I’m the happiest i’ve been in my life but i’m having thoughts of suicide

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12 Comments

2 years ago, my best friend took his life by jumping from a balcony. 6 months after that, I met the girl of my dreams and we’ve been dating ever since. We’re very much in love and our relationship is very strong, and close and I feel well supported by her. I’m an animator by trade and I’ve been working on a dream project, a feature film. Life is the best it’s ever been, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. Except at night sometimes I wake about 3 or 4am in the morning and my girlfriend is lying there, she lives in an apartment building and I get this overwhelming feeling that Im ready to go, it’s my time. And everything in me just wants to end it there, on a happy note, and jump from her balcony.
Is it normal to be happy and suicidal at the same time?

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Based on 6 votes (0 yes)
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Comments ( 12 )
  • 1WeirdGuy
    2 years ago

    Dont do it dude. Itd be such a waste. Not even to mention how fucked up it would be for your family and girlfriend. When you get a bit older you'll probably regret having the thoughts.

    Also having depressive thoughts at night when its quiet and you are trying to sleep is a known phenomenon. Try not to think too much at night like that.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      2 years ago

      In the end we’re born alone and we die alone, we take ownership of our lives, our choices are ours. Sure my friends suicide fucked me up for awhile there, but I was able to accept it as his choice. I think that’s important.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      2 years ago

      Ah my family don’t care.
      It would be fucked up for my girlfriend yes, but there’s secrets about me that if she found out she would not love me for anyway. The relationship has a time limit on it, like everything. There’s a non permanency to things. And I think I’ve become transcendent

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      • 1WeirdGuy
        2 years ago

        Just dont do it. Its really stupid.

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  • Grunewald
    2 years ago

    I've heard of people going through something like what you are going through, when they have undergone a traumatic event like the death of a loved one by suicide. It can happen years after the event, even when you are otherwise okay.

    Your reaction is to be expected, given the circumstances - but that doesn't mean you should act like it's nothing. With RoseIsabella, I recommend that you reach out and get professional help if you can. The fact that it's such a recognisable reaction makes me think that it wouldn't take a therapist very long to decide how to help you; there are probably a number of things they could do for you. Even your general medical practitioner might be able to give you some pointers. If you can't get professional help, keep yourself well-surrounded by people who are able to listen to you, or who are otherwise able to let you be yourself around them without superficially trying to 'fix' you in a hurry.

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  • Keepitsimple
    2 years ago

    So if you're happier than you've ever been before, and you're not afraid of death, why do you suddenly feel the urge to do it? Why would you want to rush your death when it's literally the only thing that is certain? It's coming for all of us, so there's no need to rush it even if you aren't very happy because that can always change. In your case you say you are very happy so I don't understand it at all.

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  • KholatKhult
    2 years ago

    I can relate to this, I’ve been blessed to have a very happy-go-lucky personality and a positive attitude in just about every phase of my life - that being said, I have very very low moments still.

    I myself am a diagnosed schizophrenic, it doesn’t matter how incredible my wife is, or how sound my horses are, or how good my next meal is - I will always have my down times.

    I like the “Ball in the Box” analogy for grief.

    That basically our mental state is a bouncing ball in a box with a “Pain” button on one side.
    In the beginning the ball is large, with almost every bounce the ball is hitting that Pain button
    While the ball slowly shrinks in size over time, it hits the button less and less frequently, but when it does hit it - it still hurts just as much as it ever did

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  • RoseIsabella
    2 years ago

    You need to get some help STAT, my friend!

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      2 years ago

      It’s just an acceptance of death, a loss of all fear of it. I don’t want to fear it anymore, and I truly don’t. Its perfect calm, peace. It’s a readiness.

      Once you’ve lost all fear of life, experienced love and unbridled happiness, realised your dreams and gone for your ambitions, and then lost all fear of death, it’s then you can really look at it and be ready to accept either

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  • [Old Memory]
    2 years ago

    Depression is funny like that. It's in your brain and not something that is affected by outside factors like how good your life is, unfortunately. I strongly suggest you to seek professional help and to focus as much as possible on the positives. Write a list of things you're greatful for everyday, spend time in nature even if it's just short walks to begin with and try to avoid things in your diet which will slow you down and make you feel worse. If nothing helps at all medication is always an option. You should definietely talk about your friends suicide in therapy if you haven't already, that is something very traumatizing that needs to be processed properly. And as for the difficult feelings at night those tend to show because you're without distractions at night. Meditation can be good for that as you're literally practicing your mind to be quiet. Meditating when going to bed is a good idea because you'll be falling asleep with a quiet mind. Use guided meditations in the beginning.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      2 years ago

      Thanks for taking the time to comment. I got extensive psych counselling after my friends suicide, I practise meditation and light candies at night and always make time to wind down. Sarah Blondin is one of my favourites.
      You’re right too, about depression. People always talk about exercise being pivotal in battling it, but I remember back in 2013 going on a cycle trip in europe where I cycled down Germany into the Czech Republic, 1600km. I returned from that trip the most depressed I’ve ever been. That’s just the thing, I’ve known depression in my life before but this is a different beast, I almost want to die because I’ve been broken and I’ve been fixed, I’ve had incredible happiness and incredible sadness; I’ve been to rock bottom and I’ve realised my dream. It’s this beautiful fucked up mosaic and it just feels time in my mind to let it go, I don’t want it anymore, the good and the bad. It’s just a bittersweet thing, life, and I feel like I’ve lived an eternity already and I’m tired, happy, grateful and ready.

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  • Whatintarnation
    2 years ago

    You've got some great things in your life but you may also need to find a higher calling. Be it faith or volunteering or something you can do to improve the world around you. It might just be that you're not feeling truly needed. I don't know just spit balling

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