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So I recently got remarried and my 10 year old daughter is mad at me because of it. My wife is nothing but nice to her, and my daughter still won't accept her, which is discouraging us. Is this normal?
Seriously, dude? You really expected your daughter to automatically accept the woman you chose to marry as her "new Mom"?
Your daughter already has a mother, and it's not the woman who's currently your wife. You and your wife are incredibly stupid if you actually thought she could just step into the life of a ten-year-old kid, announce that she was her brand new and improved mother, and everything would be just Brady Bunch perfect. Presumably, your daughter had no say in you making this decision - or you just ignored her feelings about it - so why the hell should she be happy about everything suddenly changing at home?
Being a step-parent can be incredibly challenging. Sometimes it works out, and sometimes the step-parent and child detest each other more and more as time goes on. The main question here is whether you have the emotional maturity and sensitivity to be in the middle of the new relationship between your wife and your daughter, and help them reach some sort of agreement on how they can at least live together in peace. If you screw this up, your daughter may well end up not only hating her step-mother, but always resenting you for forcing her "new Mom" on her.
Wow... You are so right. I'm sorry I didn't realize this sooner, I'm such a fool.
He shouldn't be a dick about it. If you did not care about your daughter you wouldn't be asking the question here and it doesnt warrant patronizing. I dont think you and your girlfriend are stupid for asking for advice on here. Hope it works out for you.
Yes, a thousand times yes! Just the thought of someone saying to a child that his, or her new spouse is the kid's, "new mom", or "new dad", is so horribly cringe inducing, and unsympathetic! Seriously, it's insane the lack of insight, or empathy for the child in this position, it's repugnant to me, and my parents aren't even divorced. Anybody that talks like that is beyond moronic in their approach to parenting, and life in general. Last time I checked children aren't robots. Hell, this bullshit attitude doesn't even work on animals, much less human children!
Sorry for the rant there, but I really do appreciate, and agree with your comment. 🤠👍🏻💓
Let your daughter get used to her new mom, it'll most likely take some time.
There's no such thing as a new mom, what the child in this scenario is dealing with is a stepmother, not a new mom.
I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but talking about a kid needing to get used to a new mom sounds so God awful. It sounds like someone talking to me about how once I get used to the new couch I'm just gonna love it.
I understand what you mean RoseIsabella, I think sometimes with step relatives it's a lot harder to get around with that person since they are like the unknown. I believe when OP's daughter grows up she'll eventually start accepting her and accepting who she is.
I think the more OP is capable of not trying to convince a ten year old girl that his new wife is the child's new mom the better things will turn out. I hope he doesn't expect his daughter to call her mom.
Hell, I'm 51 years old, but if my 80 year old mother were to die, or suddenly disappear I certainly wouldn't be open to my 84 father looking for love. I figure at this stage of life, and with the memory problems my father is starting to have it's my job to take care of him if anything happens to my mother while he's still alive. I honestly wouldn't trust a home healthcare provider, because my folks aren't rich, but they certainly have enough money to attract golddiggers, and I'm not above running off a woman who is probably not much older me with a stick! There are a lot of greedy, opportunistic people in this world unfortunately.
My parents have been happy together for almost 55 years, and neither of them need to look for anyone to replace the other at their age. It looks like my dad is on the verge of developing dementia so I will gladly chase away money hungry, thirsty ass bitches.
If my 52 year old mom were to ever die, I myself would find it hard to get used to the so-called "new mom" I am this scared, bitter person when I see someone I barely even know. Luckily my 54 year old dad isn't interested in remarrying anyone and never will remarry anybody.
Yeah, but see that's the thing, there's no new mom. If your parents got divorced, or your mother were to die you would still have exactly just one, and only one mother. I don't know how old you are, but if your father were to remarry for any reason his new wife could never be your new mom, she would legally be your stepmother, but she could never be your new mom.
The only instances were I can see any validity in phrases like new mom, or new dad is when a child who was previously orphaned gets adopted. Otherwise all of this new mom talk is really just bullshit.
It'll take time but always remember you wear the pants the step mother shouldnt make big decisions about your daughter especially if your daughter knows she is making them, but your daughter also has to respect her step mother. Its not a good idea for the step mother to ever take on the role of disciplinarian. If she starts that you should tell her in private not to that will make things worse. She will eventually probably like her. Dont give up.
First of all just because you got “remarried” that doesn’t maker her, her “new mom” or “mother”. There is a word for that which is step-mother and that’s only if your daughter agrees to be her step daughter. I’m being honest in here,trying to take the real mothers place is a fucked up thing to do ( it happened to me ) my dad got with this person and I used to call her mom which I regret with all my soul I regret it. She tried so do hard to take my mothers place, she hated my mother. She never wanted me to have a picture of her in MY ROOM and there’s more in just not going to get into it that deep.So no. You can’t just do that. Your “wife” can act all nice at the beginning but you never know what intentions people have these days especially when you’re gone and doing something you should never leave her alone with your “wife” I wish someone told my dad exactly what I’m telling you.
You say no reason. But she has a reason. No one do anything for no reason.
You can't ask anyone to trust or accept anyone else. It has to come from within.
Your daughter will only ever have one mum. You don’t say what happened to her, did she die, just leave, get too sick to look after her child??? Whatever happened it will likely have some relevance to how your daughter is feeling about the woman you have imposed on her (albeit with good intentions).
Then no other woman will ever completely replace her. I lost my mother in my teens, I don’t think I ever got over it and I’m in my 50’s now. Be empathetic to your daughter share her grief and tell her how much you miss her mum too (lie if you have too) because it’s likely she puts her mother on a pedestal that no one else will ever reach. Make it clear your new wife is a new and additional love not a replacement love. Tell her you love her mum as much now as when she was alive. Keep reenforcing these messages and encourage your new wife to support you with this. X
Jesus! You're daughter is probably still grieving the lost of her mother, her real mother, and the only real mother she will ever have. Please, for the love of God don't ever expect, or request that your daughter to ever call this woman mom, because she's not her mom! If you're actually legally married to the new woman then she is technically a step-mother, but not, "Mom". If you're not married to the new woman then she's just some chick you're with.
Whatever you do please don't be one of those idiots who remove all the pictures in your house of your late wife just to please the new woman. I used to babysit some little boys when I was about fifteen, and one of the things that hurt them the most was the removal of all the old pictures of their mother. I don't know if the parents were divorced, or if the father was widowed, but the little boys were hurting inside from the dad's lack of sensitivity to their needs!
I'm sorry to hear that, both for you and especially for your daughter. Losing a parent when very young often has a life-long impact.
Very young children feel all sorts of things, consciously and subconsciously, but their lack of life-experience means they usually aren't even capable of identifying exactly what they're feeling, never mind understanding how to deal with all the stuff going on in their heads.
I obviously have no idea what sort of relationship existed between your daughter and your late wife. It's entirely possible that the version of the woman that exists in your daughter's head is very different to how you remember her. It's also likely that your daughter's memories of her are idealised, and she may be doing things like believing that every little problem in her life wouldn't exist if only her mother was still around.
It's possible that, at some level, your daughter is wondering just how important she is to you and how much you love her. From her perspective, your wife has died, and you've simply gone out and got a replacement, just like you'd buy a new appliance when the old one fails, or you'd find a kitten somewhere if your cat dies.
I'm a widower myself (although there were no children from that marriage), so I completely understand you wanting to move on with your life. If you feel the need to share your life with a woman whom you care about and who cares about you, then you should have that. You staying single because your daughter would prefer that would be just as negative ultimately as a couple staying married "for the sake of the children". But I have to wonder if you really understand the impact your wife's death has had on your daughter, and how that will have created all sorts of feelings about you, her mother, and life in general that she's incapable of sorting out on her own.
Oh man, when my cat dies it's going to be tough on me! It could never be as simple as just finding a new kitten somewhere. I'd probably be open to fostering a new kitten, but acquiring a new feline companion for me could never be as simple as just finding a new kitten.
I'd probably spend a good deal of time grieving, and in prayer. Then when I'm ready to welcome a new bestfriend in my life I'd still have to find a reputable breeder of Siamese cats, and I'd probably want to meet a lot of kittens from different litters. I'd basically just be looking for the kitten who picked me, and with whom I'd click. The new cat thing will never be a casual endeavor for me.