Is it normal to be angry in this situation?

79% Normal

I'm a university student and I'm pretty popular in school, so I have this huge group of friends who all eat dinner together. One day my friend, we'll call him Andy, was quietly watching me for a bit and then went "Ya know... You'd be really cute if you weren't black. I'd totally date you if that were the case".
I was honestly taken aback at first and looked at him for a few seconds to give him some time to backtrack. Andy decides to go "What? It's just my opinion. I'm allowed to have preferences."
So I, regrettably, tore into him verbally. I didn't yell or anything, but I said some pretty below the belt things (I'd totally date you if you didn't have a 1.0 average or that shitty dye job or that extra thirty pounds you think nobody noticed, ect). Now he doesn't really talk to anyone in our group anymore and it seems like he has a hard time making friends. I feel terrible, but I just want him to apologize. I completely understand that I'm not everyone's type. That comment just brushed me as overwhelmingly disrespectful, especially since I have a boyfriend and have n e v e r expressed interest in him. Even if he thought it, why would he say it out loud? Is it normal to be angry about this or did I overreact?

Voting Results

79% Normal

Based on 43 votes (34 yes)

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Comments ( 30 )

Boojum

5 years ago | pl

Interesting comments from others.

I wonder how they'd respond if race wasn't an issue, and Andy had said to you, "Ya know... You'd be really cute if you didn't have such an enormous nose and you had blond hair and bigger tits. I'd totally date you if that were the case."

Perhaps they're crass enough to think that would be totally acceptable too. Maybe I'm just an old fuddy-duddy, but I think you just shouldn't say crap like that to people. It's unnecessary, it's demeaning, and it says far more about the person making the comment than it does about the person who has been judged.

It sounds to me like the skin colour of people is very important to Andy, and I suppose most people would say that makes him a racist. He's definitely someone with very poor social skills and a lack of awareness.

Only a total dweeb tells a woman that if she looked different - in other words, "better" - he would be happy to bless her by putting his penis in her vagina (I assume Andy was using "date" euphemistically). People think this stuff all the time, but anyone with a modicum of empathy, tact and basic human decency doesn't fucking say it.

I understand your reaction, but I think it's not very positive for you to dwell on this incident and to hope he'll apologise, since I very much doubt if he thinks he has anything to apologise for.

It happened. You now know that Andy is a jerk. It's not like you were crushing on him, so you've been left emotionally devastated that someone who you thought was wonderful turned out to be an ass. He's just some guy you got to know, who turned out to be the sort of person you don't want to spend time with. That will happen over and over in your life, so accept that and find something more positive and useful to think about.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  5 years ago
  
  That makes sense. I just feel terrible. I don't really regret what I did at all, but we did bond because I helped him deal with being bisexual but coming from a religious family. We hung out quite a bit. I don't think anyone deserves to be completely alone though, but he's in college with no supporting family or friends. I don't want a negative influence in my life but I want him to have a someone.
  I'm a bleeding heart fool though. I just escaped an abusive friendship and don't intend on entering another.
  
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  - Boojum
    
    5 years ago
    
    Your concern for Andy is laudable, but his happiness is really not your responsibility.
    
    You say you don't regret responding as you did, but I wonder if that's actually the case. "Nice girls" always do their best to keep everyone happy, and they always accept the judgement of guys. A nice girl would have smiled sweetly in response to Andy's comment, and made some sort of joke out of it. You tried to make him understand how his comment made you feel by responding in kind, and that's contrary to messages about how you should behave that you've been getting from all sorts of sources from the time you were an infant.
    
    People learn lots of things in university, and the most important lessons don't take place in a classroom, lecture hall or seminar. That incident was a potential learning experience for Andy, but like all lessons, he has to be willing to accept what's said and internalise it in order to benefit from it.
    
    From what you say about Andy, it sounds like he's struggling with a lot of issues, but nobody gave you the job of healing the world or sorting out Andy's life for him. If he truly values your friendship, he'll find the courage to talk to you again.
    
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RoseIsabella

5 years ago

You're friend is an idiot! I hate it when someone random idiot says, "I'd be into you if..." I mean WTF, not only is it rude, if feel like the person who says such things flatters himself.

I would have been tempted to say, "you're not my type", or "don't flatter yourself". I hate it when people give unsolicited opinions.

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[Old Memory]

5 years ago

Of course it was normal to be pissed. That's was incredibly obnoxious.

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LornaMae

5 years ago

Andy is an asshole. Serves him right that no one talks to him!

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hungDaddy

5 years ago

Sis, you underreacted. He would've been out the door if I were in your position, so I REALLY commend your kindness.

But no, don't feel bad. Just because someone isn't be overtly racist doesn't make it any better, on top of already just insulting you. He can go do that somewhere else. Enjoy the great friends and boyfriend that you have and forget about that clown.

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- aparesarah
  
  5 years ago
  
  YAS TO ALL OF THIS
  
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- IrishPotato
  
  5 years ago
  
  GURLFRIEEEEND
  
  DAMN LATISHA
  
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IamaPleb

5 years ago

All ima say is that therr is a time and a place for opinions. HE chose the wring time.

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kolosus33

5 years ago

it REALLY shouldnt matter to ANYONE what race you are. its one of the worst things i personally think someone can do. love is love and love shouldnt be granted or denied by something like someones race.

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aparesarah

5 years ago

I'm sorry, but to me that's absolutely cruel. You are just fine, and it sounds like you're just a good person who wants to fix things, but HE NEEDS TO APOLOGIZE. That's another case of subtle racism that people are gonna dismiss as a "preference issue." No. Dating/liking you for your skin color shouldn't be a problem. You're still YOU. I just can't fathom his way of thinking. I'm so sorry he said that, and I truly hope he apologizes. I know it might be hard, but he dug his own hole, you know? Just keep being you.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  5 years ago
  
  Thank you. I think especially seeing the type of people in the comments that ran to his defense, I've decided that I'm comfortable where I am now. Friends shouldn't rate your appearances, and he's only upset that I returned the insult.
  
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- IrishPotato
  
  5 years ago
  
  Oh I'm sorry, did I miss the part where relationships stopped requiring attraction? You're incredibly stuck up and bigoted.
  
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  - sillygirl77
    
    5 years ago
    
    She wasn't trying to have a romantic relationship with him
    
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  - Anonymous Post Author
    
    5 years ago
    
    You did miss the part where friendships don't require physical attraction and that I'm not attracted to him in the first place, but good try.
    
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  - aparesarah
    
    5 years ago
    
    You're probably a cis white male. Fapping to pictures of giraffes in your mom's basement. Goodbye.
    
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IrishPotato

5 years ago

Dude, I don't know what is wrong with you or the damn commenters but what he said was perfectly fucking fine. It has nothing to do with racism, I myself can't be attracted to black people either and that's perfectly fine.

You people always label every single fucking thing as racism and I'm done with it. Maybe he doesn't like black, but so what? It's called a fucking preference.

And yes you guys did hit a nerve. The fact that you people think this guy to be absolutely shunned by a group and got totally torn into is beyond me. He expressed a preference, he essentially complimented your personality and you treated him like shit for it.

Poor Andy. I feel bad for him.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  5 years ago
  
  I have no problem with his opinions or preferences. I'm not attracted to white men, and despite the fact that I feel that way I would never tell a friend such because they're not a romantic prospect to begin with (especially if they're in a relationship). There's no reason to. There are plenty of ways to compliment my personality. Tell me I'm a great friend or flat out say "you're cool". This is the equivalent of going "I'd fuck you if you had big tits" to someone in a committed relationship already and being surprised when they're angry or appalled.
  
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- lmaowhatdoiknowboutusernames
  
  5 years ago
  
  Couldn't agree more.
  I see that it was a bit of an awkward way to formulate it. But wtf is that a reason to treat him like that and for everyone to exclude him.
  It's basically a compliment for your personality.
  And why the fuck would he be friends with you if he were racist. Not being attracted to people from a different culture is a preference nothing more. You wouldn't call someone with a kink for asian people racist, would you?
  
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  - Anonymous Post Author
    
    5 years ago
    
    Nobody excluded him, I assure you. He left.
    Please don't compliment anybody's personality by confessing you'd be attracted to them if only they got braces or something. That's pretty offensive, especially since that person doesn't want you romantically to begin with.
    Everybody has preferences. I repeat, white men are unattractive to me. However, when white men approach me I don't tell them that I'd think about it if they were black or whatever. I simply say that they're not my type and move on. I would never tell a platonic friend with a significant other how they'd be so cute if only they were apart of a different race.
    
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    - lmaowhatdoiknowboutusernames
      
      5 years ago
      
      You excluded him you blind idiot. Or how would you feel about the comments that you made about him if you were in his position? You said yourself that you are popular at your school or whatever. So do you think he is not going to take that to heart?
      Noboody excluded him my ass.
      It's people like you, that get so easily offended over something like that, that are the reason that some people get cast out just for saying something that may have sounded differently than it was meant just once.
      One little mistake, one false thing said in front of the wrong person and you're hated by everyone.
      Wow, what a great society we live in.
      
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      - Anonymous Post Author
        
        5 years ago
        
        I wouldn't be in that position. I don't obnoxiously judge people on their romantic validity with me when they're friends to begin with.
        You're also ignoring the possibility of apologies. I've said rude obnoxious things before, everyone has, but when that happens it is your responsibility to apologize. Let them know that you didn't intend to mean it in that way, explain the message you meant to give, agree not to say things like that again in the future, move on. He had two chances to apologize and we all would have laughed it off. It would be over.
        Thank you for your comment, though. It gave me a lot of insight on how he's probably feeling. However, it's emotionally stunted reasoning and I don't want people like that in my life.
        
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        lmaowhatdoiknowboutusernames
        
        5 years ago
        
        Yeah your comment also gave me an inside into what a hypocrititcal and arrogant piece of shit you are, thanks a lot.
        I mean it tells a lot about how insecure you are about your own opinions that you have to come here and seek acknowledgement from others. Just so you don't have to feel bad about yourself.
        The day I lash out at a friend like you did for saying something a little insensitive I really hope that person didn't like me from the start.
        What a way to treat a friend.
        
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  - sillygirl77
    
    5 years ago
    
    He was giving a backhanded compliment at best. He could have just said you have a nice personality
    
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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  5 years ago
  
  Additionally, how is it any different? He wouldn't date me because I'm black. I wouldn't date him because of his horrid grades and the the audacity to judge my appearances when he himself is a fairly unattractive guy who I would never be romantically interested in to begin with. Preferences.
  
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  - IrishPotato
    
    5 years ago
    
    You're coming across as extremely arrogant and obnoxious.
    
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bigbudchonga

5 years ago

You know, I think you did over react, he's obviously made a faux pas, but it seems pretty innocuous, I know women have blown up over a lot less so he was silly to say it. On the other hand though you did blow up too much and it's sad that he's struggling to make friends. If you really want to make it up then I recommend actually really trying to get him some friends/bring him back into the group.

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IrishPotato

5 years ago

No u

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Are You Normal?

Is it normal to be angry in this situation?