Help with an ex gf of 4yrs

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Hey.. so I’m going to try my best in cutting the long story short. I dated a girl for 18months, since the break up we have remained in close contact that has been on and off for 4yrs believing there’s either some underlying feelings or at least a friendship.

She has slept with others from the moment we broke up but we have also remained sleeping together with her claiming she doesn’t believe in monogamy as her parents broke up around the time we did which I’ve tried to accept. She has been claiming to me and to her friends the reason why she still knows me is because I am like family but the majority of the time we spend together when we are alone is like the benefits of a relationship without the commitment and her being able to sleep with whoever she chooses to sleep with. We have many fall outs as I try to stand up to what I feel is her wanting the best of both worlds, freedom to be single but also the benefits of her ex still and she always throws back at me that she’s told me we are just friends and I’m overstepping boundaries and will ignore for a couple of months but always comes back saying she needs me to help her or some reason to get us to continue like nothing happened and I fall for it as I still want the friend in her if nothing else.

I have seen her turn a work friend she had a fling with back into a platonic friendship as soon as she was over it, this is where I’m a little confused and lost thinking why hasn’t she done the same to me? So then we know where we stand and we are can have this friendship she claims we have?

Is this normal behaviour for an ex? Or am I just being played?

Thank you

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Based on 8 votes (0 yes)

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Comments ( 42 )

RoseIsabella

3 years ago | pl

You need to cut ties with this woman, because she's only using you for sex, and sex with her could give you a disease. Also, what if she gets pregnant? Even if she gets into a crisis pregnancy situation with someone else she's sleeping with she will probably try to convince you it's yours so she can milk you for your time, money, and energy. If you meet another woman who is actually a good person, and good choice for a wife, and mother this awful, and selfish ex-girlfriend will make things difficult for you, and could possibly even chase away any decent woman you meet. You have to kick your ex to the curb where she belongs. She's just garbage in your life that you have to throw out.

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- Somenormie
  
  3 years ago
  
  And I bet if OP ever comes around her, I bet 100% she'll try and change the subject, she knows he's sucker and has played him. Also I agree with the curb stomping.
  
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- T86
  
  3 years ago
  
  I’m not sure if she is using me for sex though as she has sex with others frequently so she can just have sex with them over me? That’s what makes it confusing, but I agree with you that the behaviour isn’t how someone should be and she has prevented me from knowing other people and I see her selfish tendencies. We have cut ties so if she comes back I will try my hardest to keep her away. Thank you for your comment
  
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  - RoseIsabella
    
    3 years ago
    
    You're most welcome!
    
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Str8racers

3 years ago

She likes you but doesnt wanna settle down with you. If you want kids and a marriage you should find another girl. She may be fun and all but it will never stop. You cant change her. Sorry the truth is always bitter. But thats what it is.

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S0UNDS_WEIRD

3 years ago

Go get your dick sucked on by some hot girl and tell her all about it then get kind of distant, tell her she's overstepping. See how she likes that and report from there.

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- T86
  
  3 years ago
  
  If I had a dick that might be useful haha... I have been with other people and she has known but this is when she acts like she has feelings for me still but then it reverts back to the same cycle.
  Think my option is to just cut ties completely.
  
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Somenormie

3 years ago

Just like str8racers has mentioned, you can't change her and you should live with it.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  3 years ago
  
  That’s what I’m coming to terms with and sadly accepting that I don’t really have a friend in her either like I thought I had seen as that’s what she said we were mostly about.
  
  I need to let her do her and not let this stop a future for myself of meeting someone else as it is has been.
  
  Thank you :)
  
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Albawannabe

3 years ago

Good luck :( she’s not worth your time you seem too nice x

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- T86
  
  3 years ago
  
  Thank you :)
  
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kelili

3 years ago

If you feel that you are being used then you should probably put an end to it. This relationship or lack of relationship is confusing you more than anything else and it's not good for you.

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Tommythecaty

3 years ago

Stop being such a dork and find another girl maybe.

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- T86
  
  3 years ago
  
  It’s easy to call someone a dork when you are not involved in what has been emotional manipulation that makes you confused about what is reality and what isn’t... if being a dork is loving someone trying to believe in their good intentions with you after being in love with them then yeah I’m a full on dork!
  
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  - Tommythecaty
    
    3 years ago
    
    If you’re confused by the elements in the story you told..you are kind of are.
    
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    - T86
      
      3 years ago
      
      It’s like she hasn’t wanted to commit to me but she also doesn’t want me to find someone else that would.
      
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      - Tommythecaty
        
        3 years ago
        
        Yeah, she’s being a cunt to someone she can easily lead around. And you’re being a dick for letting her. So maybe it’d be better to move on with life and find someone who’s not a total shart gremlin.
        
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        T86
        
        3 years ago
        
        I’m realising thats the answer, thank you for you’re comments :)
        
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    - T86
      
      3 years ago
      
      I appreciate you’re comment as you are just trying to give realistic advice, however I can’t write every detail of what’s been going on as that would be a long ass comment so I’ve tried to give the low down of what I can... it’s easy to just to go find someone else, I have done that but my ex has got involved with that and got between that this is why I’m saying there’s been a lot of manipulation and games that doesn’t make things simple.
      
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Whatintarnation

3 years ago

She sounds like trouble. I'd cut all ties and find someone new.

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SwickDinging

3 years ago

Stop letting her call all of the shots. Make and enforce your own boundaries. Perhaps a good place to start is that you don't want to be used anymore, so you have a boundary that you won't be sleeping with someone who sleeps with other people. If that means that you don't see much of each other anymore then oh well, her loss. She should respect your boundaries just as she expected you to respect hers for all of these years. It's a 2 way street.

If your boundary is protecting yourself from people who make you feel bad and don't prioritise your feelings, then maybe that means you stop being friends with her.

These are YOUR CHOICES to make. You get to decide how you allow people to treat you. Don't let this user walk all over you and call the shots. Protect yourself. Take control of your own life.

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- T86
  
  3 years ago
  
  Hi, thanks for you’re comment. I have been putting boundaries in place or tried to but always caved in as I do still have feelings for her and she has a way of encouraging those especially when I have gone with someone else she then goes a little psycho about it but nothing changes after that, however recently I had stopped the physical side of things and that has created more distance between us.
  
  Which is why I’m confused as we have been friends all these years why is there a change in the friendship side of things if that’s what we were? That’s why I feel I’ve been played, and it hurts because I don’t have a lot of friends so I really value her friendship I guess it’s just with the wrong person.
  
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  - SwickDinging
    
    3 years ago
    
    I'm really to sorry to say this but she isn't your friend.
    
    It's a common pattern to fall into, where you continue sleeping with and spending time with your ex because you want to stay friends. But friends don't act this way. You can't be friends with someone who you have feelings for and are sleeping with - especially not when she is treating you like this.
    
    I know it must be hard when you feel like you don't have many other friends but you really should cut ties with this woman. Perhaps focus on meeting new people and making friends that aren't connected to her.
    
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    - T86
      
      3 years ago
      
      I’ve been realising this more recently as it became more obvious that it was what I could do for her more than a mutual friendship, what created that was she would always kinda set me up when we hung out like invite me over for dinner but when I would get there she would be in bed and say she’d already eaten so I’m like okay why was I invited then? Like it was to get us to sleep next to one another and possibly sleep together as shed ask me to stay the night but in my head I’m going off what she says about us being friends so it confuses me and then one time she just came out and asked for sex and I was like not when the friendship isn’t okay since then it’s created distance but now she’s sleeping with a guy after claiming she’s a lesbian and wouldn’t go with a guy again after her marriage so she’s a little all over the place.
      
      she needs to figure out what she wants in this life and I need to let her go and do that and forget the friendship I thought I had with her.
      
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      - SwickDinging
        
        3 years ago
        
        This sounds like a massive head fuck. She is playing games.
        
        I would stop all contact for now. You can't move on when she's doing this to you.
        
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        T86
        
        3 years ago
        
        It’s been a huge head fuck since we broke up, this is why I feel so lost and confused with it all and seeked reassurance that I’m not crazy or being a psycho ex like she claims I am and that this just isn’t normal behaviour between two exes.
        
        We have cut ties so I will make sure to keep it that way even if she reaches out to me once again.
        
        Thank you for the comments :)
        
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T86

3 years ago

I have to make it known this is a same sex ex relationship so two women.

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olderdude-xx

3 years ago

Some people just operate as sexually free people - and do develop long term friendships with people because friendship is about filling other needs other than sex.

I'd give it a bit more time and specifically ask her what it is that she finds in you that she wants to remain friends.

Friendships do not require sex, but can include it.

You may find that you can be her friend for other things, and leave the sex aside - or not - as you feel is appropriate.

It's not a problem that you have a different sexual standard than she does - not if you are friends for other reasons.

I wish you best with this,

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  3 years ago
  
  I would understand and accept this more if I felt the friendship was strong and a good friendship but it sadly isn’t as I feel I am her friend that’s only convenient to her and what I can do for her.
  
  She picks and chooses and controls everything, I have asked on many occasions what it is that keeps her wanting to know me and she just says I’m like family that’s it. Her friends have suggested it’s a trauma bond we have that keeps us close, as I was her first girlfriend after coming out as gay and the only serious girlfriend since.
  
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  - olderdude-xx
    
    3 years ago
    
    Understand. In that case perhaps its best to assess what lessons you can learn from this and move on.
    
    Be courteous enough to tell her that you are no longer interested in seeing her, and suggest that she needs to find other friends - as you are.
    
    You have a great future ahead of you... Don't let the past anchor you down so much that you cannot move forward.
    
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    - T86
      
      3 years ago
      
      An update is that she is now she mustn’t be completely gay, she’s currently sleeping with a guy so I am very confused as she has claimed for 6yrs she is a lesbian after previously being married to a man and had a child with him.. my ex tends to have many flings and I feel it’s with whoever is willing to provide that, doesn’t matter of gender I guess.
      
      I’m best to leave her to do what she chooses and cut my losses on the friendship as hard as that is.
      
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radar

3 years ago

She's using you. You won't get more.

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- T86
  
  3 years ago
  
  Yeah it’s been made clear now I was being used, all been games I will struggle to ever understand why.
  
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  - radar
    
    3 years ago
    
    Honestly my best guess is because she likes the sex and because you let her.
    
    I was used by someone too. Easier said than done but I'm trying my best to focus on what's in front of me instead of reading too far into the past. After a while I think the reason has become less important than the reality of what happened. I know what I want and it's not this.
    
    Maybe someday these people will get their act together and realize they're either being a senseless jerk or losing people they actually care about due to their own emotional problems (or both). Either way I'm not holding my breath, and that's their own path to walk down that we can't help them with, even as much as we may want to.
    
    Wishing you strength. This shit is not for the weak.
    
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    - T86
      
      3 years ago
      
      it’s all very confusing and only now has she come back saying she doesn’t to sleep with me anymore and just wants my friendship!! Like okay what about the last 4yrs of “friendship” and me asking her to do the right thing. It’s a bit of a joke really.
      
      I agree with everything you have said, and I’m glad to hear you are better without that person and I know I will be too if I keep being strong and not let her try get back into my life.
      
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jethro

3 years ago

Just keep her for the sex. Nothing more. That is all she wants anyway.

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Anonymous Post Author

3 years ago

Thank you both for commenting.

I agree with both of you, I think that’s why it has been hard to completely let go as her behaviour shows signs that she does have some feeling still but just can’t commit but also it’s not normal behaviour to keep an ex in your life like a revolving door and that’s how I feel.

We have cut ties once again, and I will just have to not fall for the “I need you” or whatever reason she might use to contact me for.

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- RoseIsabella
  
  3 years ago
  
  You need to block her on your phone, and block her on all social media. It's not right for her to walk in and out of your life, and just use you, then dispose of you at her convenience. Like I said in a previous comment this girl sounds like a selfish person who just wants to use you as she sees fit, and she is not behaving in a respectful manner towards you. Kick her to the curb.
  
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Are You Normal?

Help with an ex gf of 4yrs