Is it normal i wish i was more stupid

I am on the autism spectrum and sometimes I wish that was more obvious. It is obvious but not on the outside and I am too self aware about my issues and difficulties which makes me depressed. If I wasn't self aware I wouldnt be depressed.
I envy those autistic people who are lower on the scale of intelligence. They do not mask and they do not seem to experience shame about themselves, they dont lie to seem more appealing to people in order to blend in and get liked because they arent self aware enough to understand that you are supposed to be a certain way socially.
I wish I wasnt into fashion and stuff because it makes me too concerned with those shallow things.
I also am never myself because of how self aware I am.
I mirror people to an extent and I say what I think I should say to people in order to appeal to them and seem normal.
It makes me seem fake when it inevitably goes to shit and I can no longer keep a facade which happens the more we talk.
And people only judge each other based on looks.
If you look normal and dress cool and all that then people expect you to be a certain way. When you are nothing like what you look like people get disappointed and confused because based on how you style yourself you attract certain types of people and they expect you to be like them.
If I was stupid, didnt understand fashion trends, didnt understands social norms what so ever then I would be happier. I wouldnt constantly hate myself for saying the wrong thing and for not picking up on social cues on time etc. And people would take my difficulties more seriously.
Now people only think im rude because I talk very little which they assume is a choice because I am self involved.
And they assume when I answer short to questions I am also rude but it's because I dont really know how you're supposed to talk. I have been told that apparently answering a question and then not saying anything more is rude? But I dont see it that way because the point of a question is to get an answer, no? And I answered, so... Stuff like that.
So then I panic inside after i've answered because I know I didnt do it right, but I have no clue what i'm supposed to say now. And I never know if I can ask the other person stuff and what I can ask that doesnt overstep boundries which I do not want to do so I am quiet instead. Sometimes in school when I was a kid i'd try to socialize with my classmates after being forced by my mother. I'd ask them stuff like "what are you doing now?" because I didnt know what else you can say for example and then they got annoyed with me and called me stupid because I already knew what we were doing next. And then they'd laugh at me. And yes I knew but I was just trying to make conversation... And the few times I did succeed they'd physically applaud me and go "omg you can talk, good job!! you should do that more!!" which didnt sit right with me and felt insulting. So I stopped doing it! :(