Is it normal to deeply hate myself for not having what i want in life?

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23 Comments

I’m tormented by thoughts on a daily basis. It’s harder for me to fall asleep some nights. These are not peaceful thoughts. I replay scenarios and past events in my head. It just causes more duress.

I hate my sex life, and lack of love. I feel pretty rejected and cast aside by the gay community, on traditional hookup apps and on the dating-based ones. Rarely anyone ever message me except some weirdo, creep or not. And the guys I do message, whether they’re just attractive in a FWB way or something more… it’s crickets, almost all crickets. I’m so embarrassed of myself. It’s been 7 years since I went in a date, and nothing happened then either. It’s been 8 years since I did anything, and all I did was suck a guys dick because I really wanted to try it, but I wasn’t into him.
Will that be my life story? He lived, sucked a dick once, then went on with his rather meaningless life. All the other boys in town enjoyed such carnal pleasure more often, or at least it seems that way, based on social media and Twitter Porn.

Le sigh. Worse, my sex and love drive have just really tanked altogether, it’s as if it’s had a negative feedback loop. Versus when someone ACTUALLY talks to me or responds back, well I actually light up some.

It’s pretty depressing. I’m 37 going on 38 and don’t want to be a 40 year old virgin, let alone a 38 year one. Reframe my situation all you want and tell me sex isn’t everything, and I know on some level it isn’t, but when you go as long as I’ve going, I’m pretty sure it’s like being in the Sahara and reaching an oasis for a drink. Even just mere friendly affectionate physical touch… even just to get to know a guy.

It’s just been SO LONG and I’ve gotten so much older and now I even resent seeing actual gay couples out in public. It just all makes me more miserable.

So yeah, I guess it makes sense that I hate myself and this aspect of my life. There are other things I want in life - to move out, live in a bigger city, friends, a job I’m passionate about, but I feel crushed by my limited circumstances and it feels like how is it going to happen? And I hate what I have to go through. Make new friends at 37. How? Where? Who will want me? I feel the same way about boyfriend material.

Voting Results
40% Normal
Based on 5 votes (2 yes)
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Comments ( 23 )
  • Hookerfall
    2 years ago

    Life sucks then we die

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    • donkeykong716
      2 years ago

      This actually made me laugh, at first

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      • Hookerfall
        2 years ago

        Haha

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  • Irizu3748392746483938
    2 years ago

    You won't always get what you want in life. Get over it.

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    • Somenormie
      2 years ago

      Also life won't always be your way.

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      • donkeykong716
        2 years ago

        I’m not sure if you guys are understanding. The situation pretty much feels hopeless on a daily basis. Getting what I want doesn’t seem unreasonable or some difficult fruit that is impossible to grasp. But nonetheless the situation is infuriating to me the lack of action or progress I am making. It is almost like a standstill, locked down. I’m also a pretty flexible person.

        And maybe you’re right, maybe life just isn’t going my way, and I’m sick of it, I’m tired of feeling lost and hopeless. And there must be a way to change.

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      • Irizu3748392746483938
        2 years ago

        I never said life will always be my way.

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        • Somenormie
          2 years ago

          I know that but I was adding to when you said that you won't always get what you want in life.

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          • Irizu3748392746483938
            2 years ago

            Okay.

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          • LloydAsher
            2 years ago

            If life was always in my favor it would get boring way to fast.

            I'll just take that I am unusually lucky as an upside in life.

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            • donkeykong716
              2 years ago

              Interesting perspective. Seems rooted in some sense of gratitude. It’s true not all of my life is awful, I’m prone to catastrophizing I guess, but these certain areas hit the hardest. I mean it just really feels like it’s not going in my favor at all, or barely, which sucks, and moreso it’s hard not knowing why (because who doesn’t want to get laid? Or find compansionship?)

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    • donkeykong716
      2 years ago

      Ah, the usual ‘get over it’. That can be taken one of two ways… either it’s coming from the mouth of a narcissist, or someone similarly strong minded but has a more empowered outlook on life. I wonder which you are… because if it’s the former, then buzz off, you’re being mean and not helping.

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      • Billy247newaccount_35467829
        2 years ago

        Hey, Irizu here. Neither, dumbass. You're over here whining about not having things you're way when everybody on this planet should know already that life is not fair and you are not always gonna get everything you want in life, so stop bitching about it and deal with it. Once again, get over it.

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        • donkeykong716
          2 years ago

          And once again, you’re an insensitive asshole as I figured. Not everyone thinks like you, or processes life the way you do. Go away.

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          • Billy247newaccount_35467829
            2 years ago

            Wow, that stick is really far up your ass, I suggest you take it out before it goes even further. Take it down a notch a bit, and stop being a sensitive jackass. You came over here whining about how your life is sooo bad, so I told you to suck it up and deal with it instead of complaining. Someone needed to tell you that.

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  • 1WeirdGuy
    2 years ago

    You need to delete the dating app and become a regular at a bar around there. You'll make friends and go from there. Also going to the gym will help tremendously if you look fit.

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    • donkeykong716
      2 years ago

      Yeah it’s definitely a though. I am gay though, so my choice of actual bars is limited. I’m prone to want to find a guy naturally anywhere, but that also seems like wishful thinking and also a lot of courage to just hit on a guy at the grocery store…

      But honestly, being on the apps drives me nuts

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      • 1WeirdGuy
        2 years ago

        I dont think its a good idea to hit on a guy at a grocery store. As a straight guy it makes you cringe knowing a gay dude wants your booty hole or whatever. You'll just make straight dudes feel awkward. Gay bar is better.

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        • donkeykong716
          2 years ago

          You know what?

          It’s people like you who make gay men like myself and others hold back and censor ourselves. Because you can’t handle it. It makes you uncomfortable. Boo fucking hoo. Learn to take a compliment. So no, I will not limit myself to only the gay bar, thank you very much.

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        • donkeykong716
          2 years ago

          That’s a little homophobic don’t you think?

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          • 1WeirdGuy
            2 years ago

            Ive been to Miami and men were cat calling me while I was walking down the street which is just inconsiderate. Its quite disrespectful to hit on a guy knowing he's not gay and knowing you're gonna make him feel weird.

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            • donkeykong716
              2 years ago

              Cat calling is one thing.
              I think you're projecting onto these gay men. How could they possibly know whether or not a total stranger walking down the street, that they find attractive, is gay or straight? Or that you would be uncomfortable if you got hit on? They don't. Even if you were walking with a woman, assumably your girlfriend or wife, and holding hands - then maybe. But other then that? It's kind of fair game to assume anything, or nothing at all.

              As a rule, yeah, sure, we all know there are straight men out there who will respond as such. But there are straight guys out there who would take things as a complement. Of course it depends on the context. There are some gays who enjoy themselves too much. I don't consider myself one of them.

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