Is it normal to be extremely attracted to your first cousin?
As children, my cousin and I were not very close as we live in different countries and I would only talk to girls.
It wasn't until I was 16 and he was 14, when I came to visit that we became quite close. He was funny and I never saw him without a smile. We were too young to be going out on our own so we spent most of our time upstairs in his house surfing the net or napping.
I remember he used to try to get me to close my eyes so that when I kissed him, he would move his face so it would land on his lips. I did not understand what it all meant and I felt as if we had a completely platonic relationship.
However, I believe he was merely physically attracted to me. We tried to keep in contact after I left but it did not work as I grew busier studying at University and dating.
It was a month ago that my family went up to celebrate my grandpa's 80th birthday that we met again, 6 years later. He was friendly, kind and funny just as I remembered him, but with a matured edge. We quickly became close and I started to grow fairly attached to him, which brought on the daydreams about kissing him.
I also noticed little things he would do that demonstrated he felt the same. He would always hold my hand as I napped in secret, caress my cheek, smell my hair and draw circles on my arms.
It was all quite innocent and I kept telling myself that it was wrong, it would not even work out, he did not feel that way and if he was interested, it was my appearance, not me (I'm not gorgeous, but apparently for their small town, I am quite pretty).
Then my last few days in town loomed, his mum insisted I stay over, so I did and in the mornings, I came out to lie beside him on the couch to cuddle and he would randomly shower kisses across my face. I think we both knew that the attraction was there, but we were unsure about how strong it was, I deeply care for him and he is the type of person I would want in a lover, but our cousin relationship kept me at bay.
On my very last morning, we woke up extremely early to cuddle before I left. He kept puling my hair to the side as I moved my head to hide my face from him, but he managed to trail kisses down my face and he would linger at my lips. I laughed because I was trying to play it off as a joke, but then I started pecking his lips as I do with my younger cousins, because I felt that I could treat him the same way.
Having said that, his lips opened up to capture mine and my automatic response was to reciprocate, but then I froze, jumped off the couch, started mumbling under my breath and ran to the bathroom to start hitting myself in the head.
He came to find me, treated me exactly the same and suggested I go down to say goodbye to the family, on the way down the stairs, he caught my reflection in the mirror touching my lips with a dazed look on my face and we both knew what happened was nowhere platonic.
We headed back upstairs after I said my goodbyes, he kept pushing hair away from my face and drying my tears with his finger tips, but then he started to kiss my face again.
I was going out of my mind with attraction and it became quite passionate as he pressed me closer, placed me on the couch and followed, but I pushed away harder this time and I asked him what we were doing. He asked what I meant and said that it was okay, then I had to leave.
I have not been able to stop thinking about him or the kiss since and it is doing my head in because I am so confused about what I want from him. I had planned on a working holiday in the city near our family town, but I am afraid of what could happen if we're in the same province.
We spent most of the evening on skype tonight and I just wanted to ask him why he kissed me in the first place but I'm afraid that it will ruin our relationship if I question it.