Is it normal i always feel like i want to die for this reason?
first, sorry for my bad english
i really love my family, i have mom, dad, and two younger sisters. i never live separated even once from my family.
and then when i graduated from high school last year, i really stubborn about i want to study japanese literature. my dad said if i want to study that major i have to live in other town where you don't have any relative and acquintance. but i still so stubborn and i said that i could live alone and i would be fine.
but i think i regret it now. although i have many friends and i finally study my fav subject, i still feel really lonely. in my loneliness i always thinking about how my family are doing now. i've grown up now, i'm so old (although i'm still 19) if i'm old it means my parents get older too. i don't want to see my parents gray hair, i don't want to see my parents wrinkles. how about if i meet them again my parents are already too old to work or they can't walk properly (although my dad is 43 and my mom 38) i don't want to see them like that. i don't want to see my 9 years old sister grow up. i want she always be a cute little girl. every we talk on the phone i'm afraid to hear her voice. i don't want her cute voice change into an adult voice. even my 16 years old sister said that she wants to live with me when she graduate from high school. and i said you don't have to, you have to stay with mom and dad so they won't be lonely.
i always feel like it's ok if i have to get older and older but not to my family. i want to die now so i don't have to see them get older. every night i always praying to god to kill me first before my family. even god want to kill me now. it's ok i can accept it.
is it normal or not?