Is it normal to be annoyed when people use "can" for "must"

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15 Comments

This generally doesn't happen now that I'm an adult, but I remember as a kid many adults including my parents would say "you can" to mean "you must" or "you have to". Why? Why not speak clearly, especially to children who are still developing the ability to understand when people aren't being literal? Can=/=Must, so if you are trying to give a command use "must". You will only confuse the child and once the child realizes what you really mean you will just come off as condescending as though you expect it to feel better just because you used the word "can".
"Can" gives permission(OK technically that word is "may" but it's used so often I have no problem with that one) or describes ability. Using "can" to give commands is ridiculous when there are plenty of other words to use that would actually be correct. As a parent I will say "now you must..." never "you can" unless I am just giving permission rather than commanding.

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41% Normal
Based on 69 votes (28 yes)
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Comments ( 15 )
  • MrDraper
    11 years ago

    You CAN be kidding me.

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  • disthing
    11 years ago

    What's more annoying is when people say "do you want to" instead of "would you please"...

    "Do you want to open that window behind you?" Girl says with a smile
    "You mean, could I please open that window behind me... Stupid bitch" I say with a smile.

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  • Justsomejerk
    11 years ago

    It is difficult. I try not to use any sarcasm which is so easy for me.

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  • Its_Called_Love
    11 years ago

    I took a parenting class and this is one of the first things they teach.

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  • Couman
    11 years ago

    I've never really noticed this. Perhaps it's a regional thing? Anyway it does sound annoying though.

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  • Its_Called_Love
    11 years ago

    Your parents said you "can" so you'd grow up and learn from those decisions.
    "May I stay out late?"
    "You can, but you have a test tomorrow."
    See they were teaching you that YOUR decisions have consequences. And if YOU chose wrong, then it makes sense that they would correct you. Its not a difficult concept, I seriously don't understand how you didn't catch on sooner...

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    • Geldsmaggen
      11 years ago

      I'm not talking about my teenage years. This mostly happened when I was a little kid, and it was orders, no options so they shouldn't have used the word "can". It is grammatically incorrect.

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      • Its_Called_Love
        11 years ago

        It was an example. Do you think children shouldn't have good judgement? With kids you HAVE to start young just to teach them common sense, which they will need when they become teenagers and adults. Do you think a teenager is more likely to learn or a child?

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        • Geldsmaggen
          11 years ago

          It doesn't fit the flow of "you can, but you have a test tomorrow". I'm not talking about that sort of usage.

          I'm talking more like "well now you can...blah blah blah some sort of punishment" when clearly it wasn't an option but a command. If you command something speak it as a command.

          On a side note, I do think children should learn good judgement. I also think parents who aren't direct with their children are leaving it to much up to chance. I want my kids to learn the right lessons, not leave it up to their wild imaginations and interpretations, so I will use direct language to teach my kids common sense. They could grow up awfully confused about the world.

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  • Emma27
    11 years ago

    Yes, it is normal. I find incorrect use of words annoying too although I do sometimes make mistakes, it still annoys me.

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  • ㅤㅤㅤ
    11 years ago

    I don't find it annoying. Sure it'd be nice if people spoke with some class once in a while but to find it annoying is too extreme for me.

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  • wigsplitz
    11 years ago

    The only times I use 'can' is if there's a choice between 2 ill-conceived ideas that won't hurt anyone but themselves (and I'm not helping them out of the situation). Of course, I always emphasize the consequences (lightly, not overbearing). They come around, or I let them earn from experience if it's nothing too serious.

    Otherwise, what I say goes. Definitely a MUST. You have to let kids make some mistakes to know why the parents are adamant about saying MUST....or 'no options'.

    I raise my kids to be responsible and think, and of course they always will get wild, spontaneous ides and not know the consequences, but I trust them. And if they prove me worng, then lesson learned, and things improve.

    Too stern fosters rebellion. Trust and loyalty comes from birth and onward. YOu have to be willing to let them go and make their own decisions, and thier own mistakes, and most important, clean up after themselves. They'll learn.

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  • TerryVie
    11 years ago

    uh, sorry, i am not a native speaker, but i still was slightly confused until you explained in the middle of your post...
    as you say yourself:

    May gives permission.
    Can describes ability.
    Must is an order.

    Thats how i learned it, and thats how i use it.
    I would neither use "Can" nor "Must" instead of "May" when "May" is the right word to use. Nor would i want my children to misuse any of those.

    From your post, i guess that goes beyond what's "common"...but hey... ^_^

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  • NeuroNeptunian
    11 years ago

    I had a Colonel in my ROTC class that always emphasized this. I understand. Gotta teach kids good communications skills at an early age!

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  • charli.m
    11 years ago

    I try to with kids, but I frequently slip up. The language I use with kids is so far removed from the language used at me when I was a child (ie stop that, no, what's wrong with you? Are you stupid? I'm not interested just do as you're told my god you're a brat, can't you just do something right for once in your life?) that I used to have to really think about phrasing things in a manner that would actually benefit the child as opposed to crushing them.

    What I'm trying to say is, we internalise modelled behaviour from a young age. We are very likely to repeat that behavoiur and language when we are older unless we are concious of doing it differently. And even then, there's the occassional slip up.

    Oh and hi Mum if you're reading this :-S

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