I'm tired of existing and have no motivation
I don't have the urges to suicide - but I do welcome death from others. I have no religion of my own and really am stunned as to how people can believe their faith is 'the one true one' or whatever.
I recently relocated for depressing reasons, and have been demoralized beyond belief. I'm young - 21 - but I have no idea what I want to do with my life, hate myself, and dislike women. [ I'm a male ]. I'm not gay, I just detest women.
Anyway, its strange because most of my friends are girls, and I come off as the nicest friend they have [so they tell me] I'm not looking to escape friend zones, or even move in on them, I'm simply at a loss for existence.
I have no purpose, no beliefs, no feelings. I just am. I have a 20,000 credit card limit and just use it freely on anything, whatever. I could care less anymore. I took a homeless man for lunch at burger king, and he told me that I looked sadder then him, to which I had nothing to respond.
I'm not overweight or socially inept, I'm actually pretty well established and what not, I just simply no longer have a drive or reason to want to push forward. I find this 'endless circle' of an existence to be futile, repetitive, and a grind.
My friends drive me somewhere and occasionally I'll joke, saying I wouldn't mind if we get hit by a car. They think I joke all the time, but honestly I welcome death. I say Ill never kill myself, and I won't - I'm just a scared little boy who is too much of a coward to do it myself, for the fear that maybe the closed minded religious theorists are accurate with their afterlife assessments.
Please don't jump the gun one way or another, I'm simply voicing my deep dark secrets here because, well I have no one to talk to. My parents are very religious and I must live the facade that I'm on their side, otherwise theyll be very hurt in my falling away from christianity.
I feel like a few different people. I don't want to hurt people or myself, I just wish things were different. I don't know why life has to be the way it is - I would simply enjoy living in a forest sustaining myself with the food nature provides reading books and writing in my free time.
I don't think I'm insane, I again apologize if I offend anyone. I really don't know what to feel these days in terms of where I'm going or what I want - I'd love to find a girl who understands me, but no one wants to be with someone who doesn't even understand themselves. I've turned away numerous invites [i'm not bragging] for dates and things on both spectrums, simply because I didn't feel I was a good influence on that person - let alone anyone.
Being around people, i make them weak - I drain them. My feelings and emotions are parasitic, and no one wants to hear that. The majority of my friends all have their head on tight, good jobs, success-bound, some even done with college.
I don't want to end up homeless or destitute - but at the same time I just lack the will to push forward when existing itself is simply a chore to me.