Is it normal to fear trans people?
I’m sure the title must sound awful, but please, please hear me out before you judge me.
I’m currently recovering from a pretty devastating breakup. I was dating a FtM for about ~5 years, and they were possibly some of the worst of my entire life. I’m a bisexual woman, and I like to think i’m a compatible person. Nice, docile, friendly. My boyfriend couldn’t see that though. He was always making me feel so small, always telling me I was the reason he hated himself, I was terrible in bed, that I never did what he wanted, that he would kill himself and it would be my fault, all sorts of things.
When I tried to speak out, he would hit me. I still have a scar from when I hit my head on the kitchen counter after he got physical. It took me so long to leave him, he was always promising me that he would get better. And when he wasn’t angry, he was the sweetest guy! I tried to blame it on horomones, (that’s what he said was always the issue), but now I just feel like it was really all my fault.
I digress. The other day I was trying to get back into my friend group (I hadn’t seen them in forever!), go out for a nice night on the town. We wound up in a group at a club, which was a real step forwards for me. I was approached by a man and one of my friends, who introduced us, and explained how he was also an FtM, pre-transition. She said we would get along great, and show me that the trans community wasn’t “all bad”. I tried to step away, but he (the man) grabbed my hand before I could leave. And here’s where the fear comes in- I just broke. I don’t know what it was, but I felt so overwhelmed. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t move, I felt like my head was spinning, and I felt like I was literally going to die. I hated to cause a scene, and one of my friends brought me outside to let me catch some air, and then reprimand me for the way I behaved, saying it was horrible and that I made him feel self-conscious.
The way I behaved was unwarranted, yes, but I couldn’t control myself. I felt sick to my stomach, and I still do just thinking about it. I haven’t hung out with my friends since (it’s been about a week and a half now) because I’m afraid they think I’m transphobic. I don’t think I am- I fully support the trans community and I’m proud of each and every one of the trans folks I’ve ever met, but I just can’t face them right now. To be frank, I can’t really face men in general without feeling anxious or on edge. Is this normal? If not, am I just being transphobic? Is there a way I can get over this?