Is it normal to feel ugly?

Hello!

Recently I’ve been feeling really ugly and unattractive, and not in a normal way like it’s prolonged feeling from when you just have that ugly bloated feeling just before your period. I feel ugly and disgusting everyday, I often feel like I am too ugly for my boyfriend because he’s often talks about (kinks) what he loves about other females, we both enjoy it but recently I feel like it’s not been good for me and I feel like it’s adding to my mental health but I’m too scared to say so.

I’m an 5ft 2 female, and I weigh about 53kg, I believe that’s an healthy BMI of a 25 year old in my country. I feel gross, some days I don’t feel like eating because I feel pretty when I’m empty, I often use social media and see all these pretty skinny trendy girls. I’m just sat here in tears feeling like I try and try and try but nothing is ever enough, I never feel good enough for anybody and will never be as pretty as other girls. I’ve been told I have been dealing with an on/off eating disorder for the last 5 years and things have been getting worse, I refuse to believe I have an eating disorder because I’m too big and it’s embarrassing to tell people I guess. Sometimes I feel like I’m getting better at the way I see myself but it only takes a split second or a little thing to trigger something just to be back to my usual self.

I just wanted to talk to someone, who may be experiencing the same things and what they do to overcome these situations.

Please be kind. Thank you.