Guys, you can still win on dates

This post is brought to you by me. In fact it is so brought to you by me, it's Anonymous. As in you don't know me. Because it's Is It Normal, dude.

How could you ever doubt me?

So your posts read, 'I can't score with women,' or something along those lines? Because on a daily basis you fantasize about some hot chick saving you from your lone miserable masturbatory acts in your parents' home basement. Well, you're in luck because this is all about to change in a moment. Read on.

I don't care how many days, or weeks, you've spent in that basement waiting for the 'Notices' button to resurrect here on Is It Normal so you can readily find comments that reassure you that masturbating is the sole solution to getting over rejections or dates gone bad. Dude, you've got to log off that porn site, go take a shower, freshen up and all, so you can confidently arrange for an actual date with a woman.

What is/who is a woman? A woman is a female human being who loathes male human beings who still think they can score with women (plural for woman), and instead prefers to be with a man (male human being) who makes her feel lucky to score with him. Also, women are human being species who like cute things.

So pretend you don't want to have sex. Take her to that cute place, that if you take a babe there on a coffee date, she will, and I have seen it happen before with my own eyes, she will be 50 percent vibed before you even sit down.

As a matter of fact, that’s one of the points I want to discuss in this revealing and educational post, so let’s get right into it. A Guide To How To Not Suck On A Coffee Date!

#1. Be Sober. There’s nothing particularly dangerous about being drunk on a date. If the person you are dating is also drunk. But here, you will be across the room from a sober person. Being blazed? Not a good look, son.

#2. Show some chivalry. Now, this doesn’t work in some dingy bar, or a nightclub. Because chivalry in those places means having a fight on her behalf when some lout thinks he is Drew McIntyre. I don’t advise this. You think you are fighting to protect her honour? How much honour is protected when she is known from that point on as the chick of the guy who got meleed at 7-Eleven?

#3. Chivalry. Since you have suggested that you have class by bringing her to a coffee shop, confirm it by pulling out her seat. This is a cool, chivalrous thing to do. You will be like Hugh Grant and Colin Firth and all those stuttering Brits that women used to like.

#4. If you pull out the chair and she doesn’t sit on it, and instead she goes and sits on another seat, don’t worry. It just means you got a country bumpkin who doesn’t know these things. Don’t worry. Proceed with the date.

#5. Conversation. Now, a lot of dating advice columnists will tell you to just be yourself. No, not if you suck. Be somebody else. I would suggest somebody cooler than you. Somebody charming. Have you ever heard of Ted Moseby?

#6. If you do not know who that is, you are doing reeeeally badly. I suggest you abandon the date right there, leave her, and find a way to cross the time space continuum so you can join us in the 21st Century.

#7. He’s a character in the sitcom How I Met Your Mother. Some people. You are availed with electricity and you can’t even use it to watch constructive educational TV series? Instead you play Lil Xan mp3s. 'Keeping Up With The Kardashians' too much.

#8. How I Met Your Mother is about this guy and his myriad romantic adventures, a man who flits from date to date in pursuit of the love of his life, who gets to mother his children. He is a lousy New York scrub who just dates a lot. Episode after episode.

#9. This makes him the MASTER of coffee shop dates. He is a coffee shop date ninja masta. He is so sleek at it, that he regularly vibes chicks without them even knowing.

That’s why they call the show How I Met Your Mother. The man has two kids, and yet, even after eight seasons, even he doesn’t know where he got them. He just knows that somewhere, somehow, he vibed a chick into giving him kids. Twice.

10. Memorise his speeches, learn to mimic his facial expressions. Study Ted, Learn Ted. Be Ted.

#11. Meet your date in a nice coffee shop. Having memorised all Ted’s scripts from eight seasons, answer every thing she says with the Ted speech that will fit.

#12. Take her to your parents, marry her, have kids. Maximum three. We are fed up of population explosion.