Is it normal he likes to strangle me during sex?

- 'he likes to strangle me during sex'
- 'he is getting sexual pleasure out of hurting me'
- 'he is also very jealous and possessive'

This relationship sounds like it's on the way to being a train wreck down the tracks a way.

It's called CONSENT.

You haven't consented to him choking / strangling you.

Call me old fashioned but who the fuck chokes someone they claim to be in love with?

It's not love. You are his possession.

Also, this was saddening to read. I hope that you for your own safety currently stop doing any sexual things with your boyfriend and discuss things with him until both of you are on the same page.

Personally, I would be vary of him, not because he's into choking and rough sex, but because from your point of view, he didn't communicate any of this to you and thus exposed you to danger.

Not to mention,you said that he is very jealous and possessive...

I don't think being dominant in bed is a warning sign for anything. However, it would be a very clear warning sign if you communicated the fact that you disliked it and he did it anyways.

Erotic asphyxiation can be dangerous, but it doesn't sound like he's taking it to an extreme where you would have to be worried for your safety.

To me, it sounds like you aren't communicating with your boyfriend. Is there any reason why you don't feel as if you can talk to him?

I don't think it's very fair to make judgement calls about his psychological health when you have no idea why he's doing what he's doing. Fuck...he might not even be into it at all, and he might be assuming that you're into it and be putting on a show. It's not fair for you to make conclusions without talking to him. It's not his fault for continuing to do more of the same if you haven't spoken up about disliking it, or any of your concerns.

In any relationship involving this type of sex that plays with the idea or force and dominance, communication is so so so so key. You have to be able to tell someone if they are going to far, and you have to be able to trust one another.

I think the problem here is that you haven't raised your voice and communicated your concerns. You can't blame him for thinking that everything is fine. your inability to just talk to your boyfriend my be indicative of some other relationship problems that have nothing to do with sex.

I bet he was picked on a lot in HS.

People like you have issues, just like he has issues. It must be something subconscious that leads people like both of you to get together.

OP, for the love of God, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE educate yourself on BDSM.

Your first mistake was that you didn't communicate with him. Did you even talk about sex at all?

NUMBER ONE rule of BDSM is that you ALWAYS communicate with your partner, AT ALL TIMES.

If you do not communicate effectively with your partner about these things, things are gonna get real bad real quick.

Second rule are SAFEWORDS. Safewords are important. They are your safety button when things are going wrong and you do not feel like doing something anymore. Both you and your partner can use them if they do not wish to be playing anymore. Safewords can consist of a random word (like 'banana') or you can use a stoplight system like "RED (stop) / YELLOW (maybe/let's negotiate) / GREEN (yes! yes! yes!)" If you are gagged, you use a gesture instead, which can be throwing an object on the ground or tapping your partner three times.

Third rule of BDSM- AFTERCARE. Aftercare serves both of you and this is a time when you reconcile and reassure eachother how you still love one another, you cuddle and talk. Do whatever it makes you feel okay again. BDSM can get really fucking intense sometimes and you just need to be made to feel like a human again.

Fourth- be aware of your kinks and limits. You do not have to engage in anything you don't want to, or if it's against your limits.

With that said, BDSM is strictly based on 'SSC' which means "Safe, Sane and Consensual" and RACK which is "Risk Aware Concensual Kink". RACK means that all of the participants are fully aware of any and all risks (including how likely and serious that risk is) and have given their consent anyway.

That is why communicating with your partner is IMPORTANT.

Here are some resources for you to read up on because you need to be aware of the situation you are putting yourself in and so that you can make the right call for yourself when things do indeed get dangerous for whatever reason.

1) BDSM Faq: <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/bdsmfaq/" rel="nofollow">https://www.reddit.com/r/bdsmfaq/</a>
2) BDSM Educational Booklist: <a href="http://soj.org/bdsm-educational-book-list" rel="nofollow">http://soj.org/bdsm-educational-book-list</a>
3) BDSM 101 by Laci Green: <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lqNEAMLjC2Q" rel="nofollow">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lqNEAMLjC2Q</a>

And here's a community to get in touch with reasonable kink folks: <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMcommunity/" rel="nofollow">https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMcommunity/</a>

Love my ass! This sounds like a nightmare to me! NO ONE'S pleasure is ever worth my pain! Fuck that codependent bullshit. He's hurting you, and he's jealous, and as the other respondents have already pointed out he hasn't asked for your consent. Why on earth would you want to make a selfish douchebag like that happy? Jealousy is more a sign of insecurity than anything else.

If it were me I'd lace up my ASICS, and start running.

some women really like to be choked. My ex made me choke her, and doing so made her orgasm powerfully. Perhaps he just thinks all women are like that due to his prior experiences

Okay, OP. I just made this account to reply to you.

First thing's first, for the love of god, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE read about BDSM and educate yourself about it before you dive right in.

This is very important because it saves you and your partner from trouble.

I'll briefly answer your question before jumping onto the main thing:

> "I really want to understand his needs - why does he like being in control so much? Why does hurting me or feeling as if he can hurt me excite him? is this normal?"

Some people are simply like that, they want to be in control/be dominant and sometimes even inflict pain on others. It can be due to an event or trauma, but not always. Sometimes people are just wired that way where they get turned on by random shit and no one knows why.

> "However, the mentality of it frightens me a bit - I read a psychology article a few months ago that said this is a massive warning sign if a guy wants to or tries to do this."

I don't even know how to properly answer this one, but I think that @CountessDouche is spot on about it. You can't judge his mental health/behavior when you don't know why he is doing it. Simply it could be because he likes it. Or it could be because it's something he's seen in porn. It could be a million things!

Like, I love to be spanked and used and enjoy the idea of rough sex as well- does that mean I'm somehow fucked up? Probably, but most likely not. I just know what gets me off. And I'll indulge in it in a safe consensual and communicated manner.

Just because X tells you something, does it mean it's true?

NOW, onto your issue...

Your first mistake was not communicating with him at all. That is NUMBER ONE rule of BDSM. You do NOT engage in any activity without communicating with your partner first.

You also have to keep your communication tab open AT ALL TIMES. Because you never know when things can go wrong. And they can go very wrong if you're not careful!

Second- establish a SAFEWORD. Safewords are a MUST. It is both for the sub and the dom and it is used to step out of a scene or act when they are not feeling well etc. Safewords can be anything, from random words (like 'banana') to simple things like "red / yellow / green" system where red is "STOP", yellow is "slow down/let's negotiate" and green is "YES".

Third. AFTERCARE. Aftercare serves both of you again. It's mostly for the sub, but I'm sure a dom will appreciate it too. This is a period where after your scene, you reconcile with your partner and you cuddle and do things together that makes you feel 'okay'/'normal' again. It's where you reassure each other and can be also used to talk about what you liked and didn't like and what can be improved etc.

Fourth, be aware of your kinks and your limits. Do not engage into something that is a hard limit for you. That is why communication is important.

BDSM is strictly formed on "SSC" which stands for "Safe, Sane and Consensual". There are kinks (like choking) that are dangerous or risky and that is why the term "RACK" (Risk Aware Consensual Kink) exists. 'RACK' means that all of the participants are fully aware of any and all risks (including how likely and serious that risk is) and have given their consent anyway.

This is why, again, communication IS IMPORTANT.

These are like the basics of BDSM. And here's a list of few resources that's gonna help you out, please check them out for your own safety and wellbeing, ESPECIALLY if things do turn bad with your partner and he turns out to be some sort of manipulative bad guy for all I know.

1) BDSM FAQ: https://www.reddit.com/r/bdsmfaq
2) BDSM Educational Booklist: http://soj.org/bdsm-educational-book-list
3) BDSM 101 by Laci Green: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lqNEAMLjC2Q

Also, here's a community where you can talk about these things: https://www.reddit.com/r/bdsmcommunity