Is it normal that my boyfriend doesn't want me to do try pas de deux in ballet

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74 Comments

I am a first year college student who is taking ballet. I think pas de duex(male-female partnering) is absolutely beautiful and would love to try it. I told my boyfriend this and he said if i really wanted him to, he would try ballet, because he doesn't want me "pas de deuxing" with anyone else. I get why he might be uncomfortable with the idea, because obviously it involves a lot of physical contact, but its not like its inappropriate contact- it is done in a studio with other dancers and the dance instructor. I just think it's unreasonable for him to suggest that i cant do it because he doesn't want me dancing with other guys. It isn't club dancing, for crying out loud. It's ballet, which i love. is it normal for him to tell me I shouldn't do it? comments would be much appreciated. Thanks!

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44% Normal
Based on 43 votes (19 yes)
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Comments ( 74 )
  • Mando
    11 years ago

    Ha! Maybe he thinks"pas de deuxing" is the one before "ménage à trois!!!"

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    • Mando
      11 years ago

      PS - this must give you fresh insight into your bf's character.

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  • Terence_the_viking
    11 years ago

    Maybe he is worried because ballet is a very emotional kind of dance no?

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  • VioletTrees
    11 years ago

    I think that's inappropriately possessive of him.

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    • [Old Memory]
      11 years ago

      Possession is nine tenths of the law. If you love someone, you must have some possessive feelings, if not, you are an inhuman monster.

      Everyone who ever says "he/she can't be possessive" seems to be someone with no relationship experience. There's obviously a limit, but without any possessive traits the relationship will suffer. I know for a fact that many women want a man who will fight for her, idolise her and, in part, own her. Without possessive feelings these things won't happen, being a pussy and letting everything slide is not an indicator of "maturity" only weakness. And most women hate weakness. That's why nice guys finish last, women (atleast on a subconscious level) tend to go for a man who owns possession, dominance, confidence and intellect. The alpha.

      The same goes the other way around, when my girlfriend is possessive of me I find it very flattering. Makes you feel wanted and needed. Possessive emotions in love are there for a good reason, just like any other.

      If they were wrong they wouldn't exist, period.

      With no sense of possession between lovers there is no true sense of connection or value. Though I seriously doubt you'll understand this (not making fun of you here), as you haven't the experience I have.

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      • taratutu
        11 years ago

        I understand where youre coming from in regards to women wanting a man who will fight for her and etc. but i for one, do not want a man to in any part, "own" me. Be with me, care about me, get jealous sometimes, fine. But I dont find possessiveness an endearing quality, because it makes me feel like property, not a person. yes, some jealousy is healthy. but not when it crosses the line into possessiveness. i mean, have you ever heard the term "possession" to be used to describe anything other than an object? I also do not want a man to idolise me, because that shows he is only seeing what he wants to see and not loving me for who i am, good parts and bad. Sure, I want him to admire me and such, but not idolise. Jealousy sometimes makes me feel wanted, but possessiveness? That just makes me feel held down and restricted from making my own choices. It also shows a lack of trust. because if you knew your girlfriend was a trustworthy person, and if you knew her character, then you should know she wouldnt do anything to threaten the relationship, therefore there would be no need to be possessive. All it shows is insecurity manifesting itself into false dominance

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        • [Old Memory]
          11 years ago

          Exactly the response I'd expect.

          You mistake the degree and context.

          I wasn't directing the statement towards everyone to ponder, only those who would find it comprehensible. It's not black and white, so it's points of observation will go over some heads.

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          • taratutu
            11 years ago

            I understand what you're trying to say but you come off a bit offensive and as if you think its okay for people to act like they own one another. If you hadn't used the term possessive so much your statement would be easier to understand because that term denotes ownership and control. Perhaps you could have been more clear in your response, and try to clarify, rather than condemn others for your ill written statement. It's unreasonable to write something that can easily be misinterpreted and then get upset at others for not understanding what you're trying to convey

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            • [Old Memory]
              11 years ago

              "I understand what you're trying to say but you come off a bit offensive and as if you think its okay for people to act like they own one another"

              The statement is not ill written, for if the author was another, I'd easily comprehend it. People just refuse to back down in fear of looking foolish, if they misunderstand the statement, then foolish they are regardless of their struggle against it. I'm not going to "dumb down" the statement to black and white just for the sake of people with the "what you see is what you get" mentality.

              If people think i'm saying that people own each other then they are idiots who cannot comprehend the statement as it was ment.

              People who can read but can't judge the context of words? A disgrace to literacy, and a danger. People like this shouldn't even be allowed to read.

              In crayon;

              OWN PEOPLE = NO

              THE FEELING OF VALUE THAT IS ATTACHED TO POSSESSION = YES

              I assume more "face saving" arguments to follow from those who still see a problem in that which so confused them before.

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        • fullhouse
          11 years ago

          I had broke up with me ex because she thought I was 'over-possesive' where I caught her sneaking out with a man I know is interested in her. She wasn't possesive about me and that used to hurt me. Turns out I wasn't 'the one' forher and she was 'fishing'.. I think being possesive is good regardless of what our films or other people say. I really doubt if you love him at all. you sound like you don't care for him much. I'd hate to be in his place.
          There is a limit to being possesive but what he's asking you is not completely insane. If you don't like him to love you to that extent find a guy who's okay with it.

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          • taratutu
            11 years ago

            sneaking out with a man is completely different than dancing in a studio.. in that case you arent being possessive at all. But it is not your right to say whether or not i care for him, and im offended that you would suggest i dont love him. I actually do very much, which is why im asking others opinions on this and not just dumping him and doing whatever the hell i want anyway..Obviously you had a bad experience and you think that all guys have to be possessive in order to keep a girl. In reality its the opposite. If you have a girl that really cares about you, and you really care about her, then there would be no need to be possessive. Jealous at times, yes, but possessive no, because you do not own one another and to act like you do doesnt show trust or security in each other. And the whole issue i have with this is that he did not ask me to do anything, he told me. If he had asked or said hey i feel this way about this etc. I would be more understanding. Just because your ex didnt love you, doesnt mean i dont love my boyfriend.

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            • fullhouse
              11 years ago

              Does he show up at your ballet and other places all the time? Does he ask you to dress the way he wants? Does he tell you what to do and what not to everytime? If answer is no, then I think you have a boyfriend that loves you in a haelthy way. May be he might have asked you in a rude way but your words like 'own me' and all suggest you might've approached the situation in wrong way.
              Why not confront him and talk with him in a healthy way. You allay his fears and I am sure he'll understand.
              I dumped my ex and when I caught them sleeping together, and she had nothing much to defend herself and denied what I saw with my eyes! hehe

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      • VioletTrees
        11 years ago

        I said "inappropriately possessive", as in "possessive to an inappropriate degree" or "too possessive", not as in "possessive, which is always a bad thing in any amount".

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      • Mando
        11 years ago

        Commitment? Yes? Connections? Yes. Compassion? Yes.

        Possession? Are you nuts?

        You don't OWN another person. That is just poppycock and no basis for a normal or mature relationship.

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        • [Old Memory]
          11 years ago

          "in part, to own her"

          You mistake the degree and context.

          I wasn't directing the statement towards everyone to ponder, only those who would find it comprehensible. It's not black and white, so it's points of observation will go over some heads.

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          • Mando
            11 years ago

            No dice. There is nothing wrong with my comprehension. And you needn't be so pompous.

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            • [Old Memory]
              11 years ago

              "You don't OWN another person."

              No comprehension. As I said, you mistake the degree and context, and then base your only argument (if that), on that mistake. You are still unaware of this, so you're as fucking dumb as you are inept.

              Black and white, this topic is not.

              Taking into account that all emotions bleed into one another for a start would be a good step, intead, this is your contribution;

              Commitment? Yes? Connections? Yes. Compassion? Yes.

              Possession? Are you nuts?

              Hence, I shall speak to your dumb ass in any way I wish.

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  • dappled
    11 years ago

    I think it's a bit unreasonable of him because you're not using ballet as a way of meeting eligible men. However, you could always go for a compromise and say you'll only dance with gay men. I don't see why you should, but if it smoothes the waters and allows you to do something you enjoy...

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    • taratutu
      11 years ago

      Smoothing the waters is okay, and i appreciate your comment, but only dancing with gay men would be unreasonable. Its not like i could join a class and then ask whos gay, and say well i can only dance with you.. and then deny dancing with anyone else. First of all because it isnt my choice who i dance with, it would be instructors. And secondly, it would seem extremely rude, And honestly, I shouldnt have to only dance with gay men in order to do something i enjoy. Either i do it, or i dont. and i think i would rather not do it than to only do it with gay guys..but again, thank you for your suggestion. just noting how ridicuolus it would sound if he were to agree i only dance with gay men.

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      • dappled
        11 years ago

        I was thinking maybe choosing a regular partner who is gay. I don't really know how ballet works, by the way. I.e. if people don't partner off, then my answer doesn't make a lot of sense.

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  • Sog
    11 years ago

    Well, your boyfriend offered to try it with you. Why not do it as a couple?

    Dancing is quite an intimate thing to do, whether it's ballet, club dancing, or whatever. It's entirely reasonable for your boyfriend to be uncomfortable and upset.

    Regardless of what your intentions are here, you're playing with fire...

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    • taratutu
      11 years ago

      He offered only because he doesnt want me to do it with anyone else, not because he likes ballet. And even if he really was genuinely willing to try, pas de deux isnt a beginner class.. honestly i'm probably not even ready to try it yet, although i would like to. I only mentioned it to him and said i would like to do it, not that i am going to any time soon. It can be intimate, but what people dont realize is that it is also an art form, much like acting. I took dance for four years in high school, changed with all the other girls, did lifts with other girls, but i don't even talk to any of those girls now. Its honestly dependent on what kind of person you are. Coming from the perspective of someone whos never danced, i can see where he might be uncomfortable. But discomfort and flat out saying "you cant do that" are two very different things. If he would be willing to discuss it with me and realize that it is ultimately my choice i would be more inclined to respect what he wants and how he feels. Not that i dont now, but i think he is going about this the wrong way.

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      • Sog
        11 years ago

        Well, regardless of who is right and who is wrong you are never going to change his mind about something like this. Even if you manage to get him to reluctantly agree that you can go, the fact that you're spending so much time with all these strange men is going to be on his mind. He's already made that clear to you. Do you really want to put him through that?

        And in all honesty, it's pretty nieve to think that as a college freshman girl this is all going to be innocent fun anyway. You're going to have to be fighting the guys off of you.

        The reality is that you're going to have to choose between him and the dancing. But you aren't married to the guy. Maybe now is just a time in your life where you need to be single so that you can experiment with new things. Maybe they'll even be a nice guy there who is into ballet as much as you are who will come to sweep you off your feet.

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      • alabamaguy123
        11 years ago

        Hey! I just wanted to answer your question. I am a Vaganova Male Ballet Dancer. I have partnered several ballerinas. I have danced with the Balshoi Ballet and Kirov Ballet. This is totally between you and your boyfriend. Pas de Deux is nothing more than dancing.

        The girl is beautiful and the guy carries her. Simple as that unless you personally add more. It can be a little sexual sometimes, but it would be very little in classical ballet because classical ballet is non-vulgar Also nothing sexual will happen because you don't like this ballet guy, you like your boyfriend.

        I personally would just dance and learn. Your boyfriend should be understanding and just let you dance because you love it and he loves you. He should trust you to be awesome and respectable and strong.

        When one dances with a partner it's nothing more than just dancing. You do the steps and then walk away and dance with someone else. Now it can be more and a really cool unique relationship but it is only on a friend-scale. I would just talk with your boyfriend and let him know you want to study ballet and he has nothing to fear because you care for him :)

        Have faith nothing is impossible.

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    • prasatko
      11 years ago

      Exactly. I totally agree with you on this.

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      • yesnomaybeso
        11 years ago

        I do not agree, I mean, really, if his boyfriend has never taken ballet he will take ages to get to the level of the OP, not to say it would be very difficult since almost everybody starts ballet when they're very young.
        I can understand that he feels jealous, but, if the OP loves ballet, he has to understand :/

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        • prasatko
          11 years ago

          And if she loves him, she has to understand him as well:)

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          • Mando
            11 years ago

            Now you are just going to silly lengths to defend the foolish BF. Allowing oneself to be bullied by emotional reasoning is not being "understanding."

            And the rub: "if she loves him," as you put it, is not love - it is emotional blackmail and an opinion that women are subordinate to childish male jealousy.

            The fact is that he couldn't have picked a worse issue to show he's a controlling ass- ballet being so utterly legitimate.

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            • prasatko
              11 years ago

              This is just your opinion and you might see everything else as foolish, that is your legitimate right.
              But you have no right to accuse me of sexism: "an opinion that women are subordinate to childish male jealousy" - by no means did I say anything along those lines. Why do you suppose that I interpret this case as men / women issue? I mean, if a woman asked me if it is OK that her boyfriend wants to dance in the same way as the OP with other women, I would say the same: no, it is not OK, and your jealousy is justified.
              We have different opinions on jealousy and emotions and it is OK, your opinion is yours and we can at least agree to disagree BUT please do not misinterpret my comments in terms of sexism. I think that men and women have the same right to jealousy and other emotions, as I said my response would be the same if the genders were the other way round, so no, my opinion has nothing to do with sexism (women being subordinate etc...).
              Thank you for your time and understanding. No need to dramatize the argument with silly words like "childish male jealousy", "foolish", "blackmail", "controlling ass"....

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          • taratutu
            11 years ago

            Yes, i should try to understand him, but that does not mean i have to cave to every whim of his emotions. Because love honestly is not just about emotions.. In fact its doing the right thing in spite of emotions. Of course in a relationship there has to be consideration given to emotions, especially in romantic relationships, but they alone do not dictate the course of the relationship or what happens during it. There has to be balance and communication, not just one person "understanding" the other.

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            • Sog
              11 years ago

              There's an old saying that goes, "You can't win at relationships". The meaning is that compromise is more important than who is actually "right" or "wrong".

              Even if conventional wisdom says that you are "right" and your boyfriend is being unreasonable here, you don't actually gain anything by proving him "wrong". That's not how relationships work. You need to accept the fact that the dancing upsets him and find a solution, whether that's not dancing, finding some other activity that you can do together, or just flat out leaving him.

              You seem to be starting with the mentality of, "how can I win the argument so that I get to have both dancing and my boyfriend?" A healthier mentality would be, "what can my boyfriend and I do so that we are both happy?"

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  • 1000yrVampireKing
    11 years ago

    Yes this is very normal. If you are with another man you will be spending a lot of time practicing, and dancing and communicating with him. You are going to have to be close to him on regular bases. This tends to be a fantasy they like to do in a lot of dance movies as well. So it might possibly end in you falling for another man or so your boyfriend may be thinking. Also the other man might end up liking you even if you dont like him back. Yes it is a sport and you might only see it as that. However others might not see it that way either. People who do not do sports may believe it as something more but the athletes in it see it strictly as a sport no matter the factors. I have not danced and am not in dancing. I have been in sports though.

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  • alabamaguy123
    11 years ago

    Hey! I just wanted to answer your question. I am a Vaganova Male Ballet Dancer. This is totally between you and your boyfriend. Pas de Deux is nothing more than dancing. The girl is beautiful and the guy carries her. It can be a little sexual sometimes, but it would be very little because you don't like this ballet guy you like your boyfriend.

    I would just dance and learn. Your boyfriend should be understanding and just let you dance because you love it. When one dances with a partner it's nothing more than just dancing. It's a unique relationship but it is only on a friendscale.

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  • DavidS.
    11 years ago

    if he doesnt have the savoire faire or the je ne sais quoi to appreciate the tres chic and aching beauty of the pas de deux then he doesnt deserve you and is a knuckle dragging caveman ...plus does he not realize most of those male ballet dancers are queens...seriously what real man would do a plie and traipsy around on their toes...puleeeze...in spandex, tights and leg warmers no less

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  • prasatko
    11 years ago

    His feelings are very understandable to me. You may consider his worries irrational or illogical but feelings are out of the realm of logic.

    You might not be interested in other guys and physical contact during dancing might be purely a part of ballet for you, but for him the idea that other men are touching your body, watching your body and watching your body moving in certain ways might be really distressing.

    It is the area where bodies plus physical contact plus emotions (I mean emotions resulting from art, music and dancing) which might cause him certain degree of distress. And let´s be honest, the combination of physical contact, body movements and emotions inspired by art can be pretty explosive in certain cases and these cases may be something that he is reasonably worried about even if it might be absurd from your perspective.

    The decision what to do in cases like yours where there is a strong conflict of interests is not an easy one and it is probably connected with the hierarchy of your priorities in your life (e.g. ballet versus relationship with him in which he would feel secure and comfortable).

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    • VioletTrees
      11 years ago

      "…for him the idea that other men are touching your body, watching your body and watching your body moving in certain ways might be really distressing." I guess she just shouldn't go outside, then?

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      • Naamah
        11 years ago

        As far as I understand prasatko´s comment - he isn´t telling her what she should or shouldn´t do - just explaining how the OP´s boyfriend might feel which can help the OP to understand her bf´s feelings and decide what to do. Prasatko admits that the decision what to do in similar cases may not be an easy one for many people which doesn´t seem to me as forcing a decision upon her.

        As for your analogy, it seems quite inaccurate to me - I mean, I am a woman and when I go out no men touch me nor are they so close to me as during dancing.

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        • Mando
          11 years ago

          Understanding feelings is one thing - being manipulated by irrational and unreasonable emotion, as in this case, is another. He is the one with the ridiculous problem. Methinks this boyfriend is showing quite an unattractive flaw to his character and may not be much of an issue soon.

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          • prasatko
            11 years ago

            It is highly subjective to decide about emotions whether they are unreasonable or not. Moreover, even irrational emotions can be valuable and we all are sometimes guided by irrational emotions. Some of them prove unjustified, other may prove justified in the long run.
            The same goes for the question whether his character feature is a flaw or not. For example, I perceive my girlfriend´s "possessiveness" as a highly attractive feature. But I admit that I might be in a small minority of people when it comes to this.
            And you might be right that the OP´s boyfriend may not be much of an issue soon - she might find a new boyfriend among her ballet dancers soon. Maybe he will be more secure. Or more naive. Or both. (just joking:)

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        • VioletTrees
          11 years ago

          The problem is that they prasatko's comment heavily implies that if she does pas de deux anyway, that means that she cares more about ballet than her boyfriend's comfort. It completely disregards her boyfriend's responsibility for his feelings and actions.

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          • Naamah
            11 years ago

            Yes, prasatko's comment heavily implies that if she does pas de deux anyway, that means that she cares more about ballet than her boyfriend's comfort - and he is right.

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      • prasatko
        11 years ago

        You must be a very interesting person if men outside on an ordinary day watch your body moving in "ballet-like" ways and if you let them touch your body....
        Nevermind, I guess your comment should be taken as a joke or otherwise it reveals that you did not understand my sentences correctly within the context in which they were written.

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        • OswaldCobblepot
          11 years ago

          She's quite the interesting person.

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        • VioletTrees
          11 years ago

          I'm saying that the OP can't stop men from sexualising her and looking at her body by not doing ballet. The only way to stop that is by not going out in public ever. As for the touching part, it's not her boyfriend's business what kind of non-sexual, non-romantic physical contact she has with other people. Ballet is not sexual.

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          • Naamah
            11 years ago

            It may be true that the OP can't stop men from sexualising her and looking at her body but I still find it different when she interacts with them and is regularly in close physical contact with them.
            If you think that "it's not her boyfriend's business what kind of non-sexual, non-romantic physical contact she has with other people", I guess you would agree that it is not your bussiness when it comes to your partner´s non-sexual, non-romantic physical contact with other women. Well, we may be different but I wouldn´t feel very good in such a relationship.

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          • prasatko
            11 years ago

            I guess there are different levels or degrees of being sexualised. Some of them are avoidable, others are not.
            Ballet or dancing can be sexual in certain ways, not "sexual" in the meaning "sexual activity" but in the meaning "evoking sexual thoughts and feelings", of course there are people for whom nothing is sexual...
            If it is not her boyfriend´s business what kind of physical contact she has with other people, then it is definitely not your business to decide about what is and what is not his business:)

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            • VioletTrees
              11 years ago

              The OP specifically asked us to comment on that, though, which kind of makes it our business if we want it to be.

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            • Naamah
              11 years ago

              "Ballet or dancing can be sexual in certain ways, not "sexual" in the meaning "sexual activity" but in the meaning "evoking sexual thoughts and feelings", of course there are people for whom nothing is sexual..."
              - well said :)

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