Is it normal to keep secrets from your partner?

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8 Comments

My fiancee and I have been together for four years & I love her very much. She doesnt talk to me about her feelings & when i try to share mine she just goes quiet & doesn't say anything.
So we haven't had sex in almost three years, but that never really mattered to me. Recently, within the past six months she's been really weird. I thought it was the new job, then the quarantine but she's felt emotionally distant from me. I thought that maybe she's been cheating on me since within the past month she's been coming home an hour or two later from work then normal.

I did something I've never done before- I went on her home computer & went onto her fb. I wasnt on there were long because it stressed me out so I closed it & went to her history to delete the evidence of my misdeeds when I saw her browsing history. Almost all of it was porn. Now I'm wondering if she's been masturbating at work or in the car & keeping it secret from me. But why? I'm not attractive by anyone's standards, I'm incredibly overweight but always have been even at the start of our relationship. I wonder if she doesnt think I'm attractive, if I ever was to her.

I'm just really tired of her not being open about her feelings & thoughts. I wish she could be more honest with me.

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Based on 5 votes (1 yes)
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Comments ( 8 )
  • Tommythecaty
    3 years ago

    Have been together four years and haven’t had sex in three? Wtf...

    A person would medically need to watch porn at this point...

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  • Boojum
    3 years ago

    The writing on the wall is not looking hopeful for you, but I'm sure you realise that deep down.

    If someone stonewalls when you try to talk honestly about feelings, the relationship is heading towards a dead-end. They have the right to not share and you obviously can't force them to open up, but none of us are telepathic, and it's irrational to expect someone to provide what we need from them and the relationship if they haven't a clue what that might be. If someone doesn't care enough to share what they want from the person they're in a relationship with, then they don't care much at all.

    I'm pretty sure you're right about your assumptions concerning her viewing habits; not many people watch porn because they love the complex plots and the thought-provoking treatment of complex inter-personal dynamics.

    What I don't understand is why you're uncertain about why she's doing this. For some reason, you haven't had sex for years. You admit that you're not attractive and that you have a serious problem controlling your eating habits. And, from what you say, it sounds like there's little real emotional connection between you two. If she doesn't feel close enough to you to be willing to talk about her feelings, it's hardly surprising that she hasn't mentioned how she's paddling the pink canoe to porn when you're not around.

    As for her having something going on with someone else, who knows? If you're not concerned in the slightest about you two not having sex, I have to wonder why the possibility of her getting some strange should bother you and why you seem to be upset about her masturbating. You're still with her, so you must be getting something from this relationship, in spite of the fact that it's emotionally and physically sterile. How does her getting sexual gratification elsewhere change whatever pay-off you're getting from living with her?

    What you've described is a relationship that exists only due to inertia. It sounds like she's not not happy, but she's either unwilling to put any effort into making it better or she's decided that there's no possibility of it ever getting better, no matter what she might do. Meanwhile, you're still hanging around because you have feelings for someone who has already emotionally disconnected (if she was ever emotionally connected in the first place).

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      3 years ago

      She's the one who doesn't want any sort of intimacy, which could be because of my looks but she also has body dysmorphia & mental issues so it could be that.
      Any time we've ever had sex I was the one who initiated it. The last time, after we were done & cleaning up, she began to cry due to her dysmorphia so I know I'm not the only one who has issues with my looks.

      "You admit that you're not attractive and that you have a serious problem controlling your eating habits"
      Also, this is plain rude. I'm attractive, I'm just overweight. I can eat salad every day for a month & gain 10 pounds, which has happened to me before. I have a horrendously slow metabolism.

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      • Boojum
        3 years ago

        " I'm not attractive by anyone's standards, I'm incredibly overweight"

        So you're saying that, uniquely amongst all mammals that have ever existed on Earth and contrary to the laws of chemistry, you're capable of converting oxygen, nitrogen or water into fat? Or are you a plant-human chimera, and capable of using sunlight to manufacture glucose from carbon dioxide and water and then turn that into fat?

        It's unfortunate if you're offended by someone pointing out that, if you're "incredibly overweight", the calories used by your body to produce that fat have come from some sort of food, but that's the truth.

        I'm perfectly willing to believe that you gained ten pounds after a month of eating salad, but your body would have defied the laws of physics and biology if the only thing you ate during that period were vegetables and the only thing you drank was water. If your definition of a salad includes meat, cheese, legumes and croutons, and you habitually dump loads of dressing on your salad, then, yeah, what you say could well be true. It would also make sense if as well as limiting your food to high-fat, high-calorie versions of salad, you were also guzzling sugary soft-drinks through the day.

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      • [Old Memory]
        3 years ago

        You said you're unattractive like three times, at least

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        • litelander8
          3 years ago

          Seems like OP is trying to imply that the girl is shallow instead of really acknowledging that people who don’t care about themselves are unattractive.

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  • megadriver
    3 years ago

    This is not a relationship that will work...

    No communication, no physical contact, no connection. You need to think this through and move on. And work on accepting yourself the way you are/ dealing with any self hate and possibly losing some weight.

    I've been there, hell I'm still a bit overweight now and should probably lose a few pounds. But my weight hasn't stopped me from finding love. Just don't sit around in a relationship where you are unhappy, cause time keeps ticking on.

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  • RoseIsabella
    3 years ago

    Ya'll need to have a sitdown talk about all of this mess!

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