Is it normal that i don't understand how to bond with people?

82% Normal
16 Comments

I mean, I don't even know where to start. I've always been left out, avoided and talked about for being quiet. If I make an effort, I can sense their growing discomfort. It's something that I can't see. I dress normal, have normal showering habits... it's just something in me that makes them recoil. I'm mainly worried about work right now, they're cliquing up and starting to smile from a distance and a few are beginning to act rude. Usual story in my life. Is it odd to pull someone aside and ask them what people think of me? I only avoid things like that because I feel like it'd seem paranoid and self-centered (even if I'm right), and things will get worse. What the hell do people talk about everyday!? How do I get by without having others clique up and group?

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82% Normal
Based on 44 votes (36 yes)
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Comments ( 16 )
  • Dad
    12 years ago

    It happens to everyone.
    You're talking about them now, without them knowing!

    You need to be a bit more confident and go over to them and say hey you talking about me? Because that's a subject I'm pretty good with.

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    • EMFHAAC
      12 years ago

      Honestly, this is the best advice I've ever gotten. I'm sure it seems simple to most people, but I guess I have social anxiety as deep as Earth's crust. I've heard a million times to have more confidence, but not without the simple follow up. The extra detail. So thanks....

      Also, I've always had it in my head that I shouldn't need to defend or prove myself, especially to pure bs - not that it always is.

      Also, note there are special cases. I assure you this doesn't happen to everyone on the same scale. And I'm not disparaging anybody's name, character or persona in front of peers or anybody in everyday life.

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  • flutterhigh
    12 years ago

    High school? Early twenties? Wait for the things they dislike about you to become your virtues.

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    • EMFHAAC
      12 years ago

      Early thirties. Yep. Maybe I'll keep waiting though, lol. I appreciate your comment. We've gotta hold on to hope you know.

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      • flutterhigh
        12 years ago

        If your peers are in their thirties and are "cliquing up" and acting like schoolchildren, what would you possibly want from them apart from tips on what not to be?

        Two possibilities: all of your peers are idiots, or you're just projecting these things onto them. Both are plausible and neither are that bad.

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        • EMFHAAC
          12 years ago

          I could very well be projecting *some* things, but not all. Also, my projections don't outweigh the reality. I don't think most people stray to far from high school mentality though... if it worked for them then whey would they need to change. We're talking about people in their forties and fifties too. I'm serious.

          Very much like your comments, thank you.

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  • dappled
    12 years ago

    If someone came up to me and asked if I'd been talking about them, I'd be weirded out. It's this kind of self-consciousness that puts people on edge. I don't know whether I've learned it from my mother (who is a world expert) or whether I've always been like this (I suspect so) but I treat any first/second/third encounter as a way of establishing common interests, values, etc. It sounds ugly when written out like that, but I'm genuinely very interested in people. I don't mean in a scientific way, just a kind of friendship way. I love talking to people. I was shy as a kid and probably sent out the "leave me alone" body language. I'm still bad with body language. But when I'm talking to someone, it never, ever crosses my mind to wonder how I'm being perceived. I am who I am and they'll either like it or not. If they don't, it's really no big deal. They're probably not the kind of person I'd like either. You've got to give people the chance to know you, though, and the best way to do that is by getting to know them. Try to ignore the insecurity and show interest in them.

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    • Dad
      12 years ago

      Just out of interest I'd like to comment about your comment dappled.

      Yes its true that first impressions count, and therefore its always best to not attack as it were (as I kinda suggested previously)
      But these people already feel they 'know' this person (in their mind). In this situation introducing yourself nicely will never change what is already set in concrete.

      I agree that people may not get the best impression of a bad introduction and therefore take the opposite stance of retaliating or defending themselves. I agree with this so much, that this is EXACTLY why I suggest that member EMFHAAC should defend herself since being given a bad introduction by others.

      They get what they asked for.
      And confronting them, may make them think twice next time, they think someone is a push over.

      By the way EMFHAAC, (if you're reading) YES this trivial matter is worth you making some form of a approach on, worse case scenario is that you remain in the same position you have always been in, above that its all good.

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      • dappled
        12 years ago

        Yeah, I can't disagree with any of that. Looking back, my advice was advice for the future as opposed to what to do about the present. And your advice was about the present. I talked about preventing the situation and you talked about dealing with the situation that has already arisen. I hope this is really useful to the OP as they've been given advice both for now and the future.

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    • EMFHAAC
      12 years ago

      Thanks for your post, it's a great insight and very bothersome at the same time. I don't mind talking to people, but I don't need to all the time (or want to rather). Now, if I put off a vibe that I'm doing my own thing, I don't think I should then need to worry that they're going to gang up and try to bounce me from earning a living. See, that's what the big deal is. We're not all extroverts and genuinely interested in every detail of every persons life around us. It just seems that if I'm not, or if I don't force myself to be someone I'm just not, then Hell will be paid. Do or die whether it's in you or not.

      Also, that's great that you don't wonder how you're being perceived, but some people do. Are they lower than? Are we a sub-par human that better shape up or ship out? I guess where I'm going with this is, yea, it's insecurity, but even extroverts have insecurity masked as mile-a-minute pointless conversations. So who's more human? Which of us belongs here more?

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      • dappled
        12 years ago

        I see the problem, but we all have to do things we don't like in order to make a quid or a buck or a rupee. I wish my job didn't involve any public speaking. It doesn't often but, when it does, I dread it. But rather than trying to avoid it, I try to think what I can do to be better at it. Even though I'm never going to enjoy it. And I still think I'm no good at it.

        Not everyone is going to be social at work (or want to be), but it makes things easier and often makes us better able to do our jobs. If I was paying someone to work for me, I'd want to think they were trying their best too. Even if it meant them doing something they didn't naturally want to do.

        I'm sorry it's uncomfortable for you, though. I can see it can't be easy.

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  • joybird
    12 years ago

    My friends always ask how I can go to pubs on my own and prop up the bar. They always wait on the other girls. The thing is, I never assume anyone is talking about me - even in a bar occupied by only men! I would be really flattered if I knew they were coz I never knew I was so important!

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    • EMFHAAC
      12 years ago

      Thanks joybird, but I always assume that too until they make it clear that they ARE. Underhanded backstabbing bs, then they'll imply things without saying it to make you feel the odd man out. It's textbook. It's the way it is for me.

      I'm not saying I don't encourage it somehow, I've just never been able to figure how.

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      • joybird
        12 years ago

        Once you are sure you hear your name then confront them nicely by saying, "Oh sorry, so and so, I didn't quite catch that!"

        It takes some balls to insult you directly to your face and it also loses its sting the second time. I do this quite often when guys try to be smart @sses. If they do repeat it, I do a pathetic half-hearted hmph and talk about something else.

        There is an awful lot of bullying that goes on at work and it's rotten! Everytime someone left the room the women used to start like a gaggle of geese. I got so fed up I lost my temper and said, "Can you not leave the girl alone, she's only here trying to earn a living!" Anytime I left the room, I used to wait outside the door and a few minutes later, stick my head back in and say, "Hope you're not talking about me now!"

        To be honest, it sounds like they are extremely jealous of you. Unless you get promoted above them, you'll never really beat this problem - I changed jobs!

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        • EMFHAAC
          12 years ago

          Appreciate that. I'm gonna keep being me though - the rest of them can lay low all they want, but they're going to need to work very hard on this if they want me gone.

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          • joybird
            12 years ago

            Good for you.

            Just nod and smile at the idiots.

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