Is it normal i sometimes miss being depressed

55% Normal
5 Comments

I know the title sounds bad... And it is. Just let me explain myself.

I have always been a very nervous person. When i was younger i developed some sort of OCD. Basically i thought that if i didn't do certain things or that if i didn't do them in a specific order i would die. I was scared shitless every night bc i thought i would not wake up next morning. I was terrified of the dark and sleeping (i had pretty awful nightmares too).

Then, something happened, and i became depressed.

Don't get me wrong, being depressed is one of the most painful things that has ever happened to me. Feeling absolutely numb, no energy, not having perception of time, not finding joy in anything at all. Wanting to die every single day. Intrusive thoughts, poor hygiene. Losing friends, worrying people around you, losing tons of weight. Fainting.

It was horrible.

But since i wanted to kill myself, and i wouldn't care if i did die, my OCD went away. Because if my brain told me "if u don't do this, you WILL die" i would think "i don't even fucking care, kill me"

So i would ignore it cause i didn't mind dying.

I got better, even tho i have my moments, it's not like you ever get a 100% cured from depression or trauma. There is always relapses. Healing isn't linear.

However i have regained the irrational, unbearable and consuming fear of dying.
I have had panick attacks several days because of it. It just gives me so much anxiety, i can't deal with it. My sleep schedule is messed up bc i can't sleep from anxiety, thinking about how i am gonna die and it's inevitable and stuff. It really messes me up. Like, hitting myself in the head trying to get into reality again kinda messed up.

I know depression is a serious matter. And i know lots of people are suffering from it, and i wish no one ever felt like that cause it's horrendous. I wish everyone could get the help they need.

But i sometimes feel like that.

I miss my depression.

I miss not caring.

I miss not being afraid.

I miss being kinda... dead already.

Sorry if this is disrespectful for those who are going through it right now, or those who we have lost to suicide.

But i really wanted to get it out my chest.

I miss the peace"-ish" feeling i had, not being afraid of death.

Voting Results
55% Normal
Based on 11 votes (6 yes)
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Comments ( 5 )
  • edgyqueerveganvampire
    2 years ago

    same. a couple years ago i started recovering from a decade-long depression that wasted away all my teenage years. i soon developed anxiety disorder and panic attacks: as much as it sucked, it was somewhat easier and more peaceful, in a way, not caring about anything and just waiting for death. but it wasn't real peace, it was mostly a pretense. and my family was worried for me. i knew that, and i struggled with guilt and shame every day. for so long i tried so hard to silence every trace of my will to live, without success. what eventually pushed me to change was that i hated myself so much, i didn't want to be remembered, not like that. yeah, being brought into this world may be horrible, but that's not solved by death. death just seals it forever. so i decided i wanted to change. it took time, effort, outside help and maybe some luck, but i'm in such a better place now. i have passion and energy again, not like as a kid, but even more: as an adult now i can fight for what's important to me, and that invigorates me like i never knew was possible. and the anxiety is fading too. death doesn't scare me that much anymore, even though i have a lot of things i wanna do. some i'll not be able to, but that's ok. i also barely ever have panic attacks anymore, and they're more manageable.
    good luck to you going forward. things CAN get better. still, don't rush it. be proud of the way you've come already.

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  • Grunewald
    2 years ago

    This post is so sad. I really hope you find help, relief and healing for your OCD one day, OP.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      2 years ago

      Thank you ;-; <3

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  • hauntedbysandwiches
    2 years ago

    Extremely normal for OCD! I know exactly what you mean. I also would rather be depressed sometimes than have OCD because it's like when I'm depressed it reduces to maybe 20% it's a relief. OCD is so stressful, I know exactly what you mean but wish there were another way to alleviate it.

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  • DADNSCAL
    2 years ago

    Not normal but not uncommon. After being depressed for and extended period of time, being healthy can feel new, unfamiliar. It's a new normality to which you have to adjust. Missing your illness is akin to Stockholm Syndrome in which a hostage becomes attached to his captor.

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