Is it normal that i'm addicted to sadness?

21% Normal
11 Comments

I know there are similar posts out there, but I've read them all and still feel the need to make my own.

When I was about 5 years old I'd get into fights with everyone at school. I also remember liking witches and liking to take pictures with a sad face and my hair over my eyes. But then when I was 10-14 I was a pretty cheery person, wanting to be a Hollywood star or some shit.

Then I started reading Edgar Allan Poe and the like and I started cutting myself (don't remember exactly how/why). At this point there was this super emo hurt/comfort Harry Potter fanfic that I read about fifty times and I thought it was great, a relationship in which one person is crippingly depressed and cries all the time and the other person takes care of them was the perfect fairy tale relationship in my mind.

Then that shit got to the point where I was sort of dating a guy I really liked and I'd start fights with him because I got off on doing that and crying and cutting afterwards. I also enjoyed realising what I was doing was fucked up and being all angsty because I was such a monster (and listening to Animal I Have Become).

At one point something happened to that guy which made him really anxious and desperate and I told him I had enjoyed it. Later I said I just liked being able to comfort him afterwards, which was true, but I liked it to the point where I'd actually wish something bad happened to him again just so I could comfort him.

Eventually he got fed up and stopped talking to me. I cried literally for days, I was suicidal. And I liked it. He was the Lily to my Snape, how romantic.

Even now, as I type, I'm crying because being this way has kind of ruined my life, but it's a vicious circle I can't break. Each tear I'm crying makes me feel good, then I feel bad for feeling good and cry some more, and so on.

I don't know what the fuck to do. I can't even completely convince myself that I need to change, because I kind of enjoy angstying over enjoying being angsty.

TL;DR: I get off on being sad, and that's ruined my life, but I can't convince myself to change because I enjoy being sad about enjoying being sad.

Voting Results
21% Normal
Based on 19 votes (4 yes)
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Comments ( 11 )
  • RoseIsabella
    7 years ago

    Go get some professional help.

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  • HiAGAIN10
    7 years ago

    You let sad stuff influence you too long to the point that you think its acceptable. Look at joyful things that you feel content with for awhile and you'll slowly find that happiness is better.

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  • mysistersshadow
    7 years ago

    I'm only happy when it rains.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      7 years ago

      Exactly, that's the soundtrack of my life.

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      • mysistersshadow
        7 years ago

        Life is about choices be careful the ones you make.

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        • Anonymous Post Author
          7 years ago

          I didn't choose to be this way, though. I'm in fact trying to choose to not be this way.

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          • mysistersshadow
            7 years ago

            Of course you did. Many ppl don't like to own there choices. Even when all the options suck or are difficult or potentially lead to a negative outcome we still make a choice. Even choosing not to decide is a choice.

            Heres example of what I mean hopefully it will help.

            I have a friend I work with that was getting divorce. He told his then wife that he was to begin dating. She flipped out. Said she couldn't live with him anymore. They had continued living together to save money. So she moved out and blamed him for her not have money. She saw her action as have no choice but she did. She choose to move becos stay was uncomfortable for her. And then complain about the result of that choice. She didn't see her action as choice but of course it was.

            I don't know your circumstance but you make choice all the time. I am truly sorry your unhappy but the answer is to make different choice. Hope this helps.

            Maybe you can share detail of your life and we can help more. Either way good luck.

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            • Anonymous Post Author
              7 years ago

              "make different choice" - Jesus, you're such a genius of psychology.

              When I said I didn't choose it I meant it was a behaviour I learned subconsciously through the course of my life since I was very young, so it's ingrained in me in a way that it would probably take a lot of therapy to change. It's not simply "this is bad, I'll stop doing it".

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  • xfg23
    7 years ago

    This sounds completely normal for the average female.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      7 years ago

      How on Earth does it? I've never heard of "boys hate to fight, girls think it's therapy" being taken to such an extreme. Or maybe I'm just more honest with myself, in that other people enjoy it deep down but won't consciously admit it even to themselves, so they don't have to deal with the whole "monster" thing I mentioned.

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