Iin: anxiety: lifetime sense of impending doom? can anyone else relate
my entire life has been one giant anxiety attack. it started when i was 3 and i didn't want to leave my home at all. i couldn't be in restaurants or cars too long, i would just cry and shake and want to run to the exit.
from ages 8-13 i didn't ever want to leave my town. i was comfortable at my small elementary school though with 7 of my closest friends.
at 14 years old my anxiety became detrimental. i had grown 7 inches tall one summer and i became very thin and awkward looking. i got picked on, beat up, laughed at, you name it all the time. i had major panic attacks weekly. i had a fear of vomiting, so i would have panic attacks from that too. any time i felt sick i had to go home. and i would skip school.
in high school my anxiety leveled out. i had a best friend along with a big group of friends. i went to parties. i never talked at such parties due to social anxiety. they never invited me back after the first year.
and then i met my girlfriend when i was 16. she then became my only friend throughout high school. i had no anxiety during this time. it was rare. i still date her to this day.
college came, and oh man, anxiety hit me like a train. i became depersonalized. i forgot who i was, i had a mental breakdown in my campus dorm. for the next 8 months i didnt know who my hands belonged to. my world felt like a movie, every thought i had was morbid. i was 100% convinced i was going to end up in a nuthouse or DIE. i had to have hour long talks with my mom just to function the next day. i would cry because i thought my life was actually over.
i am now a junior in college, and my thoughts now are extremely morbid. life scares me, i only see the bad. I only see death, sadness, being in a dream state, being drugged, endless work, evil people, dumb people. MY SENSE OF HAPPINESS HAS VANISHED.
2 years later and my anxiety, severe depression, depersonalization have vanished. i now live an emotionless, empty life. my dreams are crushed into pieces. i have no hope left for me at all.
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at the moment of typing this, i have this strong feeling that i am going to die in a car accident this year. and i am like already preparing for it. but not consciously, i'm doing it subconsciously. and i'm just afraid my girlfriend will die too. in my life, i appear happy. when im with my girlfriend, im the happiest man on earth. but it almost feels not real. like the past 5 years with her has just been a dream. when i am alone, i feel so upset. i am graduating college in 2 semesters and that scares me too. im not mentally equip ed for the real world. i just want to feel happy again like i used to. i had these strong feelings throughout k-12 that i would end up big, strong, healthy, happy. i mean i became what i wanted to, but i experience it so differently. its so grey. im rambling now. you probably haven't read this far.
CAN ANYONE RELATE? if so, how do you push through?