How to drop a proper deuce

I flush so it drops into the whirlpool.
I heard that if you lay toilet paper across the surface of the water it reduces the splash.

I suppose you could just shit next to the toilet and let someone else dispose of it. That way you avoid the splash.

U need a toilet seat made out of indestructible Adamantium, a kick ass healing factor, a presian dragon, collection of the best songs from Metalica, a sniper riffle, a bullet proof vest and eat a lot of fiber.

Pray to the Tidy Bowl man for his blessing.
:-)

The best way I've found is to include this meal every day:

Boil 12 eggs, shell them, mix with beans, habenors, white pepper, pepper sauce, green peppers, bunch of dried onions, 60 cloves of garlic, as much liquid smoke as you
can stand, cumin, tantalising tumiric, chilli powder, wash down with james ready beer, or pabst blue rbbon at least two. Then have 2 cups of yoghurt a day.

I then take a ladder and position it slightly in front of the toilet, climb up so I am owling over the toilet. And just explode everywhere Add some corn into the chilli as well for colourful chunks and the icing on the cake is take flax seeds and some corn and make little balls small enough to shallow easily. Then your body can't digest them, so the whole time building up the grand event you smell like sewage and just gag everyone out of house and home. Then as you approach climax owl over that ladder and this allows a lot more force you will spray everywhere the walls the floor, toilet and sink best to do at a friends house or public place. if the ask why you are bring a ladder with you say a light bulb was out. Public place you could be staff or just bought it and no one is gonna lay a finger on my ladder. Then the final grace of shit sparying every where comes from the gatling gun effect of those indgestable balls firing into the toilet as huge waves of water come up but as you are posistioned in front you shouldn't have blow back. Happy shitting y'all. If you want clean poop eat lots of fiber and avoid foods that make you runny.

From the sky.

When I was about 9 years old I came up with a novel solution to this modern problem.

I would reel off a length of toilet paper (about 24" long) and suspend it in a 'U' shape just above the level of the water.

Then I would put an end of it under each of my legs. Thus forming a kind of suspended trampoline arrangement to catch the poop before it hit the water (sort of like when firemen catch someone when they jump out of a burning building so they don't hit the ground with a splat).

No embarrassing splashing sounds and no water splash on your cute ass. When you're done you just let the poo trampoline drop into the toilet.

Problem solved.

Poop in a plastic bag then put it in the mailbox of someone you hate. Voila, two birds with one stone.

I shit on the kitchen floor like normal people.

I simply do it from below.

There are different kind of shit. There are those who splash and those who do not.

Sit on tiolet backwards then it sticks to bowl 1st and then you flush it away

Spread your cheeks, hover over the bowl and drop a poop.

lol@ magikarp metaphor

I just put toilet paper in the toilet before I poop to avoid splashing.

Sounds to me like your eating to many fatty foods. Change your diet or build a bowl barrier out of tp.