Is it normal i have realized i have bpd

71% Normal
15 Comments

I am diagnosed with autism but my person is very shifty. I keep changing my opinions, what I like, what I want, what I look like. I've ever since was little had 1 favorite person and not cared about anyone else and gotten really upset if that person spends time with other people.

I am so scared of abandonment. If someone criticizes me I feel they are triggering me and that they might leave me so I attack them. I also cut people off easily and without communication because then it wouldnt be revenge. I tend to feel bad later, so bad that I get depressed.

I am very good at reading people. I am not blunt unless someone disrespects me in which case I attack their insecurities. I am good at picking up on peoples insecurities. I understand unspoken messages/cues but often I pretend not to.

I am sexually averse because I dont show vunerability. It is too risky I might get abandoned. However I do date for attention. I attract unstable men as those will give me the most intense experience. I cant feel 'normal' emotions, it's either I love or I hate someone. Through the short time I can get a guy like that to stick around thinking I will get more imtimate things are very intense. Often those men are not truthful and I am good at catching people in lies, that means a lot of confrontation. Confrontation makes me feel good because I get to be myself when I get to unleash. In the moment I feel satisfied by the drama. When it ends I hate the guy in question, then it shifts and I miss him and get depressed and into a state of numbness and out of boredom sometimes I hit the guy up again with the impression I have changed so he will get emotionally invested again and if he questions me when he sees I havent I get angry. I cant handle this.

I dont think my autism diagnosis is incorrect. I think it is what holds me back from doing worse things because it gives me a stronger moral compass. It's like a war inside me - my chaotic, dark side and my side who's into order and rules and structure and doing the right thing...

I'm not sure what to do with this knowledge that I have BPD. I definietely need help because actually I feel bad about my toxic behaviours. I dont know if I can change but I hope so. I just feel ashamed to admit I might have BPD. I have bad associations with BPD, so does my family... But I cant deny a lot of traits are relatable.

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71% Normal
Based on 7 votes (5 yes)
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Comments ( 15 )
  • ThatGayBitch
    2 years ago

    If you aren't going to therapy you should try it. Maybe they can help you somehow. I wish you the best in life and hope you can find peace. If you ever need anything hmu.

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  • LornaMae
    2 years ago

    So, here's the thing... I won't write about how I am because, apart from the autism and being sexually averse, you pretty much summed up pretty well what life was like for me for years on end. What really changed my life was finding the right medication - a mood stabilizer and an antidepressant have given me a whole new way of experiencing life. It's not to say I don't get sad or angry anymore, but the THE WORLD IS GONNA END, MY LIFE IS OVER feels are gone. I don't see reason to be ashamed of it. It's no different than any other condition for which you have to take medication to keep under control.

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  • Grunewald
    2 years ago

    I'm with you, lovely. I have BPD traits too, and they get strong, and then they recede, and now that I've had another (suspected) romantic disappointment - because as always, only time will tell whether we've truly been abandoned or not or whether we're just imagining it - they're coming on strong again. It's so tiring, living, isn't it sometimes? The world is more than we perceive, and so are the things we and other people can be. Treat your mind like a child. Care for it, be compassionate towards it, but for the love of God and everyone else in heaven and on earth, don't believe everything it tells you. What you are seeing when you feel the anxiety rise in you, might not be there. Get used to that level of mistrust.

    I am sorry; I've had a drink and am blathering on. You take care. We'll get through this one way or another. A therapist and a psychiatrist can really help - I say that from experience.

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    • LornaMae
      2 years ago

      In my time zone that'd be day drinking 🍸 lol

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      • Grunewald
        2 years ago

        Haha this is afterwork.

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  • [Old Memory]
    2 years ago

    if you go to a doctor, just know that bpd is highly stigmatized and some of them might give you the run around. they do this because people with bpd have a habit of getting enmeshed with their doctors, stalking them, and encouraging their doctors to fuck them. some places can only take in so many people w/ bpd because their insurance will only cover a doctor treating so many of them at once. it's gonna be an uphill battle, not just because you can't just pop a pill for bpd, but because it's hard to find someone who actually wants to treat you (medical professionals hate you guys,tbh)

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    • Grunewald
      2 years ago

      Wow. Sounds like something from a horror movie 😬. Irrespective of how unhelpful some of my church leaders were at times and how vehemently my family opposed my faith, I still maintain that what saved me from going down that path when I was still young, was finding God. Looking back on those days, I can see what could have been the seeds of the scenario you describe, nowhere_nohow. It makes me shudder.

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  • RoseIsabella
    2 years ago

    Maybe you have more than one diagnosis?

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  • Tommythecaty
    2 years ago

    I don’t personally see a lot of bi polar in that.

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    • LornaMae
      2 years ago

      I don't think they meant bipolar. I replied thinking it was about borderline personality disorder... if it isn't then I take my comment back haha

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      • Tommythecaty
        2 years ago

        Oh yeah I mistook that. A few people on here use bpd to mean bi polar in posts so I assumed that’s what they were on about. Not used to users using terminology correctly to be honest.

        Yeah, seems very borderline like.

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      • Anonymous Post Author
        2 years ago

        Yes borderline sorry if I got it wrong with bpd

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        • LornaMae
          2 years ago

          No, you got it right, he's the one who's mistaken.

          Now you take care of yourself, okay? Don't let this consume you cause it will! Also I encourage you to try and get outside professional help, it's not something easy to deal with on your own. :)

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    • RoseIsabella
      2 years ago

      I think OP meant Borderline personality disorder.

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  • [Old Memory]
    2 years ago

    Antipsychotics for mood instability.

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