I haven't left my bed in two days

10 Comments

This is embarassing. I haven't left my bed or eaten in two days. My sister's a sweetheart and she brings me waterbottles from time to time, but I just can't will myself up. I feel so terrible. My heart is racing because of pent up energy and I need to take a shower and brush my teeth, but everytime I stand up I end up having a panic attack. I've thought about turning on cute cartoons but even walking across the room to grab my laptop is impossible. I just feel pathetic and disgusting. I'm in this hole and I can't get out.

I feel like I've tried everything. None of my friends are answering their phones and my boyfriend is in a military training. We talk a bit, but I don't think he understands. He just thinks its as easy as "thinking positive thoughts". I would go to therapy, but I can't even afford it. My insurance only covers one person's mental health therapy and my brother's even more of an emotional wreck than I am. My boyfriend offers to pay for talkspace (you can text a therapist. About $50 a week) but I can't accept it because it makes me feel even more grimy and terrible than before. There's no way out of this. I've felt this way since March and I keep hoping things will get better but I'm not happy and I'm not enjoying myself.

The kicker is that I've really tried to convince myself that living is actually enjoyable. This summer I travelled to New Orleans, Little Rock, Loisville, Milwaukee, Chicago, and even my grandparents farm in Indiana. Everything's the same. Everything feels like shit. Everything is shit. I just don't see a purpose in anything.

That's too depressing though. I guess I'm just asking for advice? Hopefully someone here has gone through similar things. I'd just like help, or at least enough motivation to shower. I'm tired of being sad.

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Comments ( 10 )
  • lordofopinions
    5 years ago

    Deep depression is not a nice thing to have. You have to force yourself to get out of that bed and go take a long shower. You will feel so much better. Then sit down and make a gratitude list. Start with a roof over your head and go from there. Things you take for granted but a lot of people don't have.

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    • cinderfloof
      5 years ago

      Thanks! This helped a lot. I don't feel fantastically better, but I was able to clean myself, cook for my family, and clean my room. It's something. I really appreciate you.

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      • lordofopinions
        5 years ago

        You're welcome. Laying in bed is not the way to handle depression. You have to get mobile. As you found a nice shower is a great way to feel better. List a few things you have been putting then pick one and even if you don't feel like JUST DO IT. After you have done it you should feel a sense of accomplishment. Do that routine every day.

        Don't forget your gratitude list.

        Your bf sounds very supportive. Isn't he worth getting better for? Each day will be better. Hang in there and we will help.

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  • zeldaistall
    5 years ago

    There is nothing wrong with recieving help. I have heard some great things about Talkspace (I think they have promo codes so you could at least give it a shot without spend as much). I would also try talking with people around you openly about how you are feeling, its relieving talking about your feelings. I hope you feel better soon

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    • cinderfloof
      5 years ago

      The problem isn't talkspace, its that my boyfriend would be buying it. We've been together for years but taking money from him makes me feel grimy; like a gold digger.

      Thank you for your sentiments though. It makes me happy to think someone cares about me.

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  • LornaMae
    5 years ago

    Did anything happen in March?

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    • cinderfloof
      5 years ago

      I went to go visit my boyfriend for Spring Break. That was possibly the best week of my life. When I went home I was understandably sad about it, but it just never went away. Even when he came to visit me in July, I was still depressed and it persists until today.

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  • Appareson
    5 years ago

    Are you dead?

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    • cinderfloof
      5 years ago

      Nope, I was able to will myself up and pull things together with help from the community, but I still wish I was

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      • lordofopinions
        5 years ago

        Don't give up on yourself. Keep going!

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