Is it normal for a shared religion to be hurting your relationship?

40% Normal
14 Comments

Me and my ex are separated and want to work things out via couples counseling. One of the issues we have is religion but in this instance we share the same religion. When we were together we attended church regularly (although I would feel some annoyance that he would always go number 2 and leave me sitting there most of the service by myself). He has been a Christian all of his life and I have become one within the past 3 years. I feel as though he's always trying to preach to me even though we seem to be on the same page on Sundays. He recently told me that if him giving me the word is making me mad that's something I have to seek out with God. But the thing is I don't have a problem with the word of God. I enjoy reading it and hearing about it in church. I see it in my everyday life and make those connections. But I feel when he tells me something it has a hint of condescension and that he's judging my relationship with God since I'm newer to Christianity. I've always held more liberal views than him and he seems to be constantly trying to tell me what's right and what's wrong and I'm just more concerned about being happy (obviously while following a moral compass). Also sometimes I just want to talk to someone as my partner in life and not as a preacher. I can't relate to the way he tells me things and I almost feel as if he's shoving it down my throat. In my opinion we all have our demons and we need to deal with them ourselves and through God, but sometimes it just helps to sort out feelings/thoughts when you talk to someone. I've told him a million ways countless times but he still doesn't get it. He also at first agreed to go to therapy with me and we wanted to also go to a church based couples help as well. Now he says therapy isn't necessary and is going against God. If he won't make small sacrifices for me I know I won't be able to make it work but the relationship is valuable to me and want to make it work. I'm just wondering if this is normal? I know when your beliefs are different its a deal breaker but maybe our practice of the religion is too different?

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40% Normal
Based on 10 votes (4 yes)
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Comments ( 14 )
  • TrustMeImLying
    7 years ago

    Different beliefs aren't always a dealbreaker, actually. Have you never known a couple with different beliefs yet were happy together? There are even super religious folks out there who don't get their spiritual fix by scrutinizing others, and others who don't even show you the 'right way' unless you ask them yourself.

    So I don't think this has much to do with how devoted/practicing one is, but rather level of maturity. Maybe he's a good partner but an awful preacher/teacher. You need to figure out if you can live with that, because convictions almost always lead to stubbornness

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    • TolstoyDaydream
      7 years ago

      Most of the people I know don't have lasting relationships and most are still interested in swiping on Tinder or whatever apps are out there lol But I have met people who can let things go and just appreciate people in the moment.

      I think that's a good way to look at it. I feel there's a sense of maturity lacking on their side. Mostly because they don't hear the things I'm saying and won't put down convictions for a second to see things a different way. But who knows?

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  • mysistersshadow
    7 years ago

    Sounds like its time to move on.

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    • TolstoyDaydream
      7 years ago

      Maybe. I'm contemplating the next step but I can't say I haven't thought about it.

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      • mysistersshadow
        7 years ago

        You need to weigh the value of all aspects and come to your own conclusion. Someone can have 10 wonderful qualities and still have 1 that's a deal breaker it just depends on whats important to you.

        If your religion is a cornerstone of your life I'm sure you can find someone else that shares all of those values and isn't acting like this guy. Don't churches have something like singles groups? (I honestly don't know I was raised by atheists and have little interest in religion)

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        • RoseIsabella
          7 years ago

          I think you made an excellent point about deal breakers! For instance I could have met a man who shared my faith, moral, values, ethics and gave me the impression of shared emotional, intellectual and spiritual intimacy, but if he were the least bit controlling and or was a non animal lover I'd have to tell him to hit the road of course. I figure it's better to be alone than to settle.

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          • TolstoyDaydream
            7 years ago

            Yes, I understand what you're saying. Unfortunately, he's not available to work on things with me right now so we're in a limbo right now. I'm not waiting for him per se but I am still invested in resolving things and gaining closure/perspective. Religion isn't a big deal breaker what upsets me most is the emotional side of things. He doesn't outwardly say that I'm not faithful enough or what have you its more of a feeling I have when we converse.

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  • RoseIsabella
    7 years ago

    Why is this relationship valuable to you?

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    • TolstoyDaydream
      7 years ago

      I feel like its soul mate level compatibility and understanding. They understand my value and worth and encourage me to chase my dreams and give me all the support I need to do it. I haven't met anyone else I've connected with like that. We have tons in common and agree on most things - values, work ethic, raising our child, etc.

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      • RoseIsabella
        7 years ago

        To be completely honest he sounds like a domineering Bible thumper type to me. I'm a little curious as to what type of relationship you've had with your father, because what you described about your ex doesn't sound very encouraging or supportive. If you want to follow your dreams seek your strength and encouragement from God and your own self not a preachy, condescending guy who refuses to go to therapy, and has stupid delusions about how God may or may not feel about therapy. I personally think this man in full of pride and his own ego. No offense but, if it were me I certainly wouldn't want to raise or even have children with such a person.

        You said ya'll have tons in common so I'm curious as to what some of these things are.

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        • TolstoyDaydream
          7 years ago

          He does come from a more conservative upbringing. I raised myself basically and am more open-minded and accepting of different backgrounds. I think something shifted in him to a degree though after we had a child. He was still conservative when I met him but he was more adventurous and didn't sweat things like that so much. I don't really rely on him for strength/encouragement but I am surrounded by unreliable family/friends and he's probably the closest person to me in my life. He does think it's great that I am reaching some closure and sorting through my feelings and blocks in therapy but he personally doesn't want to go. He's gone back and forth though so it might still be something he might do. I do agree that he is full of pride and ego and I also sense he has a narcissistic personality disorder. He's a good dad though despite our baggage.

          We want the same things out of life and we respect each other's goals and career hustle. We have a very deep trust (we don't go through the lame little why were you talking to her stuff) even though our jobs put us in compromising situations. We have the same ideas about how a home should be run, how to care for our child, what we need to support each other, personal space. I've never felt so connected with someone in my life and I know that's rare which is why I'm willing to work on it. There's been a lot of good things we've done for each other. One thing I appreciate is that no matter how bad we argue he fights to come back and have a level headed conversation about what happened and tries to make peace. He knows my worth and I appreciate that. He can't handle my anxiety/depression 100% of the time but for the most part he helps me through it.

          I'll probably love him forever but I just need to figure out if we can either sort through our disagreeable stuff or if I need to put my happiness/comfort first (because the mood swings are extreme) and move on without him or at a distance or something.

          The religious stuff really bugs me the most when I'm sad or upset and just want to talk to him like a husband instead of feeling that I'm on a pew.

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          • RoseIsabella
            7 years ago

            Hmm... well, God has given you free will so you can make your own decision. I know I couldn't put up with any of that stuff myself. I'm a Roman Catholic/Christian so I don't have patience for the majority of Fundamentalists and their judgemental attitudes towards others, especially Catholics. It's just a sore spot for me, because of people like that whom I've met in the course of my life. I honestly would prefer the company of non-Christians and Atheists over most Fundamentalists for the above reasons. In any case I can't tell you what to do in your relationship, but I'd like to encourage you to put yourself and your children first as much as possible. I guess I'd have to say good for you as far as continuing to go to therapy! Keep up the good work regarding therapy.

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            • TolstoyDaydream
              7 years ago

              Yes, I definitely understand what you mean. I've been a spiritual person my whole life, but it was more in the regards to karma/universal consequences. I just recently became a Christian but I come from a Catholic family. I did use to go to church as a teenager but it was more of a social activity to me. I was always honest about my position in regards to religion so I received a lot of judgment/"intervention". It's my personal experience that forcing people into your values doesn't work because everyone needs to find their own place with God and all we really can do is show other people kindness and understanding with where they are in life. We don't know everyone's story or personal struggles so it does no good to assume. I'm finding therapy to be really helpful in understanding myself and how/why I interact with certain people. I'm learning to put myself first more and am always definitely considering the welfare of our child. Thank you for your support. :)

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