Is it normal that i feel this way about trichotillomania?

So I have had trichotillomania since I was 11 I'm 21 now and it's been killing me and making me lose out on a lot of stuff. I never had a boyfriend probably due to this disorder. I'm insecure about it. I feel like I probably don't have friends cause of this reason. I feel like they probably think I'm ugly, weird, and can't take me serious. Whenever people go near my hair I flinch cause I don't want them to touch my hair. I don't want them knowing it's a wig and I don't want them to accidentally pull it off. I can't even go on fast rides or have fun or go outside while it's windy cause I'm scared my wig will fly off.

I've pushed away every guy that's gotten close to me cause I was scared he would find me weird. I get jealous cause my little sis has a lot of friends that are around my age. I have a feeling it's because they think she's cuter cause she has long beautiful hair. I always compare myself to others thinking they're pretty and I imagine letting my hair grow out. Yet I have my times where I'll stop pulling for a couple days then I'll pull again sometimes from the urge or without even thinking. I always keep my wig on. I feel less ugly with it on and I'll never take it off if I have company over. When girls talk about makeovers and styling hair I'll feel envy. I'll even stare at girls hair and wish that was me. I feel like if I had hair my social anxiety won't be so bad.

I used to cry before going to school cause of anxiety and feeling ashamed every morning when I was in High School. I've had met guys I actually thought were my soulmate online but never met them cause I was afraid of them not liking me or thinking I was weird, ugly due to my short hair. It's so short it doesn't even pass my fingers. I hate knowing a girl could throw her hair up and leave the house and not give a care. I hate knowing a girl can take a shower and feel pretty and go out with wet hair. It takes much more longer for me since I have to wear a wig. I have to take my wig off to shower and wait til my natural short hair dries and then brush it out and make it look as natural as possible.

I hate having to always wear it up since this wig has dried out and doesn't look real anymore. I envy girls with long shiny soft hair. I wish I had that. I just wish I could stop pulling my hair but it's so hard. Everyone tells me to just stop. It isn't that easy. If I could stop I would of stopped already. Why would I keep doing something that hurts me and makes me feel ugly? That's one thing I can't stand to hear from someone. Why is it so hard? I feel like I ruined half my life. Soon I'll be old and wrinkly with gray hair. I'll be already possibly bald. During your teen years you're supposed to have fun. I just wasted it alone, being an introvert and being away from people cause I was afraid of being judged.

I never fit in anyway people just ignored me. They still do. I think if I had long hair I'd feel better with myself. The only thing that'd hold me back is my body. But right now I have my hair problem which causes a lot of anxiety, over thinking, and me being insecure. Anxiety possibly triggered trichotillomania. I've had so much stress in my life. I'm surprised I even am the way I am. People online always say I'm beautiful and I'm awesome but then the people that are actually in my life always ignore me. They think I'm weird. I feel like if I can't be treated nicely by my family than no one will accept me.

I hate myself and I hate the way I look. I hate going out in public knowing everyone has hair I get really insecure and feel ashamed. There are no medications or cure for this. Only yourself could change that but it's an neurological disorder. I heard they can give you antidepressants but I don't think that'd work. I just wish my hair grew back in like 2 days.

I wish I could leave the house without worrying if my wig looks fake or any tracks are showing. I hate having company cause sometimes I want to take my wig off. I can't go swimming in the summer time cause my wig will get wet or fall off. My wig sometimes gives me headaches cause they can be tight. Sometimes my head gets hot cause of wearing the wig 24/7. I sometimes even get scared people will notice it's a wig so I'll wear a hat or hoodie just so people won't notice. Sorry for ranting but I hate this disorder so much. Can you relate? I could go on for days :\