I won't take care of my autistic brother when my parents die, iin?

I want to say that you're selfish, but I honestly do sympathize with you. Your brother living with you will impair your life, your goals and will more than likely present challenges that you do not have the life experience to handle. You don't want to be weighed down by someone that can't help but harm others and bring you trouble.

I know a guy that was in the same situation as you, however, he had two twin sisters with Downs Syndrome. When his Mom died, he took the house and responsibility of the sisters. They have since cost him *quite* a bit of money and have gotten him in trouble with the law because of their violent and childish actions. This guy has a son that lives with him and recently my friend had to make the decision to split the sisters and look into a group home because now, the sisters are beginning to make false accusations of domestic violence against his son and his son, who has no criminal record or history of violence and who is 18 and has his whole life ahead of him, could be put into grave legal trouble if the sisters continue what they are doing.

He has tried everything to solve these problems and to no avail. In order to keep himself and his son out of legal trouble and financial peril, he will have to give them up. He loves them and he wishes he didn't have to but his first responsibility, ALL OF OURS, is to himself, and then to his son.

I don't blame you for not wanting to take on such a responsibility. You have seen how your brother's autism has affected your parents life and you *know* how drastic those effects can be, how life consuming caring for someone with violent tendencies due to mental illness can be and you know that it will be just about impossible to conduct a life and have a family in even somewhat of a state of peace with your brother around.

I don't envy your position.

I'm probably the only one who's thinking you're not being selfish for wanting to take care of your brother. Just be sure he's got someone capable who can take care of him :)

It's normal that you don't want to take care of your brother. People need their freedom. You and your younger brother just aren't ready for that responsibility. Your parents know that.

It's not normal that you "no longer care about him." He's your brother, it doesn't need to be you but just make sure in the end someone is taking care of him.

I have a form of High-functing autism, and so does my brother, and I don't agree that you should have to look after him.

no you are NOT being selfish. there is nothing wrong with wanting to live your own life. you'll have to make this clear to those half-assed retarded relatives of yours, though.

Geez, why don't you just say you wanna sell him to the circus?

No it's not selfish, fuck him and go and live your own life.

As someone who is currently living with an autistic sibling I can say I relate to your feelings. I don't care if people think I'm selfish, I've been hospitalized because of my brothers violent outbreaks and he's destroying our house (I don't have a door or a wall because of his outbursts) I have a hard time keeping relationships because no one can put up with the constant screaming and violence, my dad commuter suicide because he couldn't deal with the stress, I have never been able to have friends over because I'm embarrassed, I've been diagnosed with depression because his needs always came first second and third so everything I have ever done has been an after thought, and I have PTSD from all the times I've been pushed down the steps, had speakers and televisions thrown at me (two of which have broken my feet), and have just been terrorized in general. I've lived with friends for months at a time to try and get some peaceful sleep for once. My mom thinks that when she dies I'm taking my brother and she is dead wrong. I've been begging her for years to put him in a home but her boyfriend keeps guilting her into keeping him here where he terrorizes all of us And our dogs day in and out. It's an awful life and it takes a toll on you.

It's totally unfair for any of your family members to expect you to assume care of your mentally disabled brother just b/c he's your brother!!! I would do exactly the same thing you're going to do, put him in a home!!
Quite honestly, I think given the situation, your parents may be the selfish ones!! By continuing to put all of the rest of you in danger by trying to care for their son when clearly they can't control his dangerous behavior either!! He belongs in a home now, where he can be taken care of properly! I know this would be a horribly difficult decision for them to make since he is their son, but they have two other children who's safety they need to consider as well!!

You aren't selfish. Tons of people know they wouldn't take the responsibility. You're busy living your life & plus with other things going on, you can't really offer him the care that a group home could do. That's why group homes exist, so they can take care of people like that. So, I think it's normal.

I can see why you wouldn't want to look after him, but I think you and your younger brother could make sure he's in the hands of someone who could. A group home for the developmentally disabled, for example. They would take care of him.

Good luck with your situation. My autistic deaf half brother, who is 15 years older than me and didn't grow up with me, somehow ended up in my care. My parents are both still alive. My brother, who is two times my weight, will one day end up hitting me and may possibly burn the house down.

I am in my mid 20's, caring for a 40 year old "child", going to school, and working. I have pets as a responsibility on top of that. My brother is on SSI, and my goal is to start a career in something - anything, that will allow me to supplement his income so that he can be on his own in a studio, and I'll just pay someone to check on him/clean three times a week.

I have Asperger's, but it has effected me very little fortunately. I won't put my brother in a home though, I want him to have a life and live freely. But I understand how you feel. It is very hard caring for someone who has no gratitude for the sacrifices you make for them, and responds to it only with abuse.

There needs to be more options for people in our situation. I have a lot of responsibility without caring for this man, but with him added to the mix I am about ready to have a nervous breakdown. I myself am not 100 percent stable. I barely know my brother. I had no idea that this would even be my future, but I'm loyal to my mother and if this is what she wants me to do, I'll do it.

The truth is, your parents had your brother first, and they knew he was autistic. They should have planned for his future financially before having two more children.

I just registered in order to make this comment.
I'm in a similar situation, my brother is a year younger than me, and is a 6'2" 240lb, and he as well, has autism.
He's come a long way in the past 5 years, but frankly, he's made every part of my life far more difficult.
I'm not blaming them for it at all, its other people that I blame.
People who do not experience this every day, are just not used to it, and people treat things that arent familiar to them, negatively, whether they mean to or not.
I've had problems dating in the past, to the point where I just talk about my family constantly to avoid wasting time on girls who couldn't tolerate being in the same room as them twice a year.

The only time I've ever led a normal life, is when I was moved out of the house off to college.

I stayed homeless for 6 months to avoid returning home to this situation, anyone who has been through this would understand.

Would you feel selfish? Yeah, probably, are you being selfish though? Fuck yes.
But who honestly said you don't deserve to be selfish about things that will affect EVERYTHING IN YOUR LIFE?

Anyone who gives you shit over this doesn't deserve to have an opinion, as they have not had the same experiences we've had, so club those people in the head with a rock. Those hypocrits probably havent even called their mothers in six months because of how inconvenient it would be.

No, you're not being selfish. Not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver, nor should they be expected to be. It's a personal choice that should not be dictated by others. Next time your relatives ask about it, you could say something like, "I appreciate your concern, but it's none of your business."

Your brother needs professional to take care of him.

You're not selfish at all. I used to have to take care of two disabled people, my mom and my grandma who both had some argumentive and controlling tendencies. My mom in particular, who acts like a bratty/psychotic 16 year old. It was basically impossible for me to live my own life and I became depressed. I cared about both of them, but I was very unhappy in that situation.

Nah, you're being pretty selfish. Not necessarily for the decision you're making, but because of your attitude toward your brother.

You are being extremely selfish but I can't really blame you, you're still a total dickhead but that is a huge responsibilty to force on someone so I understand. Make sure to tell your parents so they can plan on who will care for your brother once they die, just because you don't want to take care of him doesn't mean you should completely abandon him put him in a home of sorts.

I say...what everyone else said. LOL. To be honest if I were you I'd just find SOMEPLACE or SOMEONE that would take care of him. But then again I'm a huge ignorant bitch and shit.

Ok you know what it is obviously normal that you don't want to take care of him. But if you don't, in my mind you are a coward and a failure at life. I myself have an autistic brother and when my parents die, I am going to take control, but not because I want to. Because its the right thing to do. You have to think about your brother and way he feels. He's not some sort of alien, he is an actual PERSON. And the fact that you can openly say that he is a person you will grow to not care about, is crazy.

I can assure you, if you were your brother, you would be sad of the burden you put on your family. But never in a million years would you think that your own flesh and blood won't take care of you. And if you posted this online so people can hold your hand and tell you it's okay well then you did the right thing. The truth is, if you have any heart or sole what so ever, then you need to pull it out, grab it by the balls and say "this is it. I'm going to live my life happily and take good care of my autistic brother because he needs me to. And because my parents who brought me into this world would want me to."

You and I and a small number of other people were chosen to have a huge responsibility to take care of an autistic brother/sister. Don't blow it simply because you don't want to. This is bigger than you or me. This is what will define your legacy as a person and human being. You should not only take care of him because its the right thing, but because it's the only thing that will make you a memorable person.

I hope touched you in some way shape or form, because really I'm not trying to bash on you or anything. I just think that this is an Opportunity to do something special, and you aren't going down the right road.

I think selfishness is a pretty normal response here. If I was in that situation (and this is coming from someone who is on the spectrum) I would put him in a home. From what you have described I doubt I would even want to see them again, given how much pain your brother has caused you all. Not saying you shouldn't see him, just that I wouldn't.

Fuck religion or any other justifications your relatives have for thinking you should throw your life away just to look after someone like this. You aren't qualified for looking after him anyway by the sounds of it, he needs specialised full on care.

I think selfishness is often a good thing, in this case you would be foolish not to be selfish. Build your life and achieve your goals.

Yes it's normal is long you make sure be is in a safe place being taken care safely and having a good life. Visit him sometimes, but you don't need to impair your life by taking care of your disabled brother.

Taking care of someone you hate just because it's family leads to the most sour situations. Just don't act abusive and everything is nice

I think it's fine. I have an autistic older brother as well. Used to be violent too, but not too much. Just some hair pulling, some hits, scratches here and there when he had a meltdown. Now he's 18 and taking it out on himself by hitting his own head. Kind of figured out where he's coming from, and that he chose not to be born that way. My parents are divorced. Dad is an asshole. Mom's wonderful. Didn't know what to do after she died either. In my opinion, you should do whatever you like, it's your own life anyway. But probably check on him once or twice to make sure he's alive and well. As a sister, i'm planning on living with him. He's not that bad, and i'm not sure i'm going to marry a guy anyway. Lol sorry for rambling

Get your parents to sign your brother up for a waiver/cap slot.and to buy a huge amount of life insurance to leave to you......get a house set it up as autism proof I stall cameras to monitor things....a waiver will pay for staff to care for your brother....you just oversee everything....make sure he isn't being abusc...getting to dr etc....but staff cares for him....you sign up for waivers at your local health dept or disabilities place....overseeing...its the least you could do.....geez!

I really just can't label you as selfish at all. He's not your child. You had NO say and NO control over his being created. It sounds like you have had NO say and NO control over how he is being raised. Meanwhile, your parents who have had ALL of the control and ALL of the say in how your brother would be raised have made the choice to raise a large, selfish, childish abuser. The very fact that your autistic brother CHOOSES to hit anyone who is smaller than him seems indicative of a self-preservational choice to 1) abuse people 2) only abuse the people that are too small to kick his butt. Lots of autistic people are highly intelligent. They know that they better not kick, hit, scream, bite someone who will go loco on them, so they abuse the people who have to put up with it, like siblings and peers at school.
My mother has made the same choices with my younger brother. He is violent, spoiled and abusive. He is at his worst when he is with her. But he manages to control himself quite a bit when he's with me. It's not mystery. I'm 25 years his senior and I've been whipping his butt like he was one of my own kids since he was 4 years old. My house is the ******ONLY***** place where he acts like a semi-reasonable human being. He bites teaches, punches classmates, scratches and scrapes at the faces of therapists. He can't talk, can't sign,--nothing. I have had calm talks, warm talks, heated arguments and screaming matches with my mother about her need to find my brother an outlet to speak. I offered to pay for a sign language instructor. No go. Now I just feel like my mother is going to continue to smoke herself to death and I will get stuck with this trainwreck of a human being. The father is the provost of a university in Oklahoma, and he does NOTHING but send a state-mandated check in support of my brother. I've got 5 kids myself, including one who is autistic. However, my autistic child averages a 3.0-3.5 grade point average, is totally self-managed and very teachable. Wanna guess who made sure of that? Mama did. We give way too many excuses and wild, free reign to autistic children, infantalizing them and telling ourselves that they just can't do any better. That's a lie and a half. And I just am sick to my stomach that I will eventually inherent the defective result of two other peoples fornicative screw.

and make him a part of your family because one day, your loved ones may not have enough room for you in their lives.

you "no longer care about him?" what the fuck kind of person are you? even though I agree it's very hard to take care of an autistic sibling because I have one myself, I would NEVER speak about him that way. and reading the rest of these comments from you people are making me sick. you sound like total assholes. instead of talking down about the situation, find him the best care available.

Yes it is OK to not care about him he is the probably the most annoying person on the planet the best thing you could for you your younger brother and your older brother is put him in a group home but make sure u check the staff some of them seem like real fuck heads who don't do anything right. I know a person who works in this line of work and has to deal with co workers who are fuck heads so just make sure the staff is hard working and your brother will be in great hands I think and just for the Record I'm in a similar situation so I know your pain and suffering please get someone else to take care of him for the only bit of your brain that still cares about people. PS its to late for me you and your brother still have hope somewhat.

Even as an autistic person, I agree with you. He is not your responsibility and you have your own life.

Its too bad that group homes can be hard to find though, at least in America they are.

Anyway sometimes life just gives you shitty options.

I do realize we can be difficult to live with. I'm very high functioning but destroy everywhere I go. Former roommates have compared living with me to living with Beavis and Butthead.

Just make sure he get's in a good group home, or even better find him some services that teach him to be more independent.

I have a brother who is younger by about 2 years. Me being a female, he is a little bigger than me and he will continue to grow also. He has anger management issues and this will continue to get worse. Sometimes i imagaine what the future will be like , like for example if i had my own place and he just showed up with no place to go. Knowing his issues and past hes had i would never let him live with me. Now trying to imagine what it must be like in your situation.. which would be 50 times worse i totally understand where your coming from. The burden of someone who just so happens to share the same bloodlines as you does not seem enough excuse to just"take them in". Not only would he drag you down, he would be a danger to you and anyone he comes in contact by the sounds of it. It would be better for him too, to send him to a center. Not to sound completely cold either but you have a right to be selfish. You'll add more to society than he will anyways. Do what you want.

Send him too somrwhere he cb get tge help he beeda

I understand that you might wanna continue your life the way you had always planned/hoped. But this sounds kinda sad. I mean, don't make your brother out to be some kind of burden. He didn't ask to be autistic. It just happened that way.

Talk to your parents about it. Tell them exactly how you feel about it, but I'm sure you can find some kind of way to take care of your brother and live your life too. I think you should definitely consider what BurnaBaby27 said. But also think how your brother might feel about it/take to it.