Is it normal we are dating and he sent me nudes

Im dating a longterm friend and he wanted to exchange nudes. I told him no. Ive never had sex, but he doesnt know that. He likely assumes I have since i've had a relationship before.

He claimed nudes can be sweet between couples and then sent me one to "prove" it. I told him that its still not my thing and he said he gets it and wouldnt ever demand that I send him anything.

I told him I am demisexual and he asked me if I feel strong enough for him to "make love to each other", then said he identifies with demisexuality too. He has in the past mentioned that so it checks out. He's always been very unfiltered about all topics but I was grossed out by the sex talk, which he has stopped and said it's something couples need to discuss but we'll take the rest "in bed" when its time when I feel ready. I'm still shaken by having witnessed his genitals and havent talked to him much since. I have a difficult relationship to sexuality which seems to be related to shame, even though ive never been taught that its shameful. I know its related to shame because part of me was curious when he sent the image but I felt so shameful I just scrolled past it quickly and went to bed with lots of anxiety and contradicting emotions.

He's only had long distance relationships so he's used to nudes and it wouldnt surprise me if his most recent gf was a camwhore. She did play him, leading him on. He always falls for toxic women and each time he says he's learned his lesson. He's socially awkward and probably easy to lead on and i'm tired of it. He deserves better.

I feel unsure of him now because nudes to me is something nasty, cold insulting so I struggle to see how loving couples could send each other those and not just be using each other for sex. Is that something couples do, exchange nudes? We have a distance between us too, does that mean we have to send each other nudes inbetween seeing each other?

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Based on 4 votes (3 yes)
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Comments ( 9 )
  • Anonnet

    Sending you the picture was definitely inappropriate, especially after you told him not to.

    However, I also think you're overreacting a lot to the picture. I'm not familiar with demi stuff, but if a single nude picture from a long-time friend fills you with shame and anxiety, you should probably talk it over.

    You don't have to send anyone nudes at all for any reason. But it's not nasty, cold, or insulting, either. It's just a picture. It's the natural human body. If you ever have sex, you're eventually going to see it, anyway. Couples have all kinds of reasons for doing it.

    Not mandatory, though, and not important. It sounds like this guy just wants to go way too fast. Either he respects your boundaries or he doesn't, and if he doesn't, don't enter a relationship with him.

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  • ospry

    If you send someone your nudes, you're sending the world your nudes. Expect them to be shared with friends and uploaded online

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    • I would never send anyone nudes. Ive been asked to before never did it.

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      • ospry

        I meant (if you were to send nudes) expect them to be shared. You're smart playing it safe like that

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  • 1234tellmethatyoulovememore

    So, I think what he did was more out of stupidity and misreading the situation than trying to do harm to do. However, that does *not* mean your feelings are invalid and he really shouldn't have sent naked photos of himself unprompted. Not okay at all.

    You do *NOT* have to send nudes. It is something couples do, but not *ALL* couples and honestly it's smarter not to, especially in case of a break up.

    If he wants to be with you, he needs to understand and respect your boundaries, especially regarding sex. You should talk to him about your discomfort around sexuality and wanting to move slower. These are conversations couples need to be able to have with each other.

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    • Yeah thats possible hes pretty socially awkward and hes never been inappropiate to me before and now we are dating so maybe he was trying to make sure we move forward I dont know but I didnt feel it was okay anyway because I told him im not into nudes.

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  • sweetone89

    Also, be very mindful of revenge porn and know it is against the law in nearly all states. I'd do a background check on him for free. Depending on which sate you live in, almost all civil and criminal court information is available for free, online.

    Do a Google search for your state's name i.e. Minnesota and Judiciary Case Search. Make sure you go to a reputable website...for example, a .gov. And you can usually search a person's court records via their name.

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    • Im not american and and everything like that is public here if someone has a criminal record. Thanks though. I have known him many years he's not a criminal.

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  • sweetone89

    1. If you ever send a nude picture (which I don't recommend), make sure your face is not visible at all. Or anything above the shoulders. If you have a prominent birth mark, scar, tattoo, also make sure those are not in the photos.

    2. If he really cared about you and you specifically told him you are not comfortable sharing nudes, he should never pressure you again. Sending you a nude of him seems like he is pressuring you.

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