Is it normal to be utterly terrified of hurting women in any way?

54% Normal

Be me

Raised by women.
No real male authority figures or role models.
Learn to be a gentleman because it's forced down my throat.

Here I am at 24, an all around well rounded dude except I cannot allow myself to hurt a women or really anger her.
My mom had an explosive temper, rarely hit me but she would explode like once a year and break things. Pots, pans, furniture. To be fair she was under a lot of stress though, trust me. Thing is that I've never actually witnessed a man lose thier temper to that extent. I read about it and hear about it but as a child I've only seen super angry women.

Now here's the thing, when I deal with girls I'm always afraid of getting them angry. I just don't do or say anything that may get them annoyed. If a girl bitched me out at a bar I'd be mortified. My first thought would be to make her change her mind about me, say it's okay that I said what I said, apologise. It's never happened though, doubt I'd let it happen. Thing is that I'm too passive, and one way I try not to piss off girls is to not approach them unless I'm sure they're interested in me. So I only get low self esteem girls who can't hide thier attraction well. I don't really like that honestly. Also when they get down on themselves and think I'm out of thier league... which always happens because I'm really good looking, I just console them and try to make them happy.

2 times I've ever really pissed off a girl, drunk both times. Both times, afterwards they were more or less cool with it. Like they were just pissed for a little bit. But for me, after they cried or yelled at me via text respectively I was totally broken.

Just for some context. I never cry, I don't really even care when family members die, fucked up as it is. That's unrelated but just for context. And these random girls being mad at me totally destroys me. One was sad for me having sex with her when she was drunk and asking for it, literally throwing herself at me. (I was drunk too). The other was mad because she let me carry her to a walk in closet after a make out session, which I put her down in front of and she walked into. When we started making out more with her sitting on me I felt up her tits. That's what pissed her off. She bitched me out via text later on.

These reactions destroyed me though. Like for way longer than the girls even cared about it. The firsy girl hung out wiyh me after, the second still wanted yo date me after we talked it out and agreed she sent some mixed signals. The first one made me feel like a rspist tho and the second made me feel like an animal. They both got over it way faster than I did. Doesn't make sense.

Can I get around my mental conditioning? Is it possible? Is it normal? Ladies like a guy who can be themselves and have an edge but I can't take the emotional feedback if I fuck up even minorly which sucks because sometimes that anger girls feel is what ignites thier passion.

IS THIS NORMAL?

I'VE NEVER HEARD OF ANYONE WITH THIS PROBLEM B4!

IS THIS A PERMANENT PHOBIA?

Problem is nobody's going to teach me how to be okay with pissing off women. It's not a problem most people have.

Voting Results

54% Normal

Based on 13 votes (7 yes)

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Comments ( 17 )

[Old Memory]

8 years ago

Jesus, this sounds like a younger me. Unfortunately I had a similar viewpoint of "pussy on the pedestal" and "because they have a vagina they can do no wrong". I hope I don't catch a lot of shit for saying this but women really aren't held accountable for their actions.

I would never, ever hurt a woman. Ever. Especially physically. With that being said the older I've got, I don't immediately write off a man who smacked around a woman. I don't condone, I've just realized some women really basically ask for it and encourage it. The younger, white knight me would be horrified at saying that.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  8 years ago
  
  Is this really still putting them on a pedistal? I used to think women were better than guys but I'm way past that. I can see flaws in them now, some girls I don't even like but it's not that I don't think I'm worthy or anything it's just that I don't want to make them angry. I guess women's opinions of me just matter a lot. People tend to hate guys who women hat ass well. Men can hate all sorts of people for whatever reason and people may agree or disagree but when a woman makes a character judgement people tend to believe them. It just scares me that if I piss them off, they might be able to get a bunch of people... Men and women, to see me in that same negative light. I really don't care what guys think. No one really does honestly. If Joe doesn't like me there's not many social conciquences but no one likes to see a woman hurt and I'm kind if afraid of the backlash I might get.
  
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  - [Old Memory]
    
    8 years ago
    
    Yes, this is putting them on a pedestal. I really don't understand your condition of having to make sure all women are appeased ALL the time. You do realize some women are very crazy and completely irrational right? Just like some men target prostitutes and murder them, there are very mentally ill women walking around free in the world.
    
    This cultural thinking is going to backfire very badly. No matter what your sex is you need to held accountable for your actions.
    
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    - Anonymous Post Author
      
      8 years ago
      
      I do get that. I don't necessarily try to appease all women. There are plenty of terrible ones. When I see a decent girl though I just don't want to mis step. I'm just really sensativity to female anger. I'm not sure I've ever really been that scared of other men either because I feel like I can handle myslef around them. With women though... there's no way to fight back once they get people to hate you. You can't use your fist and they'll ignore your words. I just feel like an angry woman has a lot of power because she can get so much support.
      A person I went to school with died breaking up a fight between two girls. He was 20. After he broke it up, one of the girls told her brother that he had been messing with her, the brother came down and shot him. Another friend got kicked out of college on a rape accusation, but i saw them hanging out that night. They banged then came to chill with us then went back to having sex. Totally consentual. That girl is one of the nicest girls I know too, I still don't think she really understands what she did. The first is extreme and the second I still don't have 100% all the info on because i wasnt there the whole time but it illustrates what I'm talking about. People jump to defend a woman in danger and I'm already physically imposing and a minority dealing with white girls so I'm really not trying to fuck with that.
      
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westoptic

8 years ago

OP, I'm sorry you've had such a negative female influence on your life from such a young age. What you're describing is conditioned, psychological abuse and the fact that is was perpetrated by women is why you have this residual fear of hurting them. It is a coping mechanism that you have developed as a response to your environment. Have you spoken to a psychologist about this? Society downplays the manipulation men often face from women and the damaging effects it can have on all your interactions with them.

It's hard when you crave sexual and emotional relationships with people you're terrified of hurting or offending. I think deep down you're afraid of them hurting you, because of what you've endured through out your life. I really think it would be beneficial for you to talk to a specialist. I have had nearly identical feelings towards men (I'm a woman) due to my father's treatment of my own mother when I was growing up, and those wounds run deeper than even we know.

Best of luck

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  8 years ago
  
  Wow. I was just starting to put my mom into all this. I hadn't thought that deeply about it before posting this. What's crazy though is that in a lot of ways my mom is still one of the best women or people I know. Super generous and giving, takes care of everyone it's just that everyone leaned on her too muh and every so often... like once a year she would blow up, usually because someone finally pushed her too far and kept pushing because they thought they could, but then she'd explode, always at home and only towards me like 3 times ever. Point is it never took me being nearly as angry as her to set it off. I was always way more calm comparitively and a lot of times didn't know when it was coming. It happens less now because I can tell when she's at the edge and I know how to make sure nothing I do will offend her. That leaks out to other women though.
  
  It sucks because I guess I keep thinking even really good women can just explode with crazy anger out of the blue. I guess I just see women. As... volititile and capable of starting huge Chan reactions of cociquences.
  
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  - westoptic
    
    8 years ago
    
    It's that "having to walk on eggshells" feeling you have, because of your fear of getting an explosive reaction. I think that's carried over. Some women are volatile and abusive like this, and I can understand your hesitation because of this. But a lot of women are like your mother; they take so much flack from other people and just smile and bear it and it just builds and builds until something so minuscule causes an explosion. It's not a healthy way to deal with anger, and I struggle with this sometimes myself. Women are people who are only human, and that means that they, like you, were all raised in different environments under different circumstances. This can affect how they treat men and women around them, much like you're being effected due to your upbringing.
    
    What's important is communication. You need to be open and honest with the women you're dating, tell them your feelings and why you feel like this. We aren't mind readers and often we end up confirming your fears because we didn't know they existed and weren't able to consider them. Sex with strangers/no strings attached is what I consider optimal, but even that comes with dangers of confused feelings and women and men using each other and seeing the other as a purely sexual object.
    
    Navigating these waters is definitely a difficult task.
    
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Elixis

8 years ago

you may have a problem with how you perceive women, based on how you described your motherly figures. You should seek a therapist to talk about it and understand why you have such a fear of upsetting women so you can stop it from affecting your life so much.
If nobody can help you with a problem you think no one else has, then you yourself can be the first.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  8 years ago
  
  Think you're right. This is rediculou though. If you could see how I look in person.... you would understand why. I'm not the type of guy you expect to have "mommy issues".
  
  Or shit maybe I am. Dunno, but I don't want to talk about it really. I just want to solve it. If I get it what good is a therapist gonna do. I used ones before and it was an arduous process that helped but.... it was just really needy of me. That's cool as a yonder kid I guess but I'm an adult now.
  
  I just feel like if I understand it, which you guys have helped with, I can figure it out myself.
  
  I don't wanna have relationship issues because I think every girl is going to scold me like mommy did, that's incredibly pathetic.
  
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[Old Memory]

8 years ago

I honestly appreciate a man that stands his ground and speaks his mind. Sorry to say this but you being a pushover is probably attracting the wrong type of woman anyways. You don't want someone to run you over. I get where the feelings come from though. Don't worry about their initial reaction. If you have a valid reason to say something to them or that your upset about something they did then they will respect you for sticking up for yourself. If you stay quiet for fear of anger or upsetting her she is going to continue to do whatever the hell she wants. I bet the majority of the time the reaction you get isn't anywhere near as bad as you thought it was going to be.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  8 years ago
  
  Yea that's why it's a phobia. The worst part is the stress I put myself through in my own mind. I mean... I really thought I was a rapist and didn't even trust myself around women for like half a year after that first one.
  
  The second one I was just so angry at myself.... it was just bad.
  
  It's like... the worst part is that there's this faceless woman in my head just screaming her head off at me and a bunch of imaginary people taking her side. I start like... formulating my apology in my head, it's just so rediculous.
  
  I'm so functional elsewise but with women I just... I swear sometimes I want to just be asexual. Except I still crave sex but it's extremely stressful!
  
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DancingMonkey

8 years ago

This is not normal, but find a therapist that can help and I promise things will get better. I wish you good luck

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LadyEliza

8 years ago

Wow, you're so modest.
"I'm really good looking".
You're also kind of an ass.

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- Splithead
  
  8 years ago
  
  No, I just used to be really ugly and now after years of fighting an inferiority complex and noticing how people actually treat me, I know that's the truth.
  
  I put that in so I don't get any "lster your looks answers, I like my look and a lot of others do too. That's not the problem I'm trying to deal with.
  
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rapelover

8 years ago

Sounds like you both need a c*ck in the ass

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rapelover

8 years ago

Sounds like you need a good d*ck up your butt, Izabella my dear.

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harddrystickysocks

8 years ago

Let the testicles swell big and let them pulsate with testosterone.

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Are You Normal?

Is it normal to be utterly terrified of hurting women in any way?