Is it normal that i wish cancer on myself sometimes?

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I'm mid-thirties, female, single, no kids. I have a phone/social media/gaming addiction that morphs into other unhealthy life coping strategies if I deprive myself of the aforementioned. After a long bout, I look at my day and think, 'What was the point of all that?' and I get the existential dread that comes when you know you've just wasted your life.

After 3 or so hours' gaming I feel awkward about just being alive at all. Like, the whole structure of my day is gone. For three hours or so I abdicated from life, and now I'm back and I've got to spend my time adulting. What could that possibly involve in the few hours left in the day? What am I even supposed to do with myself? What will the consequences of not using my time as wisely as other mid-thirties women, be? While I was gaming, what was I supposed to be doing? How much crap am I setting myself up for by throwing my time away? Sometimes I feel like 24 hours is way, way too long for a day to last; other times it feels way too short.

And then I get like, 'Yeah, I've had fun but I can't see any worthwhile future in this. Now body, can you just hurry up and get cancer and die already? That would make everything so much less complicated.'.

Anyone relate?

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Based on 6 votes (0 yes)
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Comments ( 4 )
  • Somenormie
    1 year ago

    Have you tried counselling?

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      1 year ago

      At the moment I am seeing a counsellor and a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist has been wondering for a while if my meds are quite right for me. But it could just be down to my circumstances. I'm on shark week at the moment, my diet and sleep habits have been off, and I've had a few life changes recently, so maybe this is just a 'bump in the road'.

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  • 1WeirdGuy
    1 year ago

    Nooo you dont want cancer dude its awful. I think if you got a spouse it would help you feel alot better. You sound lonely.

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  • bbrown95
    1 year ago

    No, I can't say I relate. I had to watch a family member pass away from cancer last year and it was awful watching him slowly deteriorate until he couldn't do anything for himself and was too weak to even talk. He fought so long and hard, and wanted to be cancer-free so bad. I think that would be an awful way to die and everyone who is cancer-free should be very thankful for that.

    Anyway, I think it would be greatly beneficial for you to seek help for your phone/social media/gaming addictions. They are absolutely possible to break. There's actually a community on Reddit called NoSurf (I know, contradictory to have a website about breaking free of the Internet, but it seems to be a good source for a lot of people to get started) that may help you. I think having a competent professional help you would be best, though, since it's obviously causing you a lot of distress. I wish you the best.

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