Is it normal to not be able to feel love because i dont feel present ever

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I havent felt comfortable being with someone since after my first relationship 7 years ago. It was very bad, he was a creep.
After him I have never felt comfortable with any man besides my male friends. I love spending time with guys because its chill.
I feel like something is wrong with me. I only feel love for men in my head when im not with them. I can miss someone and so on but then as soon as i'm with him I feel miserable. Today I went on a date with the guy im dating now and I found myself feeling dead inside. With time I tend to warm up though. When we'd been hanging out for like 2 hours I was not quiet anymore, I was talking and joking around. As soon as he kisses me or grabs my hand though I find myself forcing a smile and feel uncomfortable like im playing a part. I feel distant and like im not in my own body. When I look back I find it hard to see I was really there and on the date, its kind of blurry. Im good at saying no but sometimes I just freeze and disappear so thats why I avoid certain scenarios. Once my ex and I when we had just started dating were sitting outside in forest area and he put his hand under my shirt on my boobs. I didnt react and I dont know why. I just stared infront of me and felt far away again.

Maybe I am not attracted to men???
Or it is my anxiety. I dont know what kind of effect anxiety has on romantic relationships. I cant get intimate with someone when I dont even feel mentally or emotionally present but rather like im somewhere far away, and when im so anxious it takes me months to trust anyone. I didnt visit in any of my guy friends homes until i'd known them for 1+ year. Ive only visited 2 guys ive dated and both of them pushed my boundries really hard as soon as we were alone. I dont know why I feel so distant though. I want to feel like I am next to the person I like and I want to be able to know for sure how I feel which is really hard when I dont feel like im even part of my body. How am I supposed to feel anything when I cant even feel present within myself? I wish I knew why this happens to me.

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Comments ( 1 )
  • LloydAsher
    1 year ago

    As someone who has alexithemia (not knowing what emotion you are feeling)

    You can still feel love but it's not what you expect love is as its portrayed as.

    More like it's the guttrenching feeling of potential loss if said cared person was torn from you. I have always felt connected to my gf and I know I love her deeply. Though I cannot physically feel it, as it's hard to articulate it.

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