I can't stop negative daydreams
Ever since I can remember I've would daydream for hours before I went to bed. The only difference is in the beginning I had control. I could make up people or use someone I really knew. I could make it good or bad. And I was okay with that.
As life went on, tragedies really happened (I escaped a guy who wanted it without my permission, my mom passed, my family divided several times several ways, my daughter was in the nicu, 2 car wrecks one when I was 18 and not driving, and the other back in January with my daughter in the car me driving, and most recently my father passing, plus I went to jail for falling in love with the wrong guy several years ago and followed his path)
That said, it has made me grow into a very fearful person. The daydreams feel more like 4D visions stuck on repeat mode. I'll try everything smoking, breathing exercises, counting in my head which I never make past 20, I've tried just writing it down. I been talking more and more to my husband about it. I know my trigger alone laying down by myself which when you work opposite shifts good luck taking that trigger away. I know it's not normal.
What I want to know is it normal for me to not want to find out why I'm like this. I know, like I feel it constantly there is a deep dark family secret and discovering it could change my perspective on one's gone already. I know my parents were not perfect, but why do I fear knowing!