Is it normal that i cant trust my girlfriend after this?

Good evening.

I was in a relationship with a girl for 4 years. Before me she was in a relationship with another guy for 9 years.

Long story shortened after a few months of dating I found out that a couple of her guy "friends" (3) were not her friends. They were her allegedly "ex lovers". It turns out she cheated her ex for 4 years with more than 5 different people and thats what I know of (she confessed after I confronted her about this). She was hiding and deleting messages with them and even went so far as to have a fake facebook profile to chat with one of them.

Needless to say my heart and image of her were broken, trust was obliterated. With mutual hard work and time we managed to get over that and rebuild trust. I was never following her, checking her phone for messages, none of that. If I found anything suspicious I asked her about it and what she told me I believed.

When we were going through that I told her that we can stay together but if she ever puts me in a situation where there is a second, unknown guy in our relationship and there are suspicious things about that guy, eg. That she is deleting texts, hiding stuff... In that case if I need to wonder if she cheated on me with him or whatever is going on, its instantly over. I went through that once, dont want it twice.

4 years later, I accidentally find out she is texting her boss with the keep quiet emojis as she saw me approach her I told her to scroll up, a few messages before that she texted him "Air is clear, you can type now".

I didnt look at any other messages or anything else, just broke up with her then and there. Helped her pack up and drove her home, helped her get her things up the stairs. We went apart in "ok" terms. She later admitted that she deleted messages after every chat she had with him and that he was sometimes innapropriate.

Her reason for these secret chats with him was that we were going through a tough period because we couldnt agree on when to have kids and I was depressed due to many family members dying close together so she seeked help in talking to him about us and about me and she thinks I would have gotten angry if she was talking to him about private things so she kept hiding it. She knew about our deal and admitted she figured she wouldnt get caught.

In all honesty due to her history with her ex and with me and our deal, due to everything we went through to repair trust, due to how much she kept staying after work with her work crew (and possibly alone with him but ill never know).... due to all that I simply do not buy her excuse, I do not trust her any more even tho I wish I could, she has no proof or evidence of her not cheating or what those chats were about since all of it was deleted and after this I cant trust her words even tho I want to desperately be with her again.

Am I normal for breaking this uo and not trusting her after all of this ?

Thank you in advance to everyone who takes this seriously and replies. I tried to make it as short as possible even tho there are more details. If anyone wants to know more feel free to ask.

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Comments ( 27 )

Tommythecaty

1 year ago

Sorry to hear that, you would understandably feel like shit.

That is not a trustworthy person at all.

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- Corvius
  
  1 year ago
  
  Thank you for your input!
  
  No.... sadly... she is not. My head got spinned from all the lies and manipulation to the point where even if she started telling the truth I wouldnt believe her anymore, id think she is lying. Its a hole with no escape.
  
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1WeirdGuy

1 year ago

Pretty sure theres apps in the google play store that allow you to recover deleted texts. When women get caught they always blame it on you or act like they're retarded or something.

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- Corvius
  
  1 year ago
  
  I thonk those apps are either a scam or do not work but regardless I did not want to waste my time playing detective. I was in that situation once and for every answer you find 10 questions arise.
  
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  - 1WeirdGuy
    
    1 year ago
    
    No I downloaded one once and retrieved a number I deleted. I wanna think I got a text back once I cant remember.
    
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    - Corvius
      
      1 year ago
      
      And yes you are right. When women get caught they always blame it on you.
      
      To be fair tho, she told me to my face that she blew this up, that she understands my reasoning for breaking up and thst if she could go back in time wouldnt allow herself to do that (hide and delete messages and chst with him) so in that sense she admitted.
      
      But she told my mother and her friends that I was overly jealous, that id get angry at her if she told her boss our problems so she hid it from me etc. Basically that im the bad guy and in a classic sense. Thars literally ehat every woman does when shes caught.
      
      Even if I was that guy(which I wasnt) it gives her no right or justification to fo behind my back, lie to me, possibly cheat on me, hide things.
      
      Hell, I was about to propose her next year and she does this... it honestly broke my heart....
      
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      - 1WeirdGuy
        
        1 year ago
        
        Damn bro thats rough. There's no reason she needs to tell anyone yalls problems really. That should always stay between yall
        
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        Corvius
        
        1 year ago
        
        If you really want to see messed up, look down at my replies to another user where I shared some details
        
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    - Corvius
      
      1 year ago
      
      I tried doing that before but none of those apps worked. Do you mind trying to find that apps name ?
      
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olderdude-xx

1 year ago

Honesty is such a key in any long term relationship.

I understand why you ended it.

With the proper counseling early on in your relationship the situation likely could have been resolved back then and this would likely not have happened.

I wish you the best in your future search.

Please note that both me and my wife agreed before we got married that honesty was the key to everything. If something happened let the other know right away and we would work it out. It's never about what happened - it's why it happened and how do you prevent that "why" from reoccurring.

There are known situations where sex does occur outside of normal relationships: Survival situations, and if a person is under the influence of certain drugs so they act on most any impulse if they have a chance. But, those "Why's" are either extremely rare or known occurrences can be set up to keep the person in a safe environment to minimize the possibility.

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- Corvius
  
  1 year ago
  
  Hello. Thank you very much for taking the time and effort to post a longer reply on my situation. Its confusing for me. I question my acts and her acts.
  
  We had counceling at the start but it was a terrible councelor. However I was telling her the same thing you are telling me now throughout our relationship. That honesty is the key to a healthy relationship and not only that, its paramount.
  
  I could get over white lies or even certain lies in general under the right circumstances but as I mentioned beforehand I told her if she again puts me in a situation where there are lies and deceit involving another unknown male person, I do not need to know the rest, because I know no matter how hard I try ill never get to the bottom of it, so relationship ends.
  
  I agree with you. But these were normal situations.
  
  Sometimes I am very confused with what my brain is telling me (run away as far as possible) and what my heart is telling me (call her and try to work it out). Its confusing and painfull at times. I get unsure of myself and question what did I do to contribute to this, how could have I done things better.
  
  I would like to ask her how shes doing and try to work it through but simoultaneously I do not want it at all if that makes any sense at all ?
  
  The point being she messed up big time.
  
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  - olderdude-xx
    
    1 year ago
    
    I understand your confusion. I also understand about finding the right counselor. It often takes up to 3 attempts to get someone who is right for both of you.
    
    However, because honesty is such a key... it's hard to rebuild.
    
    The chances are very high that you made the correct decision to end it. There's someone better out there for you (if you are patient and keep looking).
    
    Here is a video that may help you understand why people cheat, and how it might be overcome.
    
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2AUat93a8Q
    
    Also, I suggest that you read the book: "The 5 Love Languages" by: Gary Chapman. By itself that book is unlikely to assist in repairing the damage. But, it will likely be most illuminating and will certainly help with your next relationship (where you can have your new partner read a copy too - and then the two of you work together).
    
    It would take a sincere effort on both of your parts to make it work again... and its uncommon for both parties to be willing to go through the learning and counseling needed to do so (although some Ladies and Med are willing to do so).
    
    I feel your pain and the torn thoughts. I had several relationship crash and burn badly before I met my wife (and one where we became 4 going on 5 decades long best friends - even though we were not right for marriage).
    
    The pain and confusion heals with time and with gaining some understanding so you can learn the important lessons (which the video and book will help with).
    
    I wish you the best in the future...
    
    Also note: Both my with and I married at a fairly advanced age, we both have similar experiences with romantic relationship and with other people crying on our shoulders about their relationship problems (they are always the same 4 problems). We vowed that those 4 problems would not destroy our marriage (we did not say that they could not occur).
    
    Our actual wedding vows to each other are:
    
    1) "Honesty in all things, except things like a surprise party". This does not mean we have to tell every detail. But we cannot lie about where we were and the basics of what we did with whom. We have to provide the details if the other asks.
    
    2) "No issue or situation cannot be handled IF identified to the other party in a timely manner; and if dealt with having compassion for the other person and their position"
    
    Note that our commitments were for honesty and to work out problems and situations. Not that problems and situations could never exist or happen (we've both seen to many examples of those issues and problems).
    
    Everything else was an expectation (which could be changed if needed). Yes we had expectations on sexual conduct and many other things. We have changed about 1/3 of our expectations over the 10+ years we have been married.
    
    We did not say working out a situation would be fast or painless - and we might need counseling (we actually talked about this up front before getting married). But, that as long as we were honest with each other and told the other in a timely fashion for the situation - that we would find a way to work things out.
    
    The 6 months of counseling we did when a major issue came up was the hardest thing I did in my entire life as it tore my guts out. My wife did not find it easy either. But, we both learned things that we did not know about ourselves (we did not lie to each other: we did not know who we really were) - and we came up with a solution for our future. Both of us felt that the counseling made us better people. We are more in love today than ever.
    
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    - Corvius
      
      1 year ago
      
      Anyways.
      
      As I said she hung out with her allegedly ex lovers in our relationship and I found out. I didnt find out all at once, we ars talking about months and months of lying and manipulation here.
      
      Trust was obliterated and it took an absolutely massive effort from both her and me to repair that trust, we eventually managed to do it as we have both worked on it amd we worked hard. I tried not to over step my boundaries even then.
      
      That is precisely why I have told her then and there that if we are gonna make this work, if you ever put me into a position where there is an unknown male in our relationship and the situstion is sketchy in a sense that ypu are hiding thongs about him from me, lying, manipulating, deleting messages.... its over because I wont be able to go past that ever again. The first time it happened at the start of a relationship I had to swallow a very hard fact that im never going to know exactly what happened behind my back when she was hanging out with them alone and I never wanted to go through that again.
      
      Also, im screenshotting ypur vows. They seem very well thought out. Thank you for that.
      
      Im very sorry you had to go through all of that, however if you didnt you and your wife might not have had the experience needed to run your marriage in such a mature positive way. As you said honesty and trust are the foundations of a relationship
      
      My confusion comes from the fact that I feel like I should at this point either hate her for what she did to me or that I should be completely cold and bot care at all, but despite me expecting that I still love her in a way and I still care in a way. Thsts where my confusion comes from mostly.
      
      Like how can I still care and love you after all of this ? I had many talks with her but she seems to not be able to fully understand the concept of being honest, acting in such a way that you do not feel like you need to lie about it, being transparent. She always seemed through our relationship like whatever she did was for her selfish reasons disregarding the concequences. In a way that she will do whatever benefits her the most in a situation, no matter what.
      
      And the hardest thing for me is that I keep questioning myself, how did I act to contribute to these issues ? What things could I have done better ? Even tho essentially in my opinion there is no justification for what she did.
      
      To her friends, she made me look like this overly jealous possesive guy which I know I was not, but from my experience most cheaters do this and she never in our relationship could take the responsibility for her actions. She would always have a "I did it because xyz" and you could almost never hear "im sorry, that was wrong of me".
      
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    - Corvius
      
      1 year ago
      
      Firstly I greatly appreciate your effort, experiences, recommendations and your willingness to help me through this issue and I cant thank you enough for that.
      
      Where I live there is sadly only one councelor for couples and that one we tried and it sucked in multiple ways.
      
      So basically as I didnt get inro too much detail about it she obliterated trust in the first couple of months of our relationship, it was not only a huge red flag, it was a festival of red flags, whole 9 yards, soviet union flags, it completely shattered my image that I have built of her. When I found out what she was capable of I was torn to pieces and I habe no shame admitting that I wept like a child. I was thinking how could this beautifull, intelligent, kind hearted person which I fell in love with be capable of doing such acts ? I understand but do not justify cheating, I understand it can happen once, twice under certain circumstances. But she cheated on her ex for 4 or 5 long years of that relationship and she managed to get out of that unscathed, he never found out and as soon as he messed up she ended it snd put all the blame on him making him out to look like a monster in front of everyon while she was cheating on him for 4 or 5 years with more than 5 different people. When I found that out I cant wrap my head around what kind of a person do you need to be to do that to somebody, lead not just a double, but a pentuple life for 5 years, suck somebody off then come home and kiss your boyfriend and the next day sit with his family and act okay. I simply cant wrap my head around that. When I found that out it shattered me. She took it even a step further in that relationship(she admitted to this to me), she cheated her boyfriend, with his friend, who is married to her female friend. Can you wrap your head around that ? So she had a female friend whos child she baby sitted and she had an affair eith thst female friends husband and that husband was a friend of her ex boyfriend..... and she continued to hang out with those people well after multiple affairs and even hung out with them in our relationship. As I said I get cheating, but this is 5 levels above that in my eyes.
      
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      - olderdude-xx
        
        1 year ago
        
        This is a reply to both post:
        
        Thank you for your appreciation of the stuggles in this area that both my wife and I went though in our lives. Virtually everyone goes though such struggles; and ours could have been much worse. Both of us feel that we learned valuable lessons from our relationship failures and our joint counseling together that allowed positive growth. You will find the same for you if you look for the positive lessons and move forward (you cannot move forward if you are anchored to your past).
        
        People are complex. They are a mix of features - and everyone is unique.
        
        Learn to appreciate the positive aspects of people and understand that the negative aspects exist.
        
        A reality is that some people are generally honest, and others are generally dishonest. The two almost never can understand the other side of honesty. Generally dishonest people cannot see the value of honesty - and feel that they get ahead in life better by being dishonest. Generally honest people feel that they best get ahead in life by being honest.
        
        There is no reason to hate people you don't understand. No reason to pity them either. Best to move on and just don't dwell on what you don't understand in these kinds of things (except its always worth learning to improve your "people skills").
        
        In this case you cherish, like, and even love some of her positive aspects. But some of her negative aspects are a deal breaker for you. The two of you are not a match. That's all you need to understand. You are not required to understand how her mind works or her values. All you need to understand is that she is not a match for you.
        
        We've all been scammed by people (me too in multiple ways). It's just best to move on and create a better future. Take what positive lessons you can from the relationship, and move forward and do better next time. As an example: I will not date someone who had not read that book and is willing to work with me on what is inside it (my wife will allow me to have other intimate "friends" although there are standards and rules for that - including her input on to suitability).
        
        The Video and Book will help you heal and to prevent a major re-occurrence (If both partners are honest and use the book together - it prevents about 80% of cheating that occurs). But, the book cannot overcome flat out dishonesty and manipulation of people; which you seem to have been the recipient of.
        
        I'm glad that you appreciate my hard earned wisdom (what portions I possess).
        
        I wish you the best...
        
        You seem like a decent fellow. PM me if you'd like to talk in person about things and your future.
        
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        Corvius
        
        1 year ago
        
        I tried Pming you but neither of us have a gold version of this site so I cant PM you.
        
        Do you mind sending me an email to this fake adress and then we can maybe talk there or switch further contact ?
        
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sweetone89

1 year ago

Yes. She was willing to go behind your back and talk about your personal problems to someone other than you and her male boss, no less. Ladies do love to tal kto their best friends about stuff...but a male boss? And then try to hide it from you?

Please find someone else who will be open and honest with you. It won't be her.

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- Corvius
  
  1 year ago
  
  Reading your comment its like im reading my own words. Thats the exact same line of reasoning I used and I even said that to her after we broke up.
  
  I told her, that this isnt a normal employee-boss relationship regardless of what happened behind the scenes, you have your friends to share OUR personal problems with, NOT your "boss". So its sketchy at best.
  And on top of that hiding it from me by sending "keep quiet" emojis, telling him "the coast is clear" and deleting messages.
  
  By the way I asked her how would he know what a "keep quiet" emoji means, because if someone sent it to me randomly id be like what ? What do you mean ?
  
  She told me that they arranged beforehand if she ever sends him that emoji it means im close and he shouldnt call.or text her further. Can you imagine that ?
  
  Thank you very much for your advice and time to post your opinion.
  
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kelili

1 year ago

I think that she is a liar and a cheater. She has done it before and this is what she is doing again. Be done with her and be thankful that there is no child or else it would have been difficult. You have done the right thing and no employee confides in their boss unless there's more in the relationship.

You did the right thing.

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- Corvius
  
  1 year ago
  
  Thank you very much for your input and time. I appreciate that.
  
  Indeed I was thankfull that we did not get a child because I believe having a child with her would ruin my life....
  
  That is my line of reasoning aswell, no employee confides in his/hers boss of opposite sex and proceeds to hide/delete message and expecially srrange hidden symbols to further hide that without something going on behind the curtains.
  
  I have had many different bosses of both sexes and I never remotely came close to confiding my personal issues, expecially regarding the relationships to them. It would feel uncomfortable in so many ways, now ypu may say "well everyone is different", which I agree. Not everyone needs to follow the same line of reasoning as me and you.
  
  But doing that while deleting messages, hiding, lying about it, arranging symbols and signs to further cover it is another beast.
  
  I questioned myself because of her manipulations and wanted to hear other peoples input.
  
  As previously stated she did horrendous things and put up massive red flags with lying, hiding, manipulating innapropriate behavior and potentially cheating right off the bat and this happened again. I think potentialy there have been more things like these which I never found out snd never will because I really didnt check on her...
  
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Wow3986

1 year ago

I think you're leaving out a lot of details in this post. What did YOU do? I bet you're probably a misogynistic abusive slimebag that wants an increase in hate crime against women.

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- Corvius
  
  1 year ago
  
  Youre right about this post in only one thing, which is I did leave out a lot of details, all of which are negative details for her side of the story.
  
  If you were a decent enough person to genuinely ask this question I would answer it truthfully, but since you are not, im not going to entertain your message any further. Good luck to you.
  
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  - Wow3986
    
    1 year ago
    
    You just don't want to admit you're a bigoted misogynist that abuses his wife. Seek help.
    
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Are You Normal?

Is it normal that i cant trust my girlfriend after this?