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I’m the other and I’ve never wanted to become her. I expressed my concern and was told that, that’s not what they think and I’m not the other and I’m more than just a fuck buddy. Idk what to do; we have been doing this for quite sometime. I need no judgement on the choices I’ve made either.
A person who is capable of hiding an affair from a partner can never be a person who can be monogamous.
It takes a certain personality to disrespect a relationship like that, and such a personality will never change. Some people aren’t made for it, and that is 100% okay, but they must not try to enter into a committed relationship with someone who is made for the closed partnered life.
It is not that you are a person who is destined to always be an “other”, it is that this person is only capable of having “others”. Passion and intimacy are components of an enjoyable and romantic relationship, but they are not the boring structural requirements that make a partnership a partnership.
If he is incapable of respecting and committing not just to his partner, but the relationship itself, it shows that he lacks things like a sense of duty and discipline. None of you in this scenario will be happy.
Just leave him/her. Walk away. You deserve better than being someone's second choice. You can get better. Walk away and never look back. You don't owe anyone anything. It's your life. Live it the way you want. Make choices that benefit you. Choose to be around people who respect you and make you feel good. If it stops feeling good, cut them off. Just don't respond and don't give them anything. Find someone better. Someone who will prioritize you.
What do you want to do? What do you need?
It sounds like you both struggle with boundaries, maybe looking into a recovery program would help.
Idk, I'm the been there done that type person. I've been on both sides of this issue. Head over heals in love, monogamous, and devastated when they cheated. I was told then by that SO that they loved both of us! What? I couldn't understand that, it didn't make sense to me. However, fast forward 10 years, and I was the one attached and cheating. I now understood a little about how you can love two people. In my defense they were thousands of miles apart and I was working 3 months at a time in two different locations. They were not neighbors or friends spending weekends hanging out with each other.
But I learned not to judge too harshly, if you live with a refrigerator it's nice to find a warm stove or fireplace once in a while. If you have a lot of time, children, life invested in a relationship, but the physical needs aren't being met maybe, just maybe, things can work with two.
I do think you owe it to both of them to be as truthful as possible. Both times that I have been committed to someone and started looking or had another on the side, the SO knew there were problems and they did not want to work on fixing the issues.
Can you live and love somebody while they have another on the side? Maybe!!!