I know it's not normal, but what do i do? sex/porn acting out.
I have been struggling with an issues I've been having the past two years...
It started early on in the pandemic as a means to distract myself from the insanity of it all, my mind was blowing up with frustration and anxiety. So I turned to porn. Which very much so was like changing the channel completely at that time.
I've masturbated and looked at porn my whole life, had lots of great fantasies, crushes, and wonderful orgasms. But around two years ago I started developing this compulsion, or even an addiction, so to speak. I think it started with me distracting myself and wanting to look at porn, and then making myself get off to it, even if I wasn't turned on or aroused.
I can't seem to stop myself and have a very hard time controlling this. I never had this happen, ever in my life, in this way. I go at most a day or two at best without masturbation, with or without porn use, and each time it mostly, 80-90% of the time, feels like I am forcing it. And it starts now with an urge to look at porn, or an urge to do it, born out of frustration I am experienceing in life still. Deep frustration with not being able to find a real life mate, a better job, circumstances out of my control, feeling powerless and overwhelmed, and in that moment of intense frustration, I feel the need to look at a penis, or watch a cumshot video. And I'm not even horny or aroused or turned on.
This is messed up and I know it's not normal, and it's not normal for me at all, I never used to be like this.
I've tried talked to two therapists so far, but they haven't helped or understand how serious this is. After I do it, and I orgasm, I feel so bad and even more frustrated that this is happening. It just triggers more powerlessness. And if I try to stop myself, it doesn't always work. If I decide to look at porn, it's even harder to stop myself, because I just want feel good again, I want to feel the way I used to feel; the way I'm sure anyone feels when they masturbate: good, pleasurable, wonderful. This feels more machinistic, route, it's sickening and I'm overwhelmed and tired of it.
Is going to a Sex Addiction or AA type meeting my only solution? I don't even know if this is a bonafide addiction or compulsion. All I know is I want it to be over with.