Is it normal to be disturbed by stuff i wrote when i was younger?

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13 Comments

Recently, I found something I wrote a few years ago somewhere. I got deeply disturbed by it, as my life has changed completely. I just don't understand how I was in such a dark place. But well, I will show it to you, so that you can tell me if it is normal to overcome such a state of mind:

"For a few years now, something weird has been happening to me. I just feel so empty, as if I didn't have any feelings at all or something.

I am a 19 year old guy. I didn't have a happy childhood, mostly because of my parents (whom I still kind of despise). Yet, I also hated most people that would come close to me, like classmates, teachers or sports colleagues. There was just always a reason or another for it, people had hurt me over and over again through all my life. But it is not as if I never had any friends... I do have a few people that are close to me... But not even them know anything about me. These "closest" friends of mine, don't even know 30% of what is going on with me. In fact, depending on definitions, they aren't "real real friends" to begin with. They are more like close acquaintances.

I had a really dark and tragic past, and after that it was just as if I had progressively lost my feelings. When I was little, I used to cry and laugh about anything. When I became a teenager, I stopped crying, but I would still feel joy every now and then. But right now, it is as if I didn't feel anything at all. Not even normal sadness. I don't even know if this is the so called "depression". Sometimes, I want to "feel" enough to at least be sad and cry sometimes, but I just can't anymore.

I act like a machine: analyzing situations and then faking my emotions accordingly. This at least makes me "fit" around people. Some notice that I am a faker, but I don't even care enough about them to pretend I am not. Better said, I don't trust anyone enough to open up and tell them about my issues. Also, it might sound contradicting, but I don't want to drag people down with me. I don't want people to feel depressed as well because of me or to feel sorry. Most people have a positive mentality, but I think that if they knew me better they would realize that the world isn't nice at all. It is kind of funny actually, I can't feel anything, but I still completely understand how other people would feel in many occasions.

All these things had fucked me up in too many ways. I developed a really strong insomnia since I was 10 years old. This made me lose sanity through time little by little. After 4 years of barely sleeping, I started having hallucinations. I realized that maybe I am schizophrenic, which is currently the issue that gives me the most angst. Right now I don't have hallucinations anymore. The "depressive" state got to its lowest point some time ago. It is as if I already got all the sadness a person is supposed to get through their lives and now I am at the bottom of the ocean. To be honest, it feels as if it was a truly long time since I experienced happiness or sadness. Those feelings just feel unfamiliar right now.

Right now, this is my state. I have no feelings and I have stopped caring about people. I even overcame most of my hate, I simply don't care about what people did or still do to me anymore. Yet, I feel like a burden for this world, I don't feel important and it just seems that my life is ruined. I kind of wish I did something else instead of going through pathetic rituals, like school. It just seems that I am destined to be hollow. Sometimes I feel as if I should get more friends or a girlfriend... but just no one seems interesting or worthy enough, most people appear idiotic in my eyes.

I just don't understand why this is happening to me. Looking at the big picture, my life didn't end up that bad. I have no vices (smoking, drinking, drugs), I am not a party animal. I think I am relatively smart and I don't consider myself ugly either. I have never tried to hurt myself or others. I even have good academic scores and a relatively good financial situation. But I just still feel in a black abyss. Maybe I am just too selfish and ungrateful with life. But well, I can't help it, it is how I feel (or how I don't feel?)."

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Based on 49 votes (43 yes)
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Comments ( 13 )
  • NeuroNeptunian
    10 years ago | pl

    A few weeks ago, I found a notebook full of journal writings my English professor had me do four years ago. It's crazy to see how much my life was changed.

    I hated my Dad. I still had contempt for my Mom. I had boy troubles. I wanted a car. I needed a job. My life has changed so much. I have completely different problems in my life.

    I am glad you posted this story, I needed to be reminded of my situation. It's crazy just how temporary your life situations can be. Life is constantly in a state of flux. Remembering that... Makes it easier to remember that moving forward is still possible.

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  • iEatZombies_
    10 years ago

    We never quite understand our past selves nor see our future selves. That's really quite special. When I was 15, I was such a sad thing to see. I was doing drugs, staying out til 4am, hanging around people too old for me, I dropped out of school. My mother was single with 2 kids and working at McDonalds. With this chaos and my merciless past, I prayed for death. I was assured I would die before I was 21 or become homeless. Either way I both wanted desperately to fade into nothing, I was also desperately scared of it. I was waiting to die.
    Though few and far between, 10 years has shown massive improvement. Nobody would realize by looking at my unconventional, uncomfortable life that I'm doing so much better. Honestly, if it weren't for social disapproval, I could handle my life quite well. Most importantly, I've found something to live for- and now I pray not to leave Earth.
    If I only could meet myself to take my own hand and say 'You're going to get through all of this, and you'll be happy you did'.

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  • TheAnarchicalApairist
    10 years ago

    I feel as if I am in your shoes with your plight, only in the years you wrote what disturbs you now. I've struggled with insomnia for a year now. Sleep that does come is infrequent and sparse. But I just can't seem to feel as much as others do. In my earlier childhood, I was a carefree little sod. But now, even though I have no quarrels with my parents, I can't seem to wrap my head around how everyone feels so full and happy. Those who do seem so beatific also seem stupid and vacuous. I know that the feelinglessness I have is tied also to a deep yearning for flight. It may be a different affair for thou, but for me, I know that the instant I can, I'm leaving behind the labyrinthine society we live in to a simpler, more elementary civilization. That's what I, personally, feel. Maybe you don't have the same one, but you may have one to escape, somehow. Mentally, physically, societally. But if you don't feel that, maybe you should step out of your comfort zone by, say, an intimate relationship if you can find someone to relate. Love is the most filling emotion you can get to fill that hole, (as cliche as it sounds) and if you can try to embrace that feeling you could restore your emotional regularity. I would try to seek someone to love, but I'm to young.

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  • college
    10 years ago

    I mostly get disturbed by some of the drawings I drew when I was younger.

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  • kingofcarrotflowers
    10 years ago

    This actually gives me hope, this never happens to me but reading this really got to me, the younger you that wrote this reminds me of myself when I'm at my worst.
    Gives me hope that one day I'll be able to get past all this

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      10 years ago

      Unfortunately, I cannot tell you "everything will be better". For some people it never does. For me, I was lucky. It is mostly about luck actually. Chances will appear in front of you, and it will be up to you to recognize them and whether to them or not.

      The only recommendation I would give is, don't wait until it is "spring" to move on. I thought that I needed to solve all these issues and figure out so much stuff before "fixing" myself up... but it really wasn't necessary.

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  • Couman
    10 years ago

    I'm not quite sure how to answer this. It was not normal to write something like that. But given that you did, it was normal to be disturbed reading it later.

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  • imadragon
    10 years ago

    Seems like you were very depressed and felt very numb. The hallucinations probably came from the depression too, psychotic depression. It's nice to hear that you aren't like that anymore though, people need to see that things get better.

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  • Ac17
    10 years ago

    A lot of times I regret what I wrote in my diary....I was 12 then. To me, it seems irrational, stupid and immature...

    But what was I expecting?

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  • [Old Memory]
    10 years ago

    That doesn't sound too bad. I think lots of people feel like that. The good thing is you are doing better now.
    I've been emotionless before and honestly I don't even care I'm that way when I'm like that. I don't know how someone could be emotionless and care at the same time.
    I think lots of people go through realizing the pointlessness of existence but then realize it doesn't matter that it's pointless so you might as well make what you can out of it.

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  • Poolnoodle
    10 years ago

    It's great that you've over come this and your adverse experiences. 'Keep on keepin' on'.

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  • tripw7
    10 years ago

    Obviously your growing up in the household with your parents was not a good experience. You didn't mention anything about sex which is normally the most important part of life at your age or younger. Do you have any siblings? Do they feel the same as you. If you do, do you communicate with them, at all?
    You sound like you could break out of this, what I call "funk", being smart, drug free, no trouble with the law, etc.
    I think you could be comfortable with the opposite sex. Have you ever been interested?

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      10 years ago

      I strongly disagree. Sex is definitely not the most important thing at that age. And even less in my situation. With all those issues, the least I could think of was sex.

      I have siblings... but they were on my parents' team, they were my tormentors as well.

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