I want to gain weight yet, i secretly don't. iin?

I've had an on and off history with eating disorders, most notably anorexia.

I have gotten a lot better, and I like to tell myself that I have nothing to worry about anymore but, some of my feelings/thoughts leave me concerned.

I have a big appetite and I have a very fast matabolism. I am very thin as a result. I know that I need to gain weight, for the sake of my health but, secretly, I don't want to gain weight.

In fact, I fear it, despite knowing that it would be practically impossible for me to become fat, which is what I fear the most.

Is this normal?