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I starve myself because I feel like I don't deserve to eat. Its not about my gaining or losing weight. Its just that I don't feel like I deserve anything good in any way and at this point im used to it and I forget to eat.
You need to seek help. You feeling that you don't "deserve" it is only irrational. You deserve a good life, and stay healthy and live just as much as any other human being. What makes you "different" there?
I already did and it just made everything worst. I swear to god im trying my best but it just doesn't feel enough
I think at some point you just gotta realize that you have suffered enough (and Im guessing for something that wasnt even your fault) and you gotta move on. But you may not be ready today, it takes time to heal, I understand if you cant decide to get over it just now. But until you actually can get better mentally, focus on not doing any sort of serious damage to yourself that will follow you for life.
Not sure if this is the right recommendation, but try tracking nutrients so you're sure you aren't way below what you should have of any given nutrient, it does not have to be perfect. And consider taking supplements. I think cronometer is good for tracking.
Many countries in the world have eating disorder help lines that you can call to get the appropriate kind of assistance you need.
Please call your local one...
You have withing you the seeds of a fantastic future and wonderful life. You just need some assistance to assist you in moving around your current obstacle.
I wish you the best with this and a fun and prosperous future.
Why do you not think you are worthy? Who taught you that?
Why do you have to deserve it? You're a person too, and when you love yourself, it's easier to love others, so loving yourself is a form of kindness. Get some company, go outside, anything to lift yourself up. Please treat your body well because bazillions of cells exist only to support you, so you can witness this life and learn and enjoy here. You deserve food, please at least eat some yogurt.