Is it normal for my husband to do things to me in my sleep

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21 Comments

I need everyones help. My husband and I have been together for 11 years, been married for 9 years and have a 7 year old. For the past 4 or 5 years my husband has been touching me in my sleep. He has also put hisself inside of me many times. I wake up and go off on him. He says he is sorry but he does it again. I have hit him really hard. I have slept in another room. But nothing helps.I have left him before also, he promises to change so I come back and nothing has. I have told him no I can't tell ya how many time. I was wondering is it rape ? I feel like crap. I feel like there's no point to my life anymore. The only reason why I am still alive is for my son. He is my whole world. Also what I can I do to make him stop. We can have sex and he still does it. I don't even want him touching me anymore. Can someone please help !

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31% Normal
Based on 318 votes (100 yes)
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Comments ( 21 )
  • worriedone
    13 years ago

    Thank you so much. I will try what u said. I told him this morning we r going to sit down tonight and talk and something has to be done. He agreed with me. He wants help. I am going to call around today and see what help we can get. Again thank you so much. He also said he is willing to stay somewhere else if he has to. On a good note he didn't try anything last night. I hope he is starting to see what its doing and has done to me.

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  • stealinsugars
    13 years ago

    It is rape. Your husband is the one with the problem. He needs to understand what a serious violation this is. You may have to go to extremes to make him understand that you will not tolerate this. Stay in the separate bedroom until he admits he needs help and gets it. Lock the door if necessary. If he won't attempt any type of change, you may have to just leave him. I know you said you love him, but his lack a respect is not showing that he loves you. No human being should be made to feel the way you are feeling. If your child is the only reason you're alive, you may benefit from some counseling too. That feeling alone is enough of a red flag to know something must be done. Good luck and stay strong. There is no shame in asking for help. Do what you have to do so you can enjoy your life and see what a truely wonderful and valuable person you are.

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    • Gluck
      6 years ago

      Yes listen to stealinsugars!

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  • Damagedandbroken
    7 years ago

    It's rape my husband has been doing this to me for years

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  • j_cgrim15
    11 years ago

    i don't know but I have the same problem I don't like to be touched while I am sleeping... the difference is I have been married 20 years and my husband and I don't have a good marriage and after years of this behavior I don't like to be touched at all by him ... it feels like a violation .. also I had told him this early on ...will admit every relationship is different ... I now believe it is how safe you feel with your partner ... and I don't believe I have ever felt safe with my husband

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  • missmeow
    13 years ago

    I don't see the problem. Waking up to sex and touching sounds great to me

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    • Gluck
      6 years ago

      She feels uncomfortable -- no, way worse than uncomfortable. She has told him to stop many times. This is 100% NOT okay (what her husband is doing), and OP has to realize it, and talk or leave him.

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    • erin_lee78
      9 years ago

      I know right? LOL! It's your husband. Why wouldn't you want to have sex with your husband? I am a gwm, have been with my fiancé/partner for 11.5 years and I do the same to him but mine is completely unconscious. I don't mean to do it, it just happens like sleep walking. This is usually when I haven't had sex in a while though. I've woke up with his "D" down my throat. He doesn't seem to mind too much at all unless we have to be up early but it blows my mind when I come to! I'm like, how in the hell? He has done it to me a few times too so, I woke up to him touching me, breathing on my neck, nibbling on my ears, and rubbing his "D" on my butt. I freakin' loved it! That was the best sex of my life!

      But the first response was right. You should never feel this way about yourself and it's an issue if it bothers you that bad. I know for me though, it's 100% in my sleep when I'm doing it to him. Hope this helps!

      Erin

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  • Livelifeamped
    6 years ago

    I've woken up countless times to my wife deep throating me, hell she even got me to cum without me waking up. Likewise, I've managed to put my cock in her mouth and cum all over her tits without waking her. If I'm careful enough I can get her pajama pants right off, eat her out, and even slowly and carefully get my 9 incher inside of her (with help of lube). Sometimes I'll fuck her slowly and bust inside of her without waking her, other times I'll just start pounding her hard so she wakes up and we cum together. My favorite is slowly moving her hand to my cock, she will start slowly stroking it while she sleeps and wake up to her hand covered in cum.

    Anyways, stop being so frigid.

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  • Boratsmom
    6 years ago

    I'm sorry and happy that others are experiencing what I experience. I think it's "normal" in the sense that this happens to a lot of women. I do not think it it's acceptable. I am happy to know that I am not alone, but sorry to know others are being made to feel this way. I think the biggest reason behind this behavior is selfishness. In my situation, 90% of my husband's initiating sex happens when I am asleep. If I wake up in time, I reject him. I would not be rejecting him if he approached me when I was awake for consensual sex. This has nothing to do with a fetish, rather, he is just horny and demands to get what he wants as the mood strikes him. I keep telling him how violated it makes me feel, he keeps promising to change, and of course he never does. Even when I am awake I feel like I might as well not be there. He is essentially getting himself off using my body. I feel so empty, and no matter how much I try to talk to him, he has no empathy for the situation he puts me in. And then he uses my rejection when I'm asleep to justify watching porn at 3am in the bathroom. When I explain to him that I feel like he wants anyone but me, or that I may as well be a sex doll, he acts as though I'm completely irrational. It is crushing me. And I had no idea that this behavior wasn't normal until I was talking to another man about it and his response was that he "would never rape his wife." I had talked to a woman before who got pregnant with her second child this way, so I felt like I was being overdramatic until a man made me realize that this is something that should not be happening. I don't want to be in a sexless marriage, but I can't stand being used over and over. When sex is consensual, he refuses to wait for me to be ready, which I guess is a whole other conversation, but it all seems to be a part of the same problem. The problem being, my husband does not care about what I want or need, rather he only cares about satisfying himself. This is a problem of selfishness and a lack of empathy.

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  • Helpgirl
    6 years ago

    I am going through the same thing and I have asked my husband numerous times, even through counseling to stop. I'm not ok with it, I feel violated, assaulted and I don't trust him. Either he doesn't give a shit about my feelings or he has an addiction problem. We have sex 4 times a week. I HATE how these people are saying it's your husband it's ok, you should feel complimented! NO!! We are NOT ok with it, people are different! I wish you luck! My talk is happening AGAIN tonight.

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  • Waterblossom
    6 years ago

    I have been married for thirty years. I have known my husband since elementary school. My husband started messing with me in my sleep about seven years ago. Our relationship has really gone downhill and this new thing hasn't helped at all. I now do not want to have sex with him anymore. I feel completely violated. I have my own room now. I thought the problem had stopped although there have been times I have woke up with him kneeling beside me..wierd stuff. But, he was definitely up to it again two days ago. The fact he does it is upsetting enough, but the real concern is why is he doing g this after all these years? Is he going g through a midlife crisis? Does he really want to be with someone else? Has he just lost his damn mind? And if I should wake up with him messing with me and I break his face...Will I go to jail? I feel raped. Suggestions?

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  • kelili
    11 years ago

    You should "TALK". You're making him feel ashame of his penchant

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  • Psychosocial
    13 years ago

    It could be bad if he gets you knocked up. You know you you went to bed with so it is not like some random person molesting you which would be really weird in a bad way. I do not know the answer to this. It depends on how it makes you feel! If you are comfortable then that is that, but if not that is sort of weird that he would keep doing it. Married women get raped too, and it does not make it okay just because you are married. You should have a say so even if it is permission ahead of time from you for hubby to get some action while you rest!

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  • stealinsugars
    13 years ago

    I just wanted to check back and see how things were going.

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  • 8Serene8
    13 years ago

    I dunno I guess I wouldn't have a problem if my man touched me while I was sleeping as it would wake me up and i would want to join in. I guess I just don't see the problem if you aren't disgusted by his touch.

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    • Bxdae
      6 years ago

      It has nothing to do with being disgusted by someone's touch. I found my husband so attractive for the first years of my marriage in fact, he couldn't keep up with me in the bedroom.

      You know how when you see a guy for the first time in high school and think they're attractive.... But then you meet their personality and it's ugly... So you start to see their face as ugly.

      After we had a child and him working while I stay at home, he became less and less interested in our family life. He comes home, plays video games, passes out and waits until the last second he has to leave for work. I am absolutely exhausted all the time having to do everything on my own here while he has hours of time to himself where he can relax. He doesn't even take the garbage out when I ask him. And if I ask for a break I have to prove that I need one.

      I started waking up with semen on me having no idea how it got inside of my clothes. Like it scared me, but I was literally so exhausted I'm not surprised I didn't wake up. Then I did start waking up to him touching me. I would toss and turn to get him to back off and he would for a minute and start again when he thought I was back asleep.

      The first couple times I just let it happen cause I didn't think of it as a terrible thing if he was sexually frustrated. It has turned into something way more than that. I have found searches for porn (I don't have a problem with porn.) Like "passed out drunk girl". The videos that I saw he searched was definitely rape. Like real rape. I couldn't finish the first video I saw because I felt so bad for this girl.

      It turns out it's not sexual frustration. It's become a fetish for him. And to be honest that's what disgusts me is the rape fantasy thing. When he touches me while I'm asleep he gets off fast, but when we have sex together it takes forever.

      One time I just layed limp and let him do whatever he wanted just so he could see how fucked up it was. He took off my clothes and had "sex" with me while I just layed there like I was DEAD. He didn't touch me while I was asleep for a year after that. Like, he understood how gross he was being.

      Our relationship grew stronger after he stopped. We we're almost back to normal. It didn't last forever. And if anyone was wondering I was disgusted that night with everything. It wasn't rape because I let him do it-- but it was like the closest thing. I wanted to cry the entire time just thinking like wow, my husband would do this to me if the situation presented itself.

      I hope you never have to deal with something like that of a person you find attractive and love. Especially if you've been sexually assaulted previously. When you ask someone to STOP or do things like SLEEP IN A DIFFERENT BED and they proceed with what they are doing that's a problem for both people.

      Sexual fantasies are fine when both parties are willing to please the other. Rape fantasies are different, because if the other is willing-- it's hardly like rape. I've come to believe the sleep touching is just perverted and selfish. It's also very hurtful to me emotionally that he doesn't care that I wake up in panic not knowing what the fuck is going on.

      Maybe I should've told him to stop in the loudest and most upset tone to get him to understand that's how I feel, because he doesn't take me seriously when I tell him I don't like it. I hate the fact that it has made him unattractive to me. I don't wanna do it with him anymore and I wish I did because it's only making the nights worse.

      I don't know what to do anymore and I don't know why it started, but if it doesn't stop it's gonna rip this family apart. Ive been so dedicated to this family that I just keep letting it go, but I'm starting to resent him over it. I realized this when I went on a trip to see my mom for 2 weeks and I was disappointed to come home and see him. I didn't miss him. I still love him and I think he's the most handsome guy in the world STILL. But feeling so victimized all the time takes me back into a place of my life that I can't be happy and survive in.

      Im happy that I searched this to see that other women are dealing with this too. And how they are dealing with it for that matter.

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  • worriedone
    13 years ago

    Yes we have sex. We have sex 2 to 4 times a week. This happens the nites we don't have sex. I want him touching me sometimes. After this happens I don't want him to. I love my husband that's why I need advice

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    • Problemchild21
      12 years ago

      he has a sleep fetish. Plain as that. I happen to have it to and when u sleep next to someone u really love a lot of times have a hard time controlling yourself. You need to discuss it with him and understand he isnt trying to make u feel horrible.Just that when u have a fetish like that it really REALLY hard to control

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      • Bxdae
        6 years ago

        Well if you really love that person, then you should understand how degrading and upsetting it is for her. If she asks you to stop and you can't because it's hard to control, that is plain selfishness. Women are so different than men. We are emotional. You're using her to get off, even knowing that it's upsetting to her.

        I guess if it's THAT hard for you it's just as hard for your lover to be sexually and emotionally close to you. Youre pushing her away in every way possible. You really think that a woman can find a man attractive after he does something hurtful sexually and continues to do it after she says stop??

        Im more attracted to someone who proves they love me and doesn't hurt me. I'm married to the sexiest man alive and this "sleep fetish" has gone on for so long that I literally would rather have our toddler screaming in my ear for hours than have "awake" sex with him. There's been times where I just pray that our child wakes up in the night just so I can get away.

        "REALLY hard to control"

        You're right. It's really hard to control whether you're physically attracted to someone or not. I sure wish I could control that. It would make my life a lot easier. In fact, if I still was attracted to him, I'm sure he wouldn't try to violate me in my sleep as much!

        There's no Viagra for women unfortunately.

        It doesn't matter if I sleep on the floor in the living room. He'll come out and say he wants to cuddle. The funny thing is though, as soon as I accidentally fall asleep and he's done using my body, he goes and sleeps in the nice and comfy bed. Maybe he's ashamed of what he's doing because it's so "hard to control".... But I'm the one with semen all over me on the hard floor with a couch pillow and a child's blanket.

        You could say, at least I'm not that bad... But that's how any girl feels even if she's not on the floor. She's still got semen on her (you wouldn't want to wake her up by cleaning up your mess!) And she still feels just as used. She's thinking of all the things she could say to make you understand, but they just don't come out. Besides she's probably overreacting anyways right?

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  • aussiewolf
    13 years ago

    http://declubz.com/blog/2008/09/23/rapex-is-a-rape-protection-device/

    use that and i promise you he wont do that to you again!

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