Is it normal my boyfriend goes soft during sex?

67% Normal
19 Comments

Sometimes my boyfriend can't stay hard during sex. It's not EVERY time we have sex, but it's happened more than a few times now... Thing is, he's only 18, so it's not as though this is "normal" going by what people say about 18 year old boys. I've never been with anyone else sexually, so I don't know if it's just something that happens to ALL men? I just don't know. But it's making me feel like... Maybe it's me. Like maybe he's not into me as much as he says he is? I know I'm not sexy or gorgeous, but he always tells me he's attracted to me, and he actually INITIATES the sex a lot of the time, so I don't know what to think! He never has trouble GETTING an erection, though, only keeping it. It's really upsetting me. :( I just don't know what to do. I don't even know what I'm expecting to happen by my posting this, but I... just don't know.

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67% Normal
Based on 304 votes (205 yes)
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Comments ( 19 )
  • TerryVie
    11 years ago

    Actually it happens to many young guys.

    One reason is their physical condition. Some light endurance sports will help if that is the case. If you don't want to approach this, ask him to start a sport with you.
    Going swimming(my choice) or running(easy and popular) once or twice a week will be fine, and it's healthy to boot.

    Another possible reason is response to stimulation. Some guys react very differently to different stimuli. e.g. some guys climax very quickly if you go on top of them and assume "control". Others need to be in charge and control the movement themselves. A nice hint to that aspect would be how quickly/easily he cums during a blowjob.

    A third factor is time. If you take a long time, it may be beyond his treeshold. That is, he may be waiting for you to orgasm. The thing is, many man, especially young, would be "ready to go" after a few minutes. If he then restrains himself for, say, 20 more minutes, the "hornyness" may turn more into a sports-type event.
    There's guys lasting quite a bit longer, of course, but most i knew had their "happy point" beyond which it became a chore to them between 5-15 minutes into the act(after actual penetration started). In that case, maybe he should spend more time on foreplay, "ready you up", so to say?

    Without more details, it's hard to guess, but i gave you what came to mind from experiences...

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    • Captain_Kegstand
      11 years ago

      I'm not even going to bother commenting. You pretty much covered every single point I was going to make!

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      • Chrisix
        6 years ago

        Hello! I'm 58. I have had issues with my erection for about 5 years now and rarely have sex. I've tried everything for ED (Ginseng, Maca, Neo40, L-Citrulline, Pycnogenol, Beetroot, Icariin, Fish oil etc). No effect! So I took magic pills. All I can say is fabulous! Took about an hour to kick in but then lovely firm erections for a number of hours. Managed a number of ejaculations which was another bonus.
        Everybody knows the pills names. My friend told me how to get them easy and fast. He gave me a secret code "ViACiA4ED" and he said 'Just Google it.' so I could get them whenever I wanted. Hope this helps.

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    • flutterhigh
      11 years ago

      Also, you'd be surprised how much gravity could come into play. I've found that guy-on-top is often more conducive to boners than girl-on-top.

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    • SheepLovingLady
      11 years ago

      He takes like 45 minutes minimum to cum from a blowjob. It's NEVER taken me that long with anyone else before. I worry it's me, though. I already have pretty low self esteem, and this just makes me feel even worse...

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      • TerryVie
        11 years ago

        Don't worry it's you.

        That sounds perfectly in-line with what was to be expected.

        Jeez, 45 minutes...i'd stop quite before that mark because my neck would hurt.

        It seems he needs to be in control and receive constant stimulation, preferrably in very specific ways.

        The first suggestion, some light sports, may well still help give his little friend a bit more "patience" before calling it quits.

        But mainly, is he going limp in positions in which he has less control? e.g. you on top? or in positions that put extra "pressure" on his friend, e.g. when you're not arching your back during doggy?

        either way, i believe YOU are perfectly fine. Low self esteem and all may make you believe otherwise, but be reasonable enough to look at the FACTS, if you want answers. And the facts(thats my and other experienced lads and gents) say that there simply ARE men like that...and that regardless of that, many young men are going limp. Angel in a Glass Dress below wrote that quite nicely :)
        I just gave reasons WHY, she explained why it never happens "officially".
        Don't you worry or let this get to you, i'm certain you are a fine lover, for example, you have more endurance/paience with giving head than me(and several others, i reckon) ^_^

        And you worry about him not being into you, when i would be thinking stuff like "Come on, for real? Another wasted weekend? I wanted that today, you moron. No, don't apologize, and PLEASE don't mention a girlfriend and blame it on her....jeez...what a fucking idiot...how do i get home fastest..."
        now who's the better person? ^_^ just believe in yourself and go find some more positives for shade's list. selling yourself below face value helps NO one. especially not you, but also not your friends or partners. If you are into that, they can still "humiliate" you in other ways that are more fun than going all emo on yourself ;)

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        • SheepLovingLady
          11 years ago

          Clearly I was in fact the problem since he broke up with me yesterday. You can imagine how high my self esteem is now. ;)

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          • TerryVie
            11 years ago

            I am really sorry to hear that -_-

            And yes, i know self esteems takes a big hit from that.

            But be assured that things not working out does not need to mean something is wrong with you.

            Obviously, you were the "problem" to him, but ASIDE from the very real possibility that the problem in fact lies with HIM, there's also a huge chance neither of you is to blame for anything.

            I know this won't help much, especially so shortly after, but once you are ready to pull yourself back on your feet, try and not let this get to you!

            You sound like a good, gentle and caring individual, and considering what you wrote here, any guy should be happy to have you as partner.

            As long as you manage to not fall into a deep emotional hole and become a unstable emotional liability.
            By all means, make sure you don't go that way.

            Do what's necessary to make yourself see that you are a great person! An overweight friend of mine once went to a swingers club alone after a breakup simply because men wanting sex with her there showed her that she WAS in fact not as ugly, unattractive and chanceless as she herself believed she was.
            Not exactly suggesting that because i KNOW everybody has different ways to cope, but what i'm actually trying to say: if there's parts of you that you doubt, it's also a great time to reinvent yourself. You think you cannot do something? You think something about you is bad? Go ahead and try. Put things to the test, and go for extremes. See how far you can push the limits.
            If you expect to fail, to be rejected, to be unable to do things, then the worst you can do is fulfill your expectations...you may have been afraid of that, but now is a time of change, and at least you can stop worrying and reorient yourself then. And let me assure you, if you try, you will most likely surprise yourself. You wanted to do sports? Go ahead and do it two or three times a week now that you have more time, don't sob on the couch, get active and you'll be surprised on your progress after 2 weeks. You think you can't cook? Go crazy with some complicated recipes you'd never consider trying if someone was to eat with you. You feel you are not attractive? See above(an important note: those clubs have a "everything can, nothing must"-policy...so you can also just visit without any real obligations)...anyway, push those limits and use this as a CHANCE once you are ready...(naturally you need some time to cope...just be sure that you don't roll over and die :P )

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            • SheepLovingLady
              11 years ago

              You really are lovely! Thank you so much for taking the time and effort to write such a reply, I really appreciate it!

              I won't roll over and die :P And I'll take what you said into account. Changing a few things sounds good right now. :)

              I'm a little upset and confused right now, but I'll be fine soon.

              Thanks again! :)

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      • shade_ilmaendu
        11 years ago

        If there is one piece of advice I can give you and hope you take it to heart, it is that your self esteem must be dependant on *you* and no one else.

        When I was in middle and high school I was the "ugly girl". Being painfully weird didn't help with that at all. After I got out of school I changed my look and ran around for a while trying to get as many people as possible to tell me how attractive I was. Boyfriends, going out to bars and places like that dressed all nice... And it didn't do shit.

        The only thing that helped me start to feel better about my appearance was the realization that I have to see it in myself if I want other people to see it in me.

        Start with maybe each day writing down 5 things you like about yourself. If there are things that you truly don't like about yourself, first evaluate if it's because of

        1. SOmething someone else said
        or 2. Something that you honestly dislike and wish to improve upon.

        Once you have determined that it is a change you want to make for you and no one else, add it to your list. But don't stop writing down the positive things, and keep the 5-1 ratio or something like that. More positives, always.

        And this is not me saying go out and change your appearance or get surgery or do anything drastic. Change your thought patterns and behavoirs and cut out bad habits, but the goal is always to be more true to yourself at the same time as finding reasons to love that self.

        ....Whew, that one was a doozie. Sorry for the novel :P

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        • SheepLovingLady
          11 years ago

          Thanks for taking the time to write the novel. :P Honestly though, I really appreciate your comment. I'll try that (although I only have three positives at the minute). Thanks!

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  • Angel_in_a_Glass_Dress
    11 years ago

    "so it's not as though this is "normal" going by what people say about 18 year old boys."

    Actually you're wrong. It happens. Men that age just don't like to admit to it because ... well it's not manly to admit your boner flags sometimes.

    As they get older they figure out "oh it's not just me" and they're more confident that going soft once in a while won't make them less of a man.

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  • sassafrassi
    11 years ago

    Is it possible he could be nervous? Nervous about performing or the possibility of getting you pregnant.

    If it takes him so long ask him what he likes. ;)

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  • Avant-Garde
    11 years ago

    Get him a cuckold (cock ring).
    That will make his erection last longer, but be careful! His blood supply could get cut off so use it safely and in moderation.

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  • thinkingaboutit
    11 years ago

    healthy 18 year olds don't suddenly lose their erections. There must be a reason. And trust, it's not you.

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  • Onyx36
    11 years ago

    Make alot of noise. I'm 36 and I like when women make me feel like I'm doing something but not too noticeable.

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  • GuessWho
    11 years ago

    I'm going with not normal.

    The only way I can get rid of a boner is to blow my load. Sometimes twice. Otherwise it'll stay hard for hours.

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  • SharP
    11 years ago

    Maybe hes just not that into sex.

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  • ygrowup
    11 years ago

    The comment before mine says it all almost!

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