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I have a crush on a girl, but I am too afraid to text her, because I can only think about what may go wrong and how I might fail.
A classic way of avoiding the pain of failure is to not do anything that can result in failure. Of course, the logical conclusion of such thinking is that you never even get out of bed for fear of making a mistake at some point during the day.
It is true that the girl might tell you to fuck off if you take a shot. Crushes are about being in love with an idealised version of someone. If you're so wrapped up in an illusory image of how absolutely perfect she is, having to confront the reality of the unpleasant person she truly is could be as uncomfortable as a bucket of ice-water to your face.
She might ignore you, and knowing that she doesn't care about you even enough to respond would be a blow to your ego as well as telling you something about the sort of person she really is. Both of those things would be challenging.
But the fact is that unless you make some sort of move, there's no chance at all that you'll ever get to know her. All you'll ever have is the possibility that something could have happened between her and you, and you might find that you regret your inability to act for a long time.
First of all I appreciate your long and thoughtful answer.
What you say is totally true in every aspect.
In the past I used to chat with a stranger girl and after like 2 months we actually met in real life 2 times and talked about this and that for literally multiple hours. After we found out that we developed feelings for each other I was like overwhelmed with the situation. In the end our contact stopped and she called something like a "immature and foolish loser". That hit me fucking directly in the heart, one of the most painful texts I haver ever read.
I am generally a rather cold person not showing to much emotion and this definitely contributed to my "distanced" behaviour.
I hate the inner inner conflict of desiring to haverelationship/female friend to talk to and the fear of opening up to someone and getting emotionally crushed all over again.
"immature and foolish loser"
Ouch!
I know it's easy for me to say - and I have problems always keeping the thought in my mind myself - but you need to understand that the comment was intended to hurt, and it was nothing more significant than her opinion of you at that point in her life. For whatever reason, she felt the need to lash out at you, and she understood you well enough to know exactly where to stab in order to cause the maximum pain. You may fear that her comment contains some truth, and that could be so, but it's definitely true that her doing that says nothing positive about the person she was and possibly still is.
Clearly, there wasn't a good fit between the two of you, but that doesn't mean you're a worthless, despicable person and will so be forever. As much as you may have liked her, it's a fact that she is not an infallible goddess who was capable of looking into you soul and saw nothing there but worthless black slime. Her opinion of you was based on everything that had gone on in her life up to that point, and she is just as susceptible to misunderstanding and misjudging as any other human being.
You refer to your distanced behaviour. I think the point to bear in mind is that it is only behaviour: the persona you allow others to see when dealing with them. While it can be very difficult to alter the people we fundamentally are, we are all capable of changing our behaviour if we choose to do so. Obviously, you're not a psychopath who's incapable of feeling true emotions. So if you feel that you need to be more emotionally open and demonstrative in relationships, you can do that if you really want to.
I grew up with an emotionally-distant, very old-school father who was born in 1908 and clung to the ideal of what men and fathers were supposed to be like back when he was growing up. It wasn't until I was in my late twenties that I recognised the problems that creates in relationships, and I decided I had to open up and loosen up if I wanted my partners to be happy with me.
Since we all acquire a model of how those of our own sex are supposed to behave in relationships very early in our lives, I wouldn't be hugely surprised if your father behaved very much like how you do now. If that's so, you need to understand that you're not him, and you don't have to behave like he did.
Fear of being hurt is part of any relationship that's deeper than simple animal sex. I think the only way you can get over that fear paralysing you is to learn to appreciate yourself more. For all your human failings and weaknesses, you have value as an individual in your own right. Expecting others to constantly validate your right to exist and be loved is bound to end in pain.
I guess I do appreciate myself, but I tend to think that other people are generally harmful and could hurt me, which prevents me from actually doing something. I know this is bullshit, but it can't get out of my mind.
On top of that I am unsure how to text the girl I like. We have been together in the same class in elementary school (school year 1 to 4) and in the parallel class at the German "Gymnasium" (school year 5 to 12, somewhat similar to high school)
We both finished Gymnasium and got our final degree, that was at the end of May 2019. I haven't seen here since May. My studies will start in October 2019 and I don't know whether she will also study or maybe start an apprenticeship somewhere, maybe even in a different city.
Two options and the likely outcomes -
You don't get in touch with her, that guarantees things will go nowhere.
But say you DO text/get in touch, either she will be interested or not. Just don't be sending "private" photos. I do not know if men still do that but just stick with text and g-rated photos.
No you should just do it cos if she’s anything like me she’s probably too busy thinking about her own insurities than thinking ur a screwup and youll probably make her day (: