Is it normal that i can't stand my housemate's girlfriend?

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My housemate's girlfriend has been staying over a lot more, recently. The problem is, his girlfriend and I do not get along. At all.

She's loud, bossy, and treats her partner very poorly. I genuinely think it's the beginning of a long and abusive relationship, but my housemate says it's fine. "That's just how she is".

She used to only come over maybe one night a week, but now it's a few nights. I'd be pretty quiet, or even remain in my room. I guess she figured out it's because I don't like her, and now she's turned really nasty towards me. Lots of passive-aggressive comments, spreading rumors... high-school stuff, really. I don't retaliate to any of this - I'd like to make that clear if I can. It would probably cause more harm than simply letting it slide. But it's been a while now.

It kind of makes me want to move out. But I don't want to lose my friend, or the house. It's within my budget and close to work and uni. Is it normal that I can't stand my housemate's girlfriend? What should I do?

Thanks everyone!

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Comments ( 7 )
  • Boojum
    4 years ago

    So essentially you now have a new housemate, and you had no say in agreeing that this person should share your personal space for much of the week. Unfortunately, what you describe is a pretty common occurrence.

    You're right not to respond to her petty nastiness, and you're correct that this would accomplish nothing positive.

    While I can understand your concerns about the relationship between her and your friend, this is really none of your business, and you should keep your opinions and fears to yourself unless he explicitly asks to know them.

    I also understand your preference to remain where you are because it's convenient and affordable, but I think you have a choice: either suck it up because, on balance, putting up with her isn't as bad as the hassle and possibly additional expense of moving elsewhere, or tell your friend that you're so unhappy about the situation that you're looking for somewhere else to live. He will then have the choice of either addressing the situation (possibly coming to some compromise where he agrees that she'll only be in the house at specific times), or he'll have to find someone else to share the expenses and put up with her.

    Be aware that you might, as you fear, lose this friend if you dislike his girlfriend so much that you decide you can't bear to be around her. Your dislike of her is an implied criticism of his taste in women. But if she's as bad as you believe, then he may well realise that in time.

    If you want to keep open the route to possibly reestablishing your friendship at some point in the future, do your best to avoid being critical of her. Just say there's a personality conflict, or you need more privacy, or something equally non-judgemental of her. It's not unknown for guys to go through upheavals like this and then end up laughing about bad girlfriend choices over beers years down the line.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      4 years ago

      Thanks for your response! I think for the meantime I'll choose to suck it up.

      It's a shame, really. I do think I'll lose him as a friend whenever I decide to move out, because of the situation. He only has two people in his life, me and his girlfriend. She also only has one friend, and that's him. If I leave, they'll only have each other.

      It's not my place to tell him what to do - I can only hope he'll stand up to her someday. But she's a total bully, calls him stupid, useless, throws things at him, and she threatens to break up with him if he doesn't do what she wants. They've been together for 4 years like this. I'm pessimistic for their future together :(

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      • Boojum
        4 years ago

        That sounds pretty damn toxic.

        It's weird, but it's not unusual for people like this to somehow find each other and then get stuck in a little bubble of poisonous mutual co-dependency.

        I got the impression from your OP that this was a recent development and so thought there might be some hope he'd see sense soon. The outlook is a lot bleaker if they've been together for four years.

        I really think your best option is to plan to remove yourself from the situation sooner or later. Loyalty to friends is an admirable quality, but in the end, you're not responsible for his well-being, and if his life choices are negatively affecting you, then you should have enough self-respect to remove yourself from the situation. He has clearly made some sort of commitment to stick with her whatever she does, but you haven't.

        Telling him you're doing it in sadness rather than anger might cushion the blow, but if he's deluded enough to think this woman is the love of his life or the only woman who will ever have him, then he's probably not going to respond positively. Even if he tries not to be upset, she sounds like the sort of person who will do her best to poison his view of you after you've gone.

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  • litelander8
    4 years ago

    Whose on the lease? Tell him to move and find a new room mate.

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  • WeirdManFromTheSouth
    4 years ago

    Start telling her about flat earth theory out of the blue. Right after that fart out loud and say "That reminds me can I borrow your car?" when she says "No." reply with "Can I have a dollar?"

    Id have her out of there so fast dude. You have to get on her nerves. Its really easy. If she doesnt like Donald Trump always talk to her about how good he's doing.

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  • RoseIsabella
    4 years ago

    Yeah, it's normal to not like her if she's a massive bitch. My sister once freaked out when I told her that I thought she was a bitch. I'm like, don't act like a bitch, and people won't call you a bitch, bitch.

    Hopefully, your roommate will come to his senses, and realize that he's dating a not so nice girl.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      4 years ago

      I should have mentioned - they've been together for 4 years now, I can't really wait it out I'm afraid!

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