I have internalized ableism

I have always wanted to talk about this issue, though I have thought to myself many times if it were the right thing to do or not I needed to get this out of my head.

I am currently suffering from a disability, not physically but intellectually. My disability isn't severe, it's milder but I do get support for some things.

This is the part where I may be a bit hypocritical because I despise people that are actually physically disabled. I am living in a house full of flatmates and one of them is in a wheelchair with one leg. He Cannot afford a prosthetic leg as they are expensive and just uses his right leg/foot to help him stroll around since his chair does not have a footrest.

The problem I have with him is that he is loud, (yes he can speak and do other things, he just has one leg that's the difference) he is smelly and doesn't wash, never cleans up after himself though he is capable of doing simple chores alone, he gets in the way when I am in the kitchen and his fat ass has to try and figure out where he's going otherwise he'll crash into me.

I will never tell him off about certain things, because he is just so intimidating and never listens anyway, even during meetings where we discuss chores and how to perform simple things independently but guess what?

He will never listen because he doesn't care. That's where I am thinking in my head that he is a retard, a fat pig, and should be kicked from the home despite not having anywhere else to go during covid 19. There is this other flatmate that has Epilepsy and autism, but the way he speaks so fucking slowly between his words actually annoys me so much. He is a big attention seeker, stands right into my personal space when I don't like it, he is crusty as hell, this is all the things I can think of calling them but would never say it to their face because I know it would create drama.

The amount of internalized ableism is awful, I hate the way I was born If my parents weren't druggies from the beginning then maybe I wouldn't have this problem that I deal with every day. I am embarrassed of myself and why I was born with a disability but at the same time, I project my insecurities on others by calling them ugly, stupid, a waste of space on earth, and they should have been aborted at birth.

There's so much more in my head that I won't explain but it's bad.

hate me if you will, But until I get out of this mindest I will always have internalized discrimination towards disabled people.