specifically say that she felt threatened and forced to say "yes."

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    • Sog

      No one said what happened is okay. The guy is a complete dirtbag. But he did not commit rape.

      You have to see this from the guy's point of view too. Now does "yes" really mean "yes"? If she just says it but doesn't mean it can I accidentally rape her because I can't read her mind to know that her "yes" was only halfhearted?

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      • dom180

        The rule is extremely simple: a yes is not a yes when it is obtained under duress.

        In practice this is very easy. If he had to push her into saying yes, that is duress. If you are genuinely not able to tell when you are putting someone under duress you need to err on the side of caution.

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      • Negima93

        I'm not saying anything against OP, but I think it's unfair to people to accuse rape when it's impossible sometimes to know what they really want. If a girl says yes, but means no, how is the guy to know unless she says anything. Again, this is just hypothetical

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    • Lonely2

      The laws the law....lets see I gave in only to shut him up ....if thats considered rape that would make consent have no bearing before the fact..it would create a retro active consent...meaning even in the future you could look back and if you regretted it then you were raped....well guess what then I have been raped by every ugly smelly chicked I ever fucked....maybe we could have the 3 day law like contracts...if you regret it over the next 3 days its rape...what a fucking joke...you feminazis are fucking insane

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      • Kasper_212

        Quick question, what is wrong with you?

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  • DoctorAngelDust

    Social pressure is not a form of duress. If that were the case, every punk thug in every gang would be so much better off legally when they could claim that the reason they shot the guy was because they were under "duress".

    If you had the physical ability to leave (he was not blocking your exit in any way and you had the ability to pay for a ride back to your place or the ability to call 911 and explain that you're in a dangerous situation etc.) and he was not threatening you in any way, it is not rape.

    HOWEVER, since you were drunk and he (knowingly or not) used your lapse in judgment to his advantage, all things considered, yes, you may have been raped. If you are interested in pressing charges, contact a pro-bono attorney first so that you don't waste your money. I, personally, would just stay the hell away from that guy and tell him that you believe he sexually assaulted you and that you will consider going to the police if you guys can't settle it out of court (in other words, if he chooses not to leave you the hell alone).

    Sorry that's happened to you. Dealing with sexual crimes is never easy because there is no actual formula for determining what actually happened and how legal that was, sometimes.

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  • Sog

    You said yes and gave in, therefore it's not sexual assault. Period. End of story.

    If you wanted him to leave and he would not leave, you should have called the police or threatened to call them to get him out.

    You don't have any right go back in time and retroactively take away your consent because you later on regret the way you handled the situation.

    If he used the threat of violence to change your mind from no to yes, then that is different and would have been assault. But that's not what you described. You said that he just kept asking and you wanted to shut him up and get him to leave.

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    • Lonely2

      Exactly ! Some states now have this intoxication clause added, but she even remembers the whole scenario in detail...so she cant even claim intoxication.....

      You made a decision you regret it....welcome to the human race...we all do that shit and the only thing we learn is to try to make sure it doesnt happen again

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      • captblood44

        do you think the intoxication should go both ways? i have been out drinking and have seen timid mild guys get loud, rowdy and pick fights. i have seen prissy prudish girls get loud and bawdy. if the sexes are equal, why is it rape if the girl is intoxicated and consents? why is it rape if the guy is intoxicated and has sex with an intoxicated girl. shouldn't they both be responsible for what they do when they are intoxicated. it seems the girl is not held responsible for her actions, but a guy is held responsible for what he does when he is intoxicated. getting drunk is not a right. drink responsibly? LMAO what a joke

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        • Lonely2

          There is a built in paternalism in the law...which has basically screwed guys for centuries...males would get charged with offenses that if committed by females would be ignored...it is changing now ..but it is still there...why are so many more males than females incarcerated...its not testosterone...because estrogen is worse...it is a discrimination in the way the law treats males and females

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  • I hate when people beg for things.

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  • ilovetoiletrolls

    You said yes so it's consensual which means it's legal. He did obviously do something wrong but you did give in.

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    • charli.m

      There's a difference between consent and going along with something you don't want under duress.

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      • Sog

        It depends. Was she going along with it because she thought he was going to hurt her? Were those thoughts justified? If so then it was rape.

        Or was she going along with it because he was giving her a hard time and at the time she thought this would be the easiest way to resolve the situation? If so, that's just poor judgement in giving consent, not rape.

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        • ilovetoiletrolls

          Exactly and from what she's written, there's no evidence he actually forced her. She may have seemed obligated to have sex with him but that's not him threatening her or throwing her down. It was consensual.

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        • charli.m

          Like I said, legally blurry. Morally clear cut.

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      • ilovetoiletrolls

        Well, the way I interpreted it, she wasn't actually forced per-say so I'd say it's not illegal. Did he act respectfully? Absolutely not. But did he actually force her? Not from the sounds of it, no. If she adds more details and it seems more evident he actually 'forced' her, I'd have no problem in agreeing with you.

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        • charli.m

          Pushing past the point of making her cry sounds like more than disrespect. I don't know what the legal implications are, as I said, but i wouldn't call this consent at all.

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          • ilovetoiletrolls

            Don't get me wrong, what he did is highly unacceptable and is harassment but not sexual assault. Where did she say he made her cry? I didn't see that.

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            • charli.m

              "He came up and he wanted to fool around and I started crying because I didn't want him to see me like that anymore and I said no several times to sex, but he just kept pushing until I felt like I couldn't say no anymore and gave in and finally slept with him"

              I never said you said it wasn't wrong. But it could, in fact, be considered assault. Like zombies said, not rape exactly but certainly an assault.

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  • Theexpandable1

    Girls need to stop acting so innocent.. You decided to go to the music festival, hammered, walked home and eventually said Yes. If yyou didn't want anything you shouldn't have gone out. If you feel "used" just every time then don't date guys because guys will want sex eventually. Take a break.

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  • Note: I did not say I was raped. All rapes are sexual assault, but all sexual assaults are not rapes. To the guy who said that obviously I wasn't that drunk because I remember it in detail, welcome to the crazy world of alcohol affecting people differently (also, I'm an avid journal writer, I wrote about it the next day). I vomit before I can even reach blackout levels of drunkenness, and I was keeping up drink for drink with a 6'4" guy and I'm 5'7" and 140 pounds. This guy has a history of being aggressive, and obviously he has major height on me.

    This happened over 4 years ago, but it was brought up in conversation a couple nights ago and I wanted to see what the consensus was on this site. It actually kind of disturbs me seeing so many men explaining away what WAS a form of sexual assault and some even telling me I should have pushed him off me, or screamed, or punched him- but this guy was supposed to be a long time 'friend' and he was very drunk and staying over in my studio apartment an hour from his home. I was so concerned for his well being that I let him stay over, yet MY well-being and feelings didn't even cross his mind apparently since he wouldn't stop after a few hours of me saying no.

    What he did was wrong. Not as bad as some women encounter, but that doesn't make it any less wrong for what it was. A woman saying 'no' should be a final answer, not the beginning of a debate. Real consent doesn't involve pressuring (emotionally or physically).

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  • clevelandashkenaziatheist

    Lawyer here. No crime...lacks required mental state. On a personal level, conversation would be a good tool to express yourself to him. Avoidance would be ok, but its not always possible, this can lead down bad roads (future stalking/rape). If you feel intimidated, have this conversation with him in the presence of your friends/family.

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  • megadriver

    While the guy does sound like a douchebag, in the end you did agree. No matter how much a man wants to sleep with you, you can say no as many times as you want. If he starts sexually touching you, or anything like that (deemed wrong), then you can say "THAT was sexual assault" and seek help. But when you said yes(even if the case was to make him stop), you did say yes. So - your fault.

    If you didn't want sex, just tell him. I'd suggest cutting all ties with the guy and carrying on.

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  • Is it a douchey and pathetic thing to do? Yes. Is it sexual assault? No.

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  • Riddler

    No its not rape. You said he pressured you not forced you. Unless he forced you that means you had an option to say no. You don't have to have sex simply because someone pressured you. Forcing you is something totally different though. However this sounds like he possibly pushed you in but to accurately judge I would have to know the missing link between after the concert and the location which you had sex. If they in fact pushed you into it that might be rape/sexual harassment but if they simply nagged you into it that is just poor judgement.

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    • captblood44

      agreed. he ask, she says no. he ask, she says no, he ask, she says no. he ask, she says no. tit for tat.

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  • Couman

    Personally I would not call that sexual assault. HOWEVER, I think it's extremely disrespectful and generally horrible behavior. I advise never associating with this person again.

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  • Gspyder

    You were raped. You agreed under duress and were heavily under the influence of alcohol. I know you didn't see a way out at the time, but in the future get away from a situation like that ASAP. Go inside and lock your door, call a friend to come help, or both. Heck wether its rape or not the police would be glad to scare off a dirtbag like him by threatening to arrest him for harassment

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  • dom180

    Whether or not you should use the word "assault" is more about how you feel than whether certain actions fall under certain concrete categories. If you feel assaulted, it was assault.

    As far as the eyes of the law go, I don't know. I'm not a law expert and I'm not going to pretend to be, so I'm afraid I can't tell you. But don't let that deflect you from your conviction that what happened was assault.

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  • BlueJeansWhiteShirt

    It was sexual assault. Your 'yes' wasn't even a real yes. You only said yes because he pushed and pushed you to it. You knew you didn't want to have sex with him, at all. When you cried, it should have rang loud alarm bells in his head that he was being an absolute dick, but he still proceeded. Overall, this is a sticky situation. I'm not sure you'll get very far if you decide to involve the law in this.

    Some practical advice: do not see him ever again. If you have to see him around for whatever reason, do not be alone around him, because chances are he will try it again. Do not feel pressured into having sex. You do not have to have sex when you do not want to. Find some inner strength and clearly, confidently, and loudly say 'no' and ask them to leave. Call the police when they won't take no for an answer. Usually threatening to call the police will be enough to make them leave you alone.

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  • LizardSkin

    Sorry you have no self control or will power. If you agreed, in what universe could you try to call it rape?

    People like you are the reason real rapists are so hard to convict.

    If you asked me if I thought he was a pushy asshole who deserves a long walk home with his dick in his hand I'd say yes. But you didn't ask that and you need to get some back bone.

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  • It was not rape or assault. You agreed. Even if you said no 100 times in a row. You finally said yes, which is consent. It may not exactly be right but you gave consent. Grow a fucking backbone girly. Don't agree to things that you truly don't want to do. I don't want to be that guy and say that it is your fault....but it kind of is....Always stick to your guns. Next time you get yourself in a stupid situation like this (I am assuming you most likely will sooner or later) just stand your ground and assert yourself. Firmly say no you don't want sex and if the creep keeps asking tell him to leave and you still don't want to have sex. If he continues to bug you threaten to call the cops or someone to help moderate the situation before it gets out of control. Don't be one of those lame people who always pulls the victim card.

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    • bleach_baby

      http://www.pandys.org/whatisrape.html

      'if consent is given under duress (physical or emotional threats), then it is not given freely or willingly and sex with a person consenting under duress is rape'

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      • bleach_baby

        OP - see above. Legally, you were raped. However, due to widespread misconceptions about rape and a basic tendency of people to victim-blame a jury is unlikely to actually convict, so I wouldn't recommend pursuing it legally. Most likely even the perpetrator did not realise how wrong what he was doing was. My advice would be to try and explain to the perpetrator that what he did really upset you and why it is wrong to behave like that, and try to get an apology out of him. That's the closest to closure you are going to get.

        Last year I was in a somewhat similar situation - I had had casual sex with a friend before, but had made it extremely clear that I didn't want to have sex with him again. We met up, I told him there was no way he could stay at my house that night - he ended up getting me really drunk and told me he'd missed the last train home so had nowhere else to stay. He'd tried to kiss me in the club, and I'd made it clear I didn't want to get with him - aside from anything else, he had a girlfriend and I was seeing someone else. We got home, he appeared to pass out on my bed, I stayed up, finished my drink and climbed in next to him. I woke up a couple hours later naked and in pain - he'd undressed me and was fingering me. I had actually had a similar experience with this guy before (which resulted in me not speaking to him for a year, but eventually forgiving him) so on this occasion I was able to stand up for myself - I screamed at him to get off me, sat up, started crying, explained to him exactly how violating and wrong what he was doing was, and told him to get the fuck out of my house before I called the police. He was at first completely bewildered - he seemed to genuinely believe he had a right to my body simply because we'd had sex in the distant past. As I explained he started apologising, said he understood, apologised, and left when I requested (though the trains weren't running for another three hours - ha!)

        I genuinely believe I gave him the fright of his life, educated him, and hopefully prevented him from doing something similar to another incapacitated woman. Lesson - parents should educate their sons, so that victims don't have to.

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        • Sog

          What you described is completely different because you were asleep and did not give consent.

          In this case, he was asking and waiting for consent, and she said no, no, no, no, but finally said yes.

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          • bleach_baby

            I agree it's more complicated, but in the eyes of the law, it's still technically rape as it was under duress.

            Let me ask you this - do you think what he did was morally right? Bullying a drunk girl who he knew didn't want to sleep with him into giving in? Even if you don't class it as in the same league as a typical rape, he still did something pretty shitty and your sympathies should be with her. Sexuality goes right to the core of a person's being - getting coerced into having sex with someone you don't want to can be a very demeaning and upsetting thing. At worst it's a form of rape, an the very best it is bullying in its nastiest form.

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        • Parents should also teach their daughters basic self defense against a man if they ever get into a situation like this. If someone is making unwanted advances and trying to harm you in anyway you need to try and defend yourself, period. I do understand it is easier to freeze up let it happen and then complain about the incident later to get pity party for you started. If you think that a woman cannot defend herself against a man that is bigger then you are extremely mistaken.

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          • bleach_baby

            Stop victim shaming. Not all women are Rhonda fucking Rousey. You're basically turning it around and saying it's her fault for not standing up to the man, not the man's fault for being an aggressive, bullying cunt. 'Oh, you got mugged? You fucking idiot, you shoulda run that thief down and karate chopped him with those ninja skills you should have taught yourself!'

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            • Pfft whatever. I don't really care one way or the other. NO one likes a victim.

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          • LaBellesima

            That last sentence.

            Is that a joke

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        • Lonely2

          Oh shit thats wrong!? No wonder she hasnt called

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      • K. I guess its easier to become a victim and make excuses for yourself rather than being assertive and standing up for yourself.

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      • Lonely2

        Its NOT rape....plus the fact she admits to already being in a sexual relationship with him

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        • purpletrain

          Just because someone has been in a consensual sexual relationship with someone in the past doesn't mean they are exempt from being raped by that person in the future. The fact that she said yes in the past is NOT proof that she wasn't raped. I'm not saying that she was or wasn't, just that your point is completely irrelevant. We could be fucking like bunnies quite happily for years but the minute I say no and you force me to anyway is the minute it becomes rape.

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          • Lonely2

            Technically you are right but it is impossible to prosecute....unless there is obvious injury or video evidence and what not....or if there is a lengthy seperation or something

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        • bleach_baby

          Legally, it's rape - whether you agree with that or not it's the law - read the article I posted. Also, having a prior sexual relationship with someone doesn't mean you've got the right to have sex with them whenever you feel like it, whether they want to or not - that's like saying if someone lends you five bucks a couple times, you've got the right to steal out their wallet whenever you feel like it without asking.

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          • Lonely2

            This case is not rape .....thats all Im saying....you can spin your bullshit anyway you want to ...she consented...she knew what she was doing....he made no threats to her....go find some other cause to get your panties twisted over...

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            • Kasper_212

              You idiot, read her comment.
              He had a story of being agresiv and was taller then her.

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  • officer_dinkle

    Anybody that said this isn't sexual assault is frighteningly uneducated. This is textbook sexual assault.

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  • captblood44

    i have had to deal with drunk relatives a lot. rule number one, never believe what a drunk person tells you when they sober up. i'm just amazed that no one has touched on the idea that she may have regretted what she did the morning after and had to tell herself whatever to look herself in the mirror. happens a lot. i don't know that that's what happened, but possible.

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  • Kasper_212

    As you might see from my name i am a male and i will say this is not rape (i am not saying you said it either) bit i will say this is(what i consider) a sexual assault, i would recomend you calling 911 or get another friend over (not a drunk guy, best another girl) and try to stay put on your meaning (aka the fact that you said NO)

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  • Beanman

    I have pleaded and made bargans with a few girlfriends (already sexually intimate with) to have sex when they did not feel like it.
    And a few times they did it to me.

    It goes both ways. I nor she never felt it as assault.
    We both felt it was more whining.

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    • iEatZombies_

      Totally different scenario. Unless of course you fuck your girlfriends after they cried because they didn't want to.

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      • captblood44

        no, i disagree. its the same scenario. sober or drinking, you still gotta say 'no'. he didn't do anything until she said 'yes'.

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        • iEatZombies_

          Waiting to hear the word 'no' is just a way to justify fucking a girl who doesn't want to fuck you. That makes it wrong. You know when someone wants to be fucked and when they don't.

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  • bleach_baby

    Legally, it's rape, she was coerced and he knew she didn't actually want to have sex with him. Whether you think it ought to be the law or not is a different matter.

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    • captblood44

      bull. he was persistent. she just had to be as persistent.

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