Is it normal that i'm terrified of gaining weight?

So earlier this year I was in a relationship with this guy who treated me really, really badly. Traumatic bonding. It didn't last long, though he broke up with me, but it was my first everything, and it shook me up a lot.

This guy literally said that I wasn't good enough for him, and that I had to change a lot for him. He tried to convince me to take some pills to loose weight, and I gave that up almost immediatly, only doing it for a few days. But I started eating much less, and obssessing over calorie counting. At first, I wasn't eating much at all, I swear there was a week in the beginning I lost almost 4 kilos.

Ever after all of that ended I ended I kept on going. I know how to do loose weight much better nowadays. I know I don't eat as much as everybody else, but I sure as hell do eat, aproximately 1450 calories a day, but I do know I'm extremely obsessive about sticking to this guideline. I try to eat no more no less, because I know it's unhealthy to starve myself excessively.

I don't mean to blame this guy for all my problems, because he sure as hell had his own. But he certainly was my trigger. In the months that followed, I've lost 12 kilos (26 pounds). I know I was never all that overweight, at my worst, before I knew him, I was 62.5 kilos (138 pounds) and am 161 cm (5foot3?). But when I was younger, kids made fun of me, so the wound was always there.

Now I weight 49 kilos (108 pounds). My friends have started to tell me I look too skinny, and I'm aware of that. I still have flab because I don't exercise that much, but I can feel the bones under my skin. I know this sounds horrible to say, but I know I was more attractive 10 extra pounds ago. I want to gain a little weight but I really dont want to at the same time.

I know it's dumb, but I can't seem to stop eating how I do. I WANT to eat more, because I've always had an appetite, but I'm so scared of loosing control... Is this normal? I feel so confused.