Is it normal to be this obsessive and paranoid over a crush

This’ll probably be a long post, but it’s something that dominated my thoughts for years, and it still crosses my mind from time to time, and I feel the need to let it out.

To put it simply, I’m currently 20 and graduated high school two years ago. As a teenager I believed in the concept of soul mates, and during that time I met a girl who I was almost certain was mine. She was like a manic pixie dream girl to me, even more so since she was the one always wanting to be around me, when most of my young life girls had been disgusted by me. But of course, it turned out she liked another guy, and throughout high school she dated multiple guys, but she was still friends with me. In fact, despite all the negative things I’ll inevitably talk about later in this post, for a time she really was a positive influence in my life, and helped keep me sane and have something to look forward to (talking to her). It’s hard to describe, but whenever I did get a chance to talk to her, I always left feeling happier for some reason. But this was about to change.

Fast forward to junior year, and we got our schedules, and I found out she shared no classes or lunch hours with me and I was devastated. In the same conversation she mentioned she was going to start driving, and for some reason it didn’t bother me at first, but later on the thought of driving started to really terrify me. For one thing, she’s somewhat short, and another, she was always energetic and childish, and she herself admitted she wasn’t very good at it. It didn’t help that my teachers never passed up a single opportunity to tell us how dangerous driving could be.

At some point I realized I really put her on a pedestal, and it made it all the worse when she said something I disagreed with or found personally insulting. I got increasingly intimidated by her. Not only could she drive but she eventually got a job, and seemed so confident and ahead of me. Of course, I have no problem with someone doing these things in general, but it just kept reminding me of how little I accomplished and just for some reason hated the fact she could do things that I couldn’t.

I’m only telling you the bare minimum of this. There’s a lot more detail but I don’t want to make this any longer than it needs to be. But like I said, even though it’s been two years since I’ve seen her and we’ve moved on with our lives, I still think about her from time to time, hoping that she’s ok, and that I can hopefully find someone with similar characteristics.

Voting Results
62% Normal
Based on 13 votes (8 yes)
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Comments ( 10 )
  • dimwitted

    You never get over your first real crush because the person now lives in a fantasy world in your head.

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    • Boojum

      That's very true, but I'd go further and say that a true crush is a fantasy from the very start: you're in love with an imaginary version of the person you've created in your head, not the reality.

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    • palehorse

      My first "real" crush was on a fictional character, so nothing really changed...

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    • RoseIsabella

      I honestly don't think I ever got over my first love. He did not start out as a crush though. Well, I'm probably over it now, but I was probably still not over it in my early twenties.

      I haven't had a crush in a long time, and I'm happy for it.

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  • Boojum

    Thinking about her "from time to time" and wishing her well is not obsession. An obsession would be you stalking her - virtually and IRL - constantly thinking about her, and imagining a future life with her.

    As I said in my reply to dimwitted, if you have a crush on someone, you're in love with a fantasy version of the person. I'd suggest that's why you found it so challenging when she said something that upset you and when she went on to do better than you. That didn't match up with the version of the girl in your head, so you experienced cognitive dissonance: your beliefs about her were in conflict with the reality that you perceived.

    The way you resolved this - by recognising that you'd put her on a pedestal and coping with her departure from your life - means that you're fundamentally psychologically healthy.

    I've known quite a few women in my 60+ years, and there isn't one of them I don't occasionally think about. That's what you do when someone who once was an important part of your life is no longer around.

    In short, stop worrying about this. What you did in high school is completely normal and what you're feeling now is normal too.

    There's nothing wrong with hoping that you can find someone who is similar to her and who hopefully feels more strongly about you than she did. I don't believe in soul mates. I think there are lots of people out there who each of us could love and be very happy with. I also believe that many people shut themselves off from positive relationships because they're looking for Mr or Miss Perfect, since that person doesn't exist.

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    • Hubbard

      Thanks, but I did think about her a lot in the past, so while I may not be obsessive now, I definitely was in the past.

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      • Boojum

        That's not abnormal either, and there's no need to beat yourself up about it. You've accepted reality, your perspective has shifted, and you've moved on.

        The main questions you need to ask yourself are whether this past relationship is affecting your life right now in a negative way, and if it's limiting what you see as possibilities for the future.

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        • Hubbard

          Good questions. I think it is to some degree. I still sometimes think of her when I feel like I may want to start driving or get a job, sometimes wondering why I took these things so seriously. But there’s a multitude of other factors in this that play a part.

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  • Abnormal_Someone

    Yeah it’s normal. When you like someone you get that at times

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  • Nikclaire

    Normal except for the part where you are afraid to drive.

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