Is it normal to fantasize about your own abuser/rapist?

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22 Comments

if it normal to have sexual dreams/desires for your abuser? my rapist was my older cousin. he raped me from age 4 (possibly earlier but i cant rmember anything memoreis before age 4 of anyting in my life) to age 14.

he is the only person ive ever been intimate with in a sexual way. the only person thats ever touched me. when i started entering into sexual maturity and curiosity at 11, i remember i would masturbate to him and memories of him toucing me. i had no other experiences to base any of my fantasizing on. n it always left me guilty. cuz i equally loved him (he was like an older brother to me) and hated him for the monstrous tings e did to me. i havent told anyone about this, i still do it to this day as well. my mom doesnt know or my therapist (they know of the abuse).

im 25 now and so traumatized and scarred i have never been in a relatinoship with anyone, never been kissed, never had consensual sex, never held hands or cuddled with anyone, cant recall the last time ihad skin to skin contact cuz im covered up all the time. and im too terrified to let anyone in or try to be with anyone. the thougt of having sex disgusts and scares me but also brings up feelings of sexual frustration as well. whenever i fantasize about being in a relatinoship or kissing someone i imagine it being im. i guess in my mind i know no one will ever want to touch me or be with me. im scarred up literally because of 14 years of self harming and still doing so. i feel disgusted wit myself for being so desperate for that kind of affection that i think of him, and also despair at te thought that even the monster that ruined my life wouldnt want me now either.

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60% Normal
Based on 10 votes (6 yes)
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Comments ( 22 )
  • lordofopinions
    5 years ago

    You have major PTSD. I would tell your therapist EVERYTHING. He can't help you if he doesn't know the whole story.

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    • mischieflover
      5 years ago

      thank you, i will try my best. i cant keep living like this and especially with all this stuff inside me.

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      • lordofopinions
        5 years ago

        Have you tried talking about this with your cousin? Once you tell him what his abuse has done to you I would bet that he would feel really bad about it and apologize which would go a long ways to your recovery.

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        • mischieflover
          5 years ago

          sorry know you were trying to help, i guess i just cant really wrap it around my head how talkikng to a monster like him would help. seems strange to me. he was never ashamed about what he was doing to me, never was he sweet or apologetic while or after doing it, he was always aggressive, abusive and threatening. he was 14 when he started abusing me and carried on well into his 20s.

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        • mischieflover
          5 years ago

          he also tried to kill my brother by drowning him when we were children. and i am also not the only one he was raping. he raped his two younger sisters too (they were born after me so he was abusing me first but when they were born i guess that was just more fresh meat for him)

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        • mischieflover
          5 years ago

          um highly doubt that would be safe, and NO he's not sorry about it. he threatened to kill me and my brother when he was confronted and considering how LONG he did it for well into his adult years, and that he did it in a house full of people (adults at family get togethers) highly doubt he's sorry. he's also related in drug and gang related stuff, so def NOT safe.

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  • [Old Memory]
    5 years ago

    I understand. I’ve been masterbating since I was 6. One of my therapists was actually the one who said I was probably sexually abused. Which makes sense because my birth father is a registered sex offender and raped my mom. I’m actually only here because he raped her. I don’t have any clear memories of anything before 6, even though I was adopted away from them at 4.
    I’m basically a sex addict that’s never had sex. It’s all I freaking think about but I’m terrified of it at the same time. I have PTSD and ADHD and other things. It’s frustrating because I want a boyfriend but I hate man too. I understand you.

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    • mischieflover
      5 years ago

      im sorry for what you've been through too :( and def yes, i want love too but i have so much hate and distrust, mostly to men but (im bisexual) im distrustful of everyone so i dont trust other women either.

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    • mischieflover
      5 years ago

      thank you for responding to my post. i think im a bit of a sex addict too. never had actual sex but i watch a lot of porn too and masturbate at least 3 times a day. doesnt interfere with everyday life, then again i an unable to work and am home all the time anyway :/

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  • curious-bunny
    5 years ago

    You should talk to your therapist about it, if anyone can help you they can

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    • mischieflover
      5 years ago

      ill try. i think writing it down to her may help, i struggle with verbally expressing myself enough as it is

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      • lordofopinions
        5 years ago

        Writing it down is an EXCELLENT idea. At one point in my life I was going through some mental issues and it was suggested I write it down. I love writing and have one book that is self published and ideas for others.

        Once I wrote it all down I felt better. I handed it in to my therapist who told me the written information gave him more information than months of therapy would have given him. He was able to guide me through each problem in a much shorter time and I am a much better person mentally than I ever dreamed of before.

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        • mischieflover
          5 years ago

          awesome! thank you for sharing! i used to write a LOT of poetry from grade school to highschool. but ive lost my motivation, i feel like everything that needed to be written/said already was, or the topics were getting done over n over (my life is like a stand still so nothing new going on except same old misery and struggles ive had my entire life). but ive missed writing and expressing myself through some form of art. im def trying to get back into it.

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  • RavenStarr
    5 years ago

    Oh hun... I'm so sorry about what happened to you... I wouldn't say it's normal but 10 years of rape could warp your sexuality like that. Are you sure you can't talk about this with your therapist?

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    • mischieflover
      5 years ago

      idk im scared she may judge me tbh. i havent told anyone this, im terrified

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  • Unimportant
    5 years ago

    Based on the things you write, your only sexual reference point are the experiences with your abuser. Your brain doesn't know anything else, when it comes to any kind of sexual activity.

    Weird idea: have you tried watching erotica or porn? Maybe you will be able to rewire your brain. And it won't jump to the guy who abused you, everytime sexual dreams or desires come up. It might jump to the cute guy or girl you just saw in the video.

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    • mischieflover
      5 years ago

      sadly no, i think i made a mistake when i did that, now i think im addicted porn. really the release i feel with orgasm. sorry for the tmi just trying to clarify. and tbh for me its not the people that do it for me, but the act, chasing relief. i dont even need porn anymore at this point but focus on the actual feeling of orgasm. :/ i feel like it may have just given me more/new material to use to fantasize about him (my abuser with), the rare times i focus on the person i imagine it being him doing it instead.

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  • Bella13
    5 years ago

    No stop fantasizing about him coz he don't deserve u.

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    • jack_shephard
      5 years ago

      Yeah! I agree, it's weird.

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      • mischieflover
        5 years ago

        i know he doesnt deserve me, if i could help this i would. i didnt ask for this...

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  • Nickvey
    5 years ago

    i bet he would fuck you today if you let him. and eat your pussy and make you cum so hard .

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    • mischieflover
      5 years ago

      i dont want him to want me or to want to fuck me...this isnt helping. if you were going to joke then why did you respond to my post?...

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