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I have sexual traumas from my past, I haven't encountered violence in 5 years, yet I can't stop thinking and hoping to encounter it again. I look through material in the internet and take risks in my everyday life that may put me in harms way. I feel like I can't be satisfied other by someone hurting me really bad. How can I make this stop.
Retraumatising yourself is a coping mechanism, although a very unhealthy one. It’s basically you trying to take control over what happened to you in the past and convince yourself it wasn’t that bad, maybe that you even enjoyed it. You probably haven’t fully worked through your trauma yet and should really work through this with a professional. As a fellow sexual assault survivor I wish you luck <3
Go see a therapist. I'm sorry that happened to you. I hope the perpetrator experiences the exact same type of violence inflicted upon you except at least 2 times as bad
This is a common coping mechanism, as others have said. But I would advise you to seek professional help. NOT because of any wrongdoing on your part, but because this isn't something you should have to figure out alone.
Yeah, I was all into the idea of rape long before I got raped for real. My real experience wasn't at all like I planned it or anything so it didn't scratch that itch at all. It just made me obsess on 'real' rape more. I knew my head was messed up when I was wearing my sluttiest outfits walking by myself late at night in places I knew other women had been raped. Fortunately this didn't work for me.
What did was becoming a major cock tease on dates. I couldn't tell guys I wanted to get forced on so I basically let guys get as worked up as I dared and then put a stop to things. Then I'd relent a little and stop it. I didn't plan on being this way but the first time my date got tired of being led on and forced himself on me I was hooked. For me, if the guy didn't get the hint and simply take me, he went home with blue balls and it was all his own fault.