Is it normal not to speak to in laws?

I understand your internal conflict, but for what it's worth, it could be worse. It sounds like you and your husband are on the same page on this issue. You'd have a serious problem if the relationship between him and his mother was a twisted, co-dependent thing where he refused to see that she was an unpleasant person and he insisted that his mother be heavily involved with her grandchildren while you were very opposed to this.

I strongly believe that it's a crucial role of parents to decide who has contact with their children and is allowed to influence them when they're growing up. If you firmly believe that someone would not be a force for good in your kids' life, then you have the right to severely limit or entirely prevent that person from spending any time with the kids. Just because a particular person is genetically related to your kids, that does not mean they have an automatic right to be part of their lives.

Of course, I'm sure your mother-in-law won't see things that way.

I think one of the most important things in life is learning to pick your battles. If you and your husband feel very strongly that this is a battle worth fighting, then you have to accept that there will be drama and you need to agree on how you'll present a united front to deal with this. You're both probably aware of the particular tactics she uses to try to get her way, so you need to anticipate her moves and sort out how you'll deal with them.

For what it's worth, I have a daughter who is now a teenager and a mother-in-law that I don't admire or even much like. My wife's relationship with her mother has been difficult since she was a child. The woman is not nearly as bad as how you describe your mother-in-law, but she is narcissistic, delusional about her life and really not all that bright. Fortunately, we've never lived close to her, so the time she's spent with our daughter has been limited. We never tried to hide from our daughter how her grandmother exasperated and even angered us at times, but we also gave the two of them space to develop their own relationship and we tried to explain to our daughter in age-appropriate terms why we thought her grandmother did and said the things she did.

My wife and I still find the woman extremely annoying at times, but the relationship between her and our daughter is positive. (Although our daughter has no illusions about her grandmother being a wholly wonderful person.)

It seems to me that unless you feel that your mother-in-law would be an entirely toxic influence on your kids right from the very start, you might consider allowing her regular access to them under closely-monitored conditions. However, you'd need to be prepared to put your foot down if she did or said something you found unacceptable and to then block further access until she agreed that she must accept your parental right to set the rules of engagement, and she must comply with those rules.

From what you say, it seems that you agreeing to this would be setting yourself for almost certain conflict at some point. Only you and your husband can decide if, on balance, this would be better or worse than dealing with the fallout from you flatly refusing to allow her any access at all.

I assume you live in the USA. My understanding is that there are states where a grandparent can petition a court to allow access to grandchildren, but this is restricted to specific situations and usually only possible when the child's parents are no longer together. See here for state-specific details on this: https://www.considerable.com/life/family/grandparent-rights-united-states/

I read every bit of it. But there's always two sides of the story. Although I'm sure you're trying to be 100% truthful her version is probably alittle different. And you said she posted she was happy but told someone she was miserable afterwards. I can relate to that I like my wifes sister but I couldn't wait to leave her wedding.

Never aid and intentionally or unintentuonally escalate his disdain for his mother. My wifes mother is absolutely batshit and she does not talk to her. But I have never said one bad thing about her mother to her because thats not my place for that that is her mother. You shouldnt even be a part in the decision for his mother not to be in her grandchildrens life. That is 100% his decision and you shouldnt try to persuade him one way or the other. Its wrong.Often times theres a weird competition between the mother and the wife. I think sometimes they dont realize they're fighting for influence over the man. Both sides become paranoid the other is turning the man against them. Dont make that paranoia warranted.

I certainly don't envy your position.