Is it normal for a father to help stretch he son's foreskin?

14 Comments

This has been bugging me for multiple decades now, and is a story I have never told anyone, not even anonymously. Sadly my memory is a bit fuzzy, but here is what I can remember.

First off, a possible relevant factor here is that my dad was rather old compared to me. He was nearly 60 when I was born, so one question I have is whether this is just down to different generations.

Anyway, the story:
I don't know exactly when this occurred, but I can not have been older than 10, maybe 11. I could easily have been 9 or 8 or even younger. I'm not sure if he brought me to my room, or if he came in when I was already there. Anyhow, he sat down with me in a chair and put me on his lap. I don't remember what he was talking about, if he even did. He probably did. I feel like he might have been talking about penises and foreskin, but quite frankly, it might be that I'm just trying to rationalise it by creating a story in my head. At the time, I was way, way too young to be having talks about anything sex related like this. I had nothing to hang any of this on, which I'm sure contributes to my fuzzy memory.

What there is absolutely no doubt about is that he unzips me, grabs my penis and tries to pull the foreskin back. As I'm sure any male bodied, uncircumcised person can attest to, this can hurt and be quite unpleasant. To no surprise, I scream and make noises. He doesn't stop, or at least I don't remember him stopping immediately. I'm clearly not in control of this situation and it is extremely uncomfortable for me. At some point he gives up his little project, never to mention this ever again, at least not from what I can remember. It might be this was interrupted by my mom approaching the room, but I would hate if that were the case. No one has ever talked to me about this, and I can't remember being brought to any professionals to talk about it either.
He died a few years later, so I can't ask him about this.

So here I am, well over 20 years later, questioning what that whole thing was. Was it normal? I don't think so, but then why am I so ashamed of telling this? I tried to talk to a psychologist about this a few years back, but I don't think I was ready. I think I was afraid of him telling me this is nothing and just a normal thing. At the same time, part of me thinks that this is just me being a victim of something awful that never ever should have happened and I'm just trying my best to normalise it to not feel bad. That part of me feels assaulted and violated, and thinks that it has permanently troubled any interactions with men. I certainly don't trust them, I avoid connecting with them on a deep level and I'm not sure I can really interact with men in a sexual way even though I regard mysef as pan-sexual and can certainly be attracted to men.

I know it's hard for anyone to really judge what happened, but this wasn't normal, right? A father should never touch his son this way?

Yes, this is a bit unusual, but he was just trying to help 1
Yes, this is normal 0
No, this is not normal. This is sexual assault 5
No, this is not normal. This is inappropritate behaviour 3
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Comments ( 14 )
  • 12345678912
    2 years ago

    I think you should talk to a doctor about this. Im guessing most on here are circumsised and so don't understand. He may have been trying to help. I remember a nurse who was related to 2 brothers i know doing the same thing in their bathroom for medical reasons. There certainly was nothing wrong with her doing it. I think she was doing it at bathtime as it seemed less strange and worked better because the warm water had soffened the skin. Your father didnt have a medical background so he did it differently. If he meant any harm or was a paedo he would have done something else after.
    Please talk to a G.P. and explain everything, when it happened when you father was born etc. . A G.P. may be able to say that once apon a time this was a normal practise. Maybe it wasn't i don't know but i know what happened between the 2 boys i knew and their medically trained Aunt was not child abuse.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      2 years ago

      Thank you!
      Yeah, I should try to talk with my GP or more preferably a psychologist about this. I doubt he meant any harm, but based on other events as well, I have a hunch that he might not have been approaching this the right way. I accidentally read part of my mums diary at some point, and it indicates that he might have been emotionally abusive. At the same time, I can easily see that he's just misunderstood as well.
      ...but yeah, difficult to know when he's not around and all of that.

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  • Curiouskitten444
    2 years ago

    Even if he was trying to help it sounds like this experience fucked you up anyways as you were too young to understand and consent to what he did. So, maybe he really was trying to help, but it fucked you up non the less.

    Or maybe this wasnt the only time something like this happened and your brain is trying to protect you from more traumatic memories. If so, if youre ready now, it might be helpful to go back to therapy.
    One survivor to a possible nother, i wish you luck ❤️❤️

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      2 years ago

      Thank you! Indeed I might have memory loss here. Sadly my mum wasn't so nice to me, with known and extensive emotional and (minor) physical abuse both of myself and my sibling. As this started very early on, I could easily forget any additional abuse by my father just to protect myself. It would make perfect sense sadly. I once spoke with my sibling about the childhood, and they brought up things I've never remembered in any sessions with any psychologist. However, once they mentioned it, I also suddenly remember parts of that too...

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  • Vvaas
    2 years ago

    yeah i dunno this sounds pretty fucked up, even if he was trying to help you in some weird way it obviously wasn't the right way to go about it since it's left you feeling like this.

    you should definitely try to see a psychologist again and talk about it with them, they can help you sort out your feelings and try to move past this

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  • bigbudchonger
    2 years ago

    I think your memory is too old for this to properly come to light. There are statute of limitations in countries for a good reason, and a large part of that is that people forget what actually happened and change the memory in their head. If it happened a certain way then yes, he could have been trying to diddle you, but if he gave some preamble about stretching the penis skin, or showing you something he thought was useful, then although this is a strange way to go about it, I think he could have been genuinely trying to help you.

    The problem is, you're never going to know for sure because no doubt you've been thinking about this for a long time and your memory has been distorted.

    Off that bat I personally veer on the side of he was probably trying to help you in some crude and antiquated kind of way. It just seems like such a strange set up for a paedophile attempt.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      2 years ago

      Thank you! You make a very valid point there. There could easily be some preamble here that I don't remember now because my memory is distorted. I think I read somewhere that memories effectively are changed/distorted ever so slightly every time we think about it. We also tend to remember bad things better, so yeah, that can make sense.

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      • bigbudchonger
        2 years ago

        Glad to be of help :)

        "I think I read somewhere that memories effectively are changed/distorted ever so slightly every time we think about it". Yeah I've heard this too. I think it's true.

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  • OSCARUK
    2 years ago

    Sorry to hear that you have traumatic memories.

    I feel that with your own hazy memories and the time that has passed, very little will be achieved from worrying and wondering what and why it happened.

    It could have been abusive behaviour, personally i would have thought that any kind of stretching treatment would be handled by a medical professional.

    Considerable time has passed since the event and i would urge you to try and let the past lie, concentrate your energy on achieving good health and a healthy state of mind, yes it happened, but you could live the rest of your life without having any real answers to your questions.

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  • kelili
    2 years ago

    I think that he really wanted to help and didn't think it was inappropriate. Back in those days they did strange things that were considered very normal.
    We are asked to encourage our sons to do it because only muslims circumcise here.

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  • Somenormie
    2 years ago

    Don't know if this is a troll but I will give the OP the benefit of the doubt if this is true to what has happened to to them then that's terrible.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      2 years ago

      I wish this was trolling, but sadly it's not. Thank you for giving me the benefit of the doubt.

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  • litelander8
    2 years ago

    My sisters ex wife’s family gave infants a petrified opossums claw for teething. People do weird shit.

    Also your dad was fucking old. Old enough to be experiencing memory loss or things of that nature. Which can get super sketchy. And the fact that there’s always old fashioned medicine that could be counterproductive or literally do nothing. Like pregnant women can’t lift their hands over their heads.

    It seems like you never really knew your dad. You should talk to some other family members or try doing research on the dude.

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  • techpc
    2 years ago

    My dad never did that. Very odd, and I can't think of a reason that he would do that.

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